19
Isa
Isat on the edge of the bed, staring out the window and waiting for Rafael to show his face. Joaquin and Regina had helped me to the room on wobbly legs, depositing me there to wait alone. There was nothing to be said in the moments where we all tried to wrap our heads around what had happened. They seemed both relieved and shocked at Rafael’s decision not to brand me.
I was still hung up on how close he’d come to following through. On the fact that he’d been so close to scarring my flesh permanently, simply because I didn’t choose a man I hardly knew over the family who had raised me.
It had been hours since he'd stormed off from the pyre and left me in the dirt. Hours since he'd left me to cry in Regina's arms as I came down from the overwhelming adrenaline rush of what I'd prepared myself for. After an entire day anticipating the brand, my body still trembled with the energy of it not happening.
In the absence of the brand, without Rafael present for me to either rail against for scaring the shit out of me or hug for not following through, I didn't know what to do with myself.
So I sat, trying to retreat into my head so I could process what had happened, but the normal emptiness that welcomed me was gone. Vanished as if it had gone up in flames instead of my skin.
My gaze darted around the room as I thought over Regina's words. The fact that she seemed to think it would be a negative for people to know Rafe cared about me didn't bode well for my safety. I clenched my teeth, trying to wrap my head around the implications of having a mob boss love me.
I still didn't believe it, but there wassomethingthere. Something had prevented Rafael from branding me when he'd shown no remorse for what he’d done to Hugo.
The bedroom door suddenly opened as he stepped in, barely glancing my way as he went straight for the bathroom.
I stood from the bed, staring after him in enraged disbelief. After everything he'd put me through, he thought he could justignoreme? He emerged a moment later, staring at me across the space. He closed the distance between us slowly, reaching up a hand to cup my cheek gently. I swatted it away, glaring at him as he dared to look at me with all the affection I'd needed hours ago.
"You were going to brand me!" I yelled in his face. I pounded my fist against his bare chest once. Repeating the motion over and over, I wanted nothing more than to mark him for what he'd put me through. To make him feel even just a hint of the terror I'd felt knowing that he would hurt me.
He accepted the assault, not moving a muscle as he let me vent my frustrations into his skin. Only when tears fell down my cheeks did he reach up with both hands and cup my face in his grip. I wrapped my hands around his hips, staring up at him.
"I didn't," he murmured gently, pressing his lips to my forehead. The soothing sound of his voice shouldn't have felt like a comfort, not when he'd been the one who wanted to scar me, but the lack of all harshness from it reminded me of the hints of the man I'd loved in Ibiza.
The man beneath the monster.
He moved one hand to my neck, putting pressure there and holding me steady as his other hand dropped to his pants pocket. Pulling out a black switch blade, he pressed the button to free the knife itself as I reeled away from his grip. But he refused to release me, turning it in his hand until the point faced him.
"Show me your darkness," he murmured, pressing the hilt of the knife into my hands. He dragged it up and over his bare torso, the blade leaving a thin, raised pink trail as it slid over his skin. He stopped when the tip of the knife rested just over his heart, his hands pressed firmly into mine as he pulled it closer. The tip pierced his chest, the give of his skin popping beneath it vibrating up the blade and through the hilt in my hand.
"What are you doing?" I asked, my horror mounting as he held my grip steady.
"You want your freedom? The only way is if I'm dead,mi reina," he said, digging the blade in more firmly. I winced as blood coated the edges of the knife where it protruded from his skin. His eyes were gentle on mine, intense and probing as he lifted one of his hands off mine and cupped my cheek in his hand. "It belongs to you. Whether it beats or not."
"Stop," I gasped, pulling my hand back. He held me firmly to the knife, refusing to let me release it until he was good and ready. My freedom was literally in my hands, but tears stung my eyes as I tried to picture sinking the blade into his flesh. As I thought of what it would be to see the life fade from his stunning eyes. A tear slipped free, gliding down my cheek as he watched me intently.
"Eres el amor de mi vida, mi reina,"he murmured as my hand trembled on the knife. His stare was trusting and resigned all at once, like it didn't matter to him if I killed him. "I won't live without you."
His hand moved the blade, carving into his skin as I stared at his chest with a strangled sob. He didn't flinch back from the pain, accepting it with nothing but affection in his eyes as he stared down at me. I clenched my eyes closed as the first letter came into view when he pulled our hands away, moving slightly to the side so that he could continue on. "Stop," I whimpered, watching him slice through the curve of the second letter. The last letter took more time as I fought his grip, trying to make him stop.
Only when he'd finished carving my name into the center of his chest did he lift the blade away one last time, centering it back to the space just below the word and pressing it into his flesh once more.
"I'm not a good man. I'll hurt you. I'll demand things of you that I have no right to ask, but I'm yours. If you don’t put this blade through my heart now, know that you're accepting all of me,mi reina.My way of life, my home, my cruelty. You will never get this chance again. So think very hard before you make your choice." He leaned down to kiss me gently, the knife pressing deeper into his flesh as he moved without a care. "If I live, you'll be my wife. You'll never be alone in the space inside your head again."
My lips trembled as he kissed away my tears. I stared at the knife in my hand as he watched my face, uncaring for the fact that his life could end with just a moment. "Aren't you afraid?" I whispered, glancing up at him.
"Why would I want to live if I don't have all of you?" He smiled sadly, dropping his second hand from the knife and lifting my empty one to wrap around it. I clenched my eyes closed, my palms squeezing around the hilt as I tried to force myself to end it all.
To take back the freedom he’d stolen from me.
"Meet me in the moonlight," he murmured softly, echoing the words that had started it all. The words I'd thought had brought me to him. Memories of our time in Ibiza fluttered through my mind. From our first meeting to walking on the beach after dinner.
And I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill the only man I had ever loved, no matter what he’d done to me or would continue to do.
The knife clattered to the floor as I dropped it, landing inches from my foot as I stepped back hurriedly. His lungs heaved with relief as he watched me across the space between us.
"You made a mistake,mi reina," he said. "You fell in love with your nightmare."
I didn't deny the words as he closed the distance between us and crushed his lips against mine.
How could I, when I'd chosen him over my freedom?