I don’t head for his door, but instead, the control room with the one-way glass. Finding the control panel, I allow myself to see through into his cell.
Confusion pulls at my brow as I watch him sleep on the hard bed beneath him. Was he really the incredible father that Jodie thought he was? Was he even capable of caring? Of nurturing? Of helping to create the incredible woman I spent time with?
I guess the answer to all those questions is obvious. He might not have always been there, but he helped raise her.
The thought of her having his blood running through her veins should be enough to scare me off. The notion of her being tainted by him should terrify me. But I figure it’s too late for that.
She’s good. So fucking good.
The only one who’s really been tainted by him is me. I’m the monster. I’m the one who caused all this. And she’s right to want to keep distance between us, even if it kills me to admit.
“Why?” I breathe, pressing my head against the glass as I watch him. “Why fuck me up and give her everything? Why treat Joanne like a queen and not Mum? I get that she was unfaithful, but you were first. Why couldn’t you have just let her go? Let us go? Was it all just about holding power over us, controlling us? Would you have turned that need on Jodie if you had let us go? Is it a need that’s rooted so deep inside you that in a way, we were protecting them from you? Giving you people to turn your wrath on so you could love them? Because if you were, then maybe I could understand it. I’d give anything to protect her right now. Is that what you were doing? Protecting her from yourself? Giving her the man she deserved while unleashing your inner monster on us? The illegitimate child you pretended to be connected to and your long-suffering wife whom you never loved.”
I blow out a breath, knowing that he can’t hear me, that I won’t get the answers I long for.
Yes, I could walk inside that cell and demand them of him. But experience tells me that I won’t get very far.
This is the first time since that night with Jodie that I’ve even been down here, even acknowledged that he still existed. I should have been happy that I’d won. That I’d achieved everything I set out to. But the reality paled in comparison to how I expected to feel.
So instead of gloating that I managed to defeat the monster and bring him to his knees, I crawled back to the bedroom and let myself drown in regrets, in the pain that I caused myself as I watched the one person I truly cared about shatter before my eyes.
I press the heel of my palm against my chest in the hope it’ll help squash the ache there. But it never does. The only time it’s lessened since that night was sitting in the car with her only an hour ago. Having her beside me, her scent in my nose. It calmed everything inside me. Made me breathe properly for the first time in a week.
“Fuck,” I breathe, slamming my fist against the glass.
The man on the other side startles, but it’s not enough to wake him. And I realise just how relieved I am that I don’t have to look into his eyes.
As far as I’m concerned, I never want to do it again.
There’s just one problem with me doing that now. And that’s Jodie.
When all of this has calmed down, will she want to see him? She knows he’s alive. She knows the truth. Will she need to say that final goodbye she thought she’d been robbed?
One thing is for sure. I can no longer do it. I can’t become even more of a monster in her eyes. As much as it pains me not to go through with all my plans, I just can’t.
Because of her.