20
MIA
It’s been a weird couple days. After John had his night terror—which scared the hell out of me, by the way—he’s been in a funk. I can feel him shutting down and putting up a wall again. I wish it was easier for him to open up to me; then I would know how to be there for him. I feel useless most of the time, not knowing what to do. We’ve slept in the same bed together every night, and I get the feeling he doesn’t like to sleep alone. But during the day, he’s been avoiding eye contact with me and doesn’t smile as much as he used to. His face has gone back to being stoney and hard.
Tonight I have a plan to hopefully lighten the mood a little bit. I made us a huge salad for dinner, and I bring that and a bottle of wine over to the backyard patio by the pool. I’m wearing a cute white floral sundress, and curled my hair. I set the salad on a table and then open the sliding door.
“John? I’m here!” I call into the quiet house.
He appears in the hallway and gives me a tight smile. To his credit, I can see how much he’s trying. It’s like he’s going through the motions, but the light’s just not on inside. He’s wearing jeans and a light blue polo shirt, which reminds me that he looks absolutely striking in blue. He comes closer and kisses my cheek as he walks past me outside.
“Come sit down! I made us dinner,” I say cheerfully, gesturing to the table I moved next to the pool.
“This looks great. Thank you.” Even his voice is slightly flat.
As we eat, I tell him about my day, trying to get him to react to anything I’m saying. He nods every once in a while, but he’s just not here, not present with me tonight. My stomach starts to sink a little bit. What if I can’t get through to him? What if he wants nothing to do with me anymore?
After we finish eating, I push my chair back, stand up, and move to stand next to his chair, offering him my hand. “Come on, I want to dance with you,” I whisper.
“Dance with me?” He looks at me, brows furrowed in confusion. “I don’t have music out here.”
“I’ve taken care of that.” I use my phone to turn on music that is connected to the wireless speaker I bought in town and placed on the ground by the house. “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran starts playing through the speakers. I look into his eyes, maintain eye contact, and pull him up to stand. We walk a few feet away from the table, and I bring his hands around to rest on my lower back. I put my arms around the top of his shoulders, and we start swaying to the slow beat. I take a deep breath and savor his scent. He smells woodsy, with hints of cedar and spice. There’s also a hint of salt. I suspect most guys born and raised in Hawaii smell a little bit like the ocean.
I refuse to take my eyes from his, hoping that he’ll find whatever it is he’s searching for in mine. I run my hands from his shoulders down his arms and back up again. His eyes still locked on mine, his face starts to slowly soften, and I see a glimpse of John coming back. The fog in his eyes is clearing, and I can finally recognize the man who’s staring back at me. Relief floods over me.
There you are.
I bring my hands to his neck and let out a sigh. “John… I know I can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through, but I want to help you any way I can. I just wish I knew how to be there for you.”
His eyes look regretful, and he hesitates, struggling with what to say. “It’s not you at all, Mia. You help me so much by just being here, you have no idea. I just… there’s things I can’t get past… I… I just don’t know how to deal sometimes… and I don’t want to drag you down with me.”
I shake my head. “I’m a big girl, John. If I didn’t think I could handle it, I wouldn’t even try. I’m not scared of this.” I let a few seconds pass in silence. “Have you thought about seeing someone? A therapist? There are resources available for you, right?” I ask hesitantly, nervous about what his reaction will be.
His face hardens, and he blows out a breath. “I haven’t been able to work up the nerve to do it. I’m terrified of going down that road. The thought of reliving it all makes me sick to my stomach.”
I nod softly, my heart breaking for him. “That’s understandable.” I push my lips together in a sympathetic smile. “Thanks for being honest with me.” I don’t want to push the issue, so I smile at him again, wanting to lift the mood. “Well, I’m here if you ever want to talk or anything. I’ll be there for you in any way I can. I kinda like you, you know.”
He finally gives me the warm smile that I’ve missed the last couple days. “I like you, too,” he says and leans down to kiss my lips. As soon as his lips touch mine, I hang onto him tighter and push into him, refusing to let him pull back. He parts his lips and kisses me with such intensity my knees start to go weak. He grips my waist tighter, gathering the fabric of my dress in his hands, and pulling me further into him. He eventually breaks the kiss, but doesn’t let me go.
“I’m sorry I’ve been distant the last couple days… this is why It’s not fair to—“
I cut him off. “Let’s go swimming.” I grab his hand and tug him towards the pool.
“Right now? We’re dressed…” He’s looking at me like I’m crazy. Maybe I am? Maybe I am absolutely out of my mind for him.
“So what? Carpe Diem, John... let’s live in the moment. Get out of your head and come swimming with me.” I’m almost to the edge, my back to the pool, facing John.
He slowly grins, and next thing I know, he’s charging at me, grabbing me by the hips and pushing us both in the pool. I squeal and grip his shoulders as we go under the water. Surfacing, I gasp for a breath and let out a laugh.
“Okay, maybe swimming in this dress wasn’t the best idea,” I say, panting. I’m struggling to push my legs far enough apart to tread water. John comes to my rescue, his strong arm coming beneath my knees to carry me sideways to shallower water. He sets me down once I can touch.
“Thank you, kind sir.”
“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been in this pool with this many clothes on,” John muses, swimming around me. “Without clothes, on the other hand…” He turns to me and winks, to which I respond with a smile.
“Did you swim here a lot growing up?”
“Yeah, the house I grew up in didn’t have a pool, and my parents were pretty close to my aunt and uncle, so we were over here all the time.”
“Why did your aunt and uncle move?”
“For work. My uncle’s job offered him a big pay raise to transfer to their corporate office in Cali. They moved while I was overseas, but they came back when I got home to help me get settled in the house.”
“Do you like living here?”
“I do, for the most part… I definitely wouldn’t be able to afford this on my own.”
I nod and lean back to float, doing bird flaps. John leans against the pool wall, watching me.
“You know, chlorine is terrible for my hair. It dries it out like crazy… you should consider yourself pretty lucky; I don’t risk damaging my hair for just anybody,” I tease. Still floating, I shift my eyes to the side and find John smiling. My heart sighs in relief, because damn is it good to see him smile.
He comes closer, places a hand under my back to help keep me afloat, and leans down to give me a gentle kiss. “How do you somehow always know exactly what I need?” he asks softly. I smile up at him, and we spend the rest of the evening floating under the stars. As grateful as I am for being able to lessen some of John’s pain tonight, I find myself desperately wishing I knew how to take it all away for good.
When we’re done swimming, John brings me out a T-shirt and boxers of his to wear while we clear the table and wash the dishes in the kitchen. Once everything’s put away, John turns to me. “Do you want to sleep here or at the cottage?” We’ve slept here at the main house a couple of times so far, but we mostly sleep at the cottage. There’s something about that place. It’s small and quaint, which makes it seem that much cozier and feels like we’re living in our own little world over there. I’ve quickly fallen in love with it.
“Cottage? I didn’t bring my toothbrush or anything over.”
“Sounds good.” He turns off all the lights in the main house and locks the pool door. We walk to the cottage by moonlight, and I grab John’s hand, feeling pretty good about the evening. John definitely seems lighter, and that makes me happy.
Once inside, I change into my pajama tank and shorts, then head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I’m brushing, John appears wearing just his pants. He knows I can’t resist him when he’s shirtless. He comes up behind me, bringing his head down to kiss the spot where my neck meets my shoulder. A shiver runs through me as he gently slides the strap of my tank top down to trail more kisses along my skin. I lean my head in the opposite direction to give him more room while his other arm comes around, and he rests his hand flat on my stomach, gently pushing me back into him. I’m not sure why my mind chooses this moment to wander, but I find myself wondering if I should be nervous or scared of him. Would other girls be hesitant to get involved with someone who clearly has some mental shit they were working through? Maybe… but I just can’t see a single thing that would scare me off with John. I don’t see danger when I look into his eyes. I just see devastation and heartbreak.
I finish brushing, rinse, and set my toothbrush on the counter. I slowly turn, while he keeps his body pressed against mine, slip my arms around his waist, tucking my fingers into the pants near the top of his butt. I lean forward and plant a kiss right in the middle of his chest, then look up just in time to connect with John’s mouth that is moving down toward me. We kiss for a few minutes, each second increasing the urgency I’m certain we both feel. I bring my hands to his chest and push against him until he starts to slowly move. I back him out of the bathroom, and veer him left down the hall to the bedroom. We never break our kiss, even as we enter the room, and he spins me around, slamming the door shut with his foot.