“Were you… did you…” I start but fail to get my words out.
“I ran straight into Toby as he carried you out of the alley.”
I nod despite the fact that I know she can’t see me. “Did you know that he—“
“Yes,” she says simply, calmly.
“Why aren’t you freaking out about this, Sar?”
“Because if he hadn’t done what he did, we would be having a very different conversation this morning. Or possibly not at all.”
All the air rushes from my lungs to the point that I swear they actually deflate. “You think he would have killed me?” I whisper, not risking saying the words aloud.
“Maybe. I don’t know. He clearly had no issue with… yeah,” she mutters, not wanting to get into details. “If Toby wasn’t there, Jojo… I doubt I’d have been a lot of help.”
“He was so amazing last night, Sar. He brought me home. Took care of me. He was so sweet.” Tears burn the back of my throat and behind my eyes as I put myself back in the shower with him and his gentle touch and soothing words.
“Is he still there?” she asks, and I hang my head in shame.
“No,” I whisper. “I woke up and freaked out. I sent him away.“
“Jojo,” Sara sighs.
“I know. I just had this nightmare, and I woke up with the reality of what he did at the forefront of my mind and I—“
“Freaked.”
“Yeah.”
“I know it’s hard. Trust me, I do. But Toby and Jesse, they grew up in a completely different world to us. The things they see as a normal reaction, we don’t. He saw you in danger last night, Jojo, and he did what he knows to ensure you’re safe. It’s kinda romantic in a way, if you really think about it.”
“He shot him in the head, Sar,” I hiss, squeezing my eyes closed as the shadowed image of the dead man in question fills my mind.
“Because he was a threat to you.“
“You’ve been with Jesse too long,” I mutter lightly. “The shy little girl I met in preschool would never have approved of this.”
“She was naïve, Jojo. Scared of the world. Jesse has opened things up for me. Things aren’t always black and white, right and wrong. And we don’t have to follow the rules. Just look at me. I shunned everything that was expected of me, and I’m happier without all those judgements and expectations for a wild life with my man.”
“I’ve never seen you happier,” I tell her. “Jesse was the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“Yup,” she agrees. “It’s rough, raw, real, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He does things I don’t approve of, but this was his life long before we met, and I’d never try to change that.”
“Doesn’t it scare you?” I ask, letting some of my fears out. “That man’s life ended in less than a blink of an eye. That could be them.”
“Yes, it could. It’s something I’ve battled with a lot over the years. But eventually, I realised that I need to focus on what I do have right now, not fearing something which may never happen. I will never regret being with Jesse. Never.”
“God, I’m so jealous of you, Sar.”
She chuckles. “I’m sure there are many, many people out there who would disagree with you. My parents, for a start.”
“Fuck them. Fuck all of them. You don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself.”
“My point exactly, Jojo.”
A heavy silence falls between us and my stomach knots tightly.
“I need to talk to him,” I finally say.