“What are you doing here?” I ask gruffly, the cold and the aching in my bones and muscles wearing me down, my patience next to nothing.
She steps over the snow toward me but leaves plenty of space between us. “I wanted to see how you were.”
“You drove all this way to see how I am? You could have called.”
“I tried. All I get is voicemail.”
“Sorry. I’m busy.”
Her green eyes glow against her coat and the bright color sets off her pale skin. She reaches out her hand but lets it drop. “What happened, Rick? Did I do something? Because if I did, I’m sorry. Are you angry I looked into the accident? Do you blame me because we didn’t have enough to arrest Everett? You were in my hospital room holding me, and all of a sudden we were done. I don’t understand.”
Her pleas break my heart. Why can’t she see it’s me, not her? Why can’t she understand it’s my own inadequacies I’m dealing with, that it has nothing to do with her?
She swallows. “Is it your ex-wife? If it is, you can tell me. Ever since we met, all I’ve wanted is for you to be happy. If that’s not with me, I can handle it. I just want to know.” Tears fill her eyes. “You wanted babies with her.”
“It’s not Renata, Devyn. Okay? It’s not her. You’re always pushing, you’re always poking around, sticking your nose into other people’s business, yet you never think about your own. Never think that maybe it’s you. Why do you think I never said it? Ever wonder why I never said I love you? Because I don’t. You were unwanted then, and you’re unwanted now. Go back to Cedar Hill. Go back to your fancy job at the Times and leave me alone.”
She stumbles back, her eyes never leaving mine. “You’re right,” she says, as if she’s just realizing how true my words are. “You never said it. But you showed me. You showed me when we made love. You showed me when you sent me that interview. You showed me the day you went to Cedar Hill when Stevie shot at me on the site. You showed me when Stevie and Everett kidnapped me, and you found me. You showed me at the hospital when I woke up. I can still feel your arms wrapped around me, holding me so close, assuring me I hadn’t been exposed to Sweet. Even the kiss on my forehead before you left, before youran away,showed me. I could go on and on with the ways you’ve shown me you love me. You’re showing me now because I can see it in your eyes. I don’t know why you’re doing this, but I’ll leave you alone. I don’t need to be told twice.” She laughs a little, toes the snow with her boot. “You know that’s a big fat lie. I need to be told more than once, but hey, thisistwice, right? I can work with that.” Her voice cracks, and I can’t do anything.
I can’t do anything but wish she would wrap her arms around me and thaw me out. I am so cold, so fucking cold.
She walks away, tears dripping down her cheeks.
Before she rounds the lighthouse, she says, “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
She disappears, and I listen for her car but the engine is too quiet for me to hear over the wind and water.
I walk to the edge of the cliff, Harbor Lake splashing and slapping angrily against the rocks below.
That’s the problem, isn’t it. I know exactly where to find her, and it’s not anywhere I want to be. She shouldn’t have to choose between me or the job she’s wanted most in the world, just as I shouldn’t have to choose between living in Cedar Hill and giving up my peace of mind or staying here, trying to put my life back together in the only way I’ve come to know how.
I stand outside until the sky is pitch black, and my back can’t take it anymore.