‘You hurt me.’
The raw admission was like a punch in the gut. She pulled her hand free at the same time she took a gulp of her wine, eyes fixing on the view, the silhouette of hundreds of pine trees against the dark night sky.
He didn’t ask what she meant. He knew the answer.
‘I was abrupt,’ he admitted. ‘I hadn’t expected things to go so far between us.’
‘I know that.’ She nodded softly, her kindness the last thing he wanted and deserved.
‘I thought it was just physical. I thought we could sleep together and then I’d be able to move on. I didn’t know you’d get under my skin, Lucinda.’
She flinched a little. ‘And you don’t want me there?’
‘I don’t want you to care for me,’ he said automatically. ‘I don’t want you to hope that you can change me, and what I want in life.’
‘Which is to be alone.’
‘Yes.’ He stared at her, to convince her, even when doubts were flicking through him.
‘What if I want to help you feel better?’
He shunned that. ‘I don’t deserve it.’
‘Says who?’
‘Anyone who can see clearly.’
‘An eye for an eye? Is that it?’
He took a drink of his wine, barely appreciating the excellence. ‘Something like that.’
‘What about what’s right for Evie? What about what’s right for me? What about the people who care about you, who want you to be happy? Don’t we deserve some consideration?’
Ice flooded Thirio. ‘I’ve been honest with you from the start about my...limitations.’
‘But you weren’t honest,’ she countered angrily. ‘You told me you wanted to be alone and yet you reached for me with both hands. You do it every time we’re together.’ He ground his teeth. ‘But you didn’t tell me why you were fighting this, until it was too late. If you had, I would have known that you’d made the decision from a place of fear.’
‘You can’t possibly understand.’
‘Maybe not.’ She sighed. ‘All I know is that you’re denying us both something really great because you’re living in the past.’
‘Only it’s not my past,’ he ground out. ‘It’s my present, my future, my waking nightmare. Every time I look in the mirror I see the evidence of what I did. You’re asking me to forget—’
‘Not to forget. But to forgive yourself.’
‘And I’m telling you, I can’t. I never will.’
‘Even for me?’
‘I don’t deserve—’ He shook his head. ‘This has no future.’ He forced the words to ring with certainty. ‘I don’t know how else I can say it to make you believe...’
‘Tell me you don’t want me,’ she said quietly, stoicism in the words.
He tried to shape the words, but couldn’t. ‘I want you to forget me after the wedding. I should have been strong enough to end this before it started.’
Sadness washed over Lucinda’s face, but her lips twisted into a smile that was ghostly, bittersweet. ‘I’ll always be glad you didn’t.’ She angled her face away for a moment, drawing in a shuddering breath. ‘Let’s eat, Thirio. Tomorrow’s a big day. We both need a good night’s sleep.’
Regret clawed through him. He wanted—with all his heart—things he could never have. But that didn’t stop him wanting.