CHAPTER FIFTEEN
ITRAINEDTHATNIGHT.
All night.
Thirio watched it fall from his bedroom window. He stared out at the rain and forced himself to remember another night, a clear, sunny night, dry and hot, when his arrogance had forced him to fight with his mother, and his selfishness had pushed him out of the door.
He remembered the smell of smoke and the taste of ash. He remembered the sound of death and the knowledge of fault. But as the rain fell, and his heart groaned under the burden of his memories, he felt something else.
Doubt.
Doubt about this path he’d chosen. Doubt about the wisdom of spending his life like this, in his parents’ names. Lucinda had said they wouldn’t want this for him, and, alone in his room, he admitted to himself that she was right. His parents would have wanted him to forgive himself, and move on.
More than that, for the first time in six years, he allowed himself a fantasy he’d never dared indulge: he wondered if they’d have been proud of him, and the man he’d become. Would his father admire the work Thirio had done with the company, and for their favoured charities? Was he the version of himself his mother had longed to see? Would she smile now to know how different he was? Or would she judge him for making more decisions she didn’t agree with, for pushing away Lucinda?
He had reconciled himself to the fact that this was temporary, and yet, as the sky lightened and the moment of her departure approached, he doubted everything.
Most of all, he regretted words he hadn’t said, words she deserved to hear. She’d overcome her fears to tell him how she felt—didn’t he owe her the same? Regardless of what the future held, shouldn’t he show the same courage she’d demonstrated?
It rained all night and he watched every drop, until the sky was wrung dry, and only then did he breathe in deeply and turn, walking towards her before he could change his mind. Walking towards her because, in the end, it was the only thing he could do.
Her bedroom was empty.
Panic laced his veins.
He’d left it too late. His rejection had been too final. She’d left.
He swore into her room, true desperation flooding him. As a weak dawn light filtered into her bedroom, he felt with clarity what he’d lost, and this time, it was the hardest loss he’d ever known. Because it wasn’t a drunken mistake. He’d pushed her away. Again and again and again, when she’d been brave enough to face up to what they shared, he’d shut her down, building a wall around himself, fighting for this solitary existence.
He dropped his head, his breathing ragged, the reality of his choices burning through him.
‘Thirio?’ Her voice was soft, edged with worry. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Lucinda.’ His eyes pierced her. ‘You’re still here.’
She stepped out of the en suite bathroom, wearing a T-shirt and briefs. He barely noticed her state of undress. He could only stare at her face, her beautiful face, so grateful to see it again when seconds ago he’d been sure she was gone for good, just as he’d asked her to be. ‘What did you think?’
It felt foolish now. After all, the logistics of leaving thecastilein the dead of night, particularly a stormy night, were almost insurmountable.
‘That you’d left,’ he said with a small shrug of his shoulders.
‘Not yet, but soon.’
He hadn’t come here to hide from the truth any more. He needed to face up to this. No more delays. ‘I don’t want you to leave.’
The words filled the room, expanding and contracting until they occupied every space. She stared at him, her features giving nothing away.
‘I see.’ She hesitated. ‘No, actually, I don’t. What exactly do you mean?’
Good point. He hadn’t exactly made himself clear. ‘I knew the moment I met you that you were dangerous to me. You were different and perceptive and kind, and you didn’t let me get away with anything. You challenged me from the moment you got here, and I needed that. I needed you.’ He still wasn’t getting this across. He reached into the pocket of his trousers, withdrawing the small jewel he’d found.
He carried it towards her, his hand closed into a fist until he reached her, then he flatted his palm to reveal what he held.
‘Where did you find this?’ She reached for the diamond necklace, touching the stone gently, then moving to his palm, pressing a finger to his flesh and closing her eyes.
He did the same, inhaling, tasting her on the tip of his tongue. He pulled away, watching her as he unfastened the chain. ‘After you left, I spent a lot of time in your room. No matter what I was doing in the day, I was drawn to that space, as though by being there I could be close to you. I found it in a gap in the floorboards.’
‘Oh.’