I know why I’m putting it off.
I’m doing it for her. For the girl who grew up believing her father was a decent guy. I’m doing it so that when I finally get a chance to look her in the eyes once again, she won’t only see a monster but a murderer too.
There’s a very good chance she already won’t forgive me, but if I were to do that on top of everything else before I get the chance to talk to her again, there would be no coming back.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I push the door open and march toward the front door, pressing my finger on the bell.
My heart is in my throat as I wait. To start with, I can’t help but wonder if she knows I’m here and is ignoring me, that or she went out and left the lights on. But after a few more seconds, there’s movement inside and the door is hesitantly pulled open.
Joanne’s face is pale, her eyes shadowed and bloodshot.
She doesn’t register who I am for a beat. Hell, I don’t think she even sees me. Instead, she looks right through me.
“Joanne?” I whisper, concerned I’m going to scare her.
Finally, her eyes find mine, and the exhaustion and stress gives way to something else.
Anger and pure hatred.
“No,” she barks, her hand pressing against the door on the inside as she tries to slam it in my face.
“Please, Joanne. I’m not here to cause trouble.”
She puts all her weight behind the door, trying to stop me from entering. Unfortunately for her, I’m stronger. Plus, I have something I know she desperately wants.
“Just let me in. Let me explain a few things. I can help you keep your house.”
She stops pushing, her eyes meeting mine in the gap of the door.
“Really?” she asks, desperation laced through her tone.
“Yes. I can fix everything. Well… maybe not everything, but… I can make it a little more bearable.”
“You’re the reason we’re in the mess.”
“Please, Joanne. Just let me—”
Suddenly, the door opens fully and she stands aside, allowing me to enter.
Unsure of where to go, I turn into the living room, a space that haunted me the first time I was here, but after everything, his judgemental stare is nothing less than I deserve.
Only, when I step into the room, I don’t find the walls covered with that monster’s face. They’re bare. All the frames are stacked up in a box by the sofa.
“I started packing,” Joanne explains behind me. “I needed to keep busy, and suddenly, I didn’t find his presence quite so comforting.”
“Jodie told you.” It’s not a question.
“I don’t think she told me everything, but she told me enough to know that your presence in her life was both a blessing and a curse.”
“I guess I should take that, because I deserve so much worse.”
“Did he really treat you and your mum like that?”
“Yes,” I state, turning back to look at her so she can see the honesty in my eyes. “And since discovering you, I’m starting to understand why he hated us so much. He was trapped with us. Everything he wanted was here, and he couldn’t have it.”
“I’m so sorry,” she breathes, tears clinging to her eyelashes.
I shake my head. “None of it was your fault, Joanne. I’m the one who should be saying that. I went after Jodie with the intention of hurting Jonas, for punishing him for what he did to me, to my mum. And that is unforgivable. I ripped both of your lives apart while I was right under your noses when none of this was on you. You’re both as innocent in all of this as I am—as I was. It was unfair of me to target you just because he loved you, Joe and Jodie the way he should have loved me… us.”