With a heavy sigh, I make my way out onto the street.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out to find a message from Sara asking me how I got on, and another from Toby.
Just like all the other times he’s messaged me in the past few days, my heart has picked up speed in my chest as an internal war continues to rage within me.
I’m still pissed that he never told me who he really was, the sort of life he really lives. But more so, I just really fucking miss him.
I told myself that I’d let him have some space to look after his mum and be with his family while I tried to get my head around everything before I agreed to meet him and force him to talk. But as each day has passed, my need to just see him only grows, and my anger continues to weaken.
He knows something is wrong as well. He’s figured out that I’m avoiding seeing him. His messages are coming more often, his requests to see me becoming more and more serious. But I’m scared. I’m scared that he’ll either continue to lie to me, or—and possibly worse—he’ll be completely honest about who he is and the things he really does for work.
I didn’t want to do it, but in the end, I caved to find out more about the Cirillo Family and I read a few news articles I found online. Each one was more terrifying than the last. There were reports of violence, extortion, drug trafficking, gambling rings, fraud, just to name a few. The thought of the guy I’ve allowed into my life being involved in some of that makes my head spin, and not in a good way.
I know he’s got a dark streak. I saw it that very first night we met, even before he tied me to that St. Andrew’s cross. And I’ve seen it since. But I happily believed that it was his past, the abuse from his father and his fear for his mother after her illness. I didn’t bat an eye when he told me that his injuries the other night were from some drunk and over-excited patrons in the hotel he works at. I realise now that it must have all been complete bullshit, and I fell for it. All of it.
Toby: Can I see you tonight?
Jodie: I’m not sure what my plans are yet. Just heading home to see Mum.
It’s not a lie, yet guilt floods my veins, knowing that I’m putting off the inevitable.
Toby: Did I do something wrong? I can’t help feeling like you’re blowing me off.
I lower my phone as I continue walking toward the tube, desperately trying to summon the courage to just meet him, get this all out in the open, and then try to decide where I go next.
It’s not like I’m living a nice calm life and messing things up with him will ruin my zen or whatever. There is zero fucking zen in my life right now.
Jodie: I’m sorry, things are just crazy at the moment.
I resist from adding any more, needing to know where his head is at right now.
Toby: Then let me help you take your mind off it. Say yes, Demon.
“Shit,” I hiss as I jog down the stairs to the station and tap my card to the entry barrier.
Jodie: Yes.
My stomach tumbles as I consider the fact that I could have just made a massive mistake. But I figure that it’s too late now, especially as I descend the escalator and my phone signal cuts off.
My heart pounds in my damn ears as I take a seat in the almost empty train and drum my fingers against my thigh.
I want to see him, I do, more than I even want to admit to myself. But… shit.
Is he going to be the same person I was falling for now I know the truth? Or is he just going to be some monster that’s connected to all those awful things?
Things that Joe managed to get involved with. A dark and dangerous world I have no desire to be associated with.
Jesus, what would Mum think?
I scrub my hand down my face. All she’s talked about since Toby rushed out of the house on Sunday night is when I’m going to see him again and wanting to know about every minute of our weekend away. It’s like she’s living vicariously through us, and as much as I love the escape from reality it gives her, it also hurts.
The second my phone gets some signal, it starts buzzing in my hand as message after message is delivered.
I don’t need to look down to know they’re all him. And when I finally do lift it, I find I’m right.
Toby: Good girl, Demon.
Tingles erupt throughout my body as I hear him growl those words in my ear.