“Admit it.” Her voice is soft and serious. I know she worries about what she’ll do if I ever meet someone, someone who wouldn’t want her as a third wheel in our relationship. I would never let that happen. Talia will be in recovery for the rest of her life, walking that tightrope between sobriety and the need to get high, and I would never let her try to live on her own. The only way I’d ever loosen my grip is if she were to meet someone and he promised to move heaven and earth to keep her safe. Until then, she’s stuck with me.
We need each other.
“Fine,” I say grudgingly, “there’s something about him, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to go anywhere. I’m sure women everywhere have that reaction to him.”
“Not since the accident. Devyn...”
“You don’t have to worry. Besides, with the way his wife left him, she probably soured him on women for the rest of his life. There’s no way he’d give me a chance even if I wanted one. Can you imagine, your husband, the love of your life, walking out on you when you need him most? I wouldn’t doubt if he wrote a vow in his own blood never to fall in love again.”
“If you’re sure.”
“I am. I have more important things to do than worry about Rick Mercer. I just want to go home. I never should have driven up here to begin with. Besides,” I add lightly, “he thinks I have a boyfriend. He overheard me last night telling you I missed you.”
Talia lets out a laugh. It sounds real and uninhibited, and it warms my heart. “Sneaky! You wanted to make him jealous!”
“That’s not why I didn’t correct him! A lighthouse sounds huge, but his actual living space isn’t that big. There aren’t a lot of places to be alone, and I thought it would be better if he thinks I’m attached so he won’t get any ideas.”
“You did the exact opposite, and you know it. People always want what they can’t have.”
“All I want is a job I don’t hate going to every day that can support us. It sounds so simple, but hey, that’s for me to worry about. I want you to focus on classes. Do you want to see pictures from the top of the lighthouse?”
Talia knows I’m trying to change the subject. I don’t want her thinking I can’t, or don’t want to, take care of her. She already feels like a drain, but I understand it when she says she’s mentally tired and can’t do everything a girl her age should be doing. We’ve done enough therapy for me to realize she needs space, and if she doesn’t feel like working, it’s not her fault. One day she’ll graduate, and she can open a practice or work in an office with other psychologists and the scrimping will all have been worth it. Until then, I’ll do whatever I need to do.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll look at them after class. I love you, Devyn.”
Her voice is low, soft, and sad, and the words are full of so much more than love. “I love you, too. Hey, I’m glad you called.”
Confused, she says, “You called me.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Oh. You were my only choice.”
“You didn’t have to,” I say, looking down at my lap, “but I’m glad you did.”
Talia doesn’t say anything else, simply hangs up, and I hope our conversation didn’t bring her to a bad place. It’s not the kind of talk I like to have if we’re not with a therapist helping us through it, but I’ll worry about her more than usual until I’m home. I snap a few pictures of the snow blowing by, and a pretty selfie with my lips puckered in a kiss for her.
I linger for a little longer finding a small sliver of solace alone in the white.
When I go back downstairs, it’s lunchtime, but Rick still isn’t around, and I grab a bag of chips from the pantry, the book I found, and I settle in to read the rest of the day away.