I leave Annie to put the girls to bed and step into our ensuite, stripping down to my boxers.
I stare at my reflection. Tired brown eyes stare back at me as I examine my newly developed wrinkles, the deepening furrows along my eyes and forehead, the spattering of white chest hair and the stomach that used to be flat and is slowly becoming pudgy and soft. I wonder what Amy finds attractive about this, given her young supple skin and youth. How could she say she wants me? Wants more of me? I shake my head and head into the shower, letting the heat burn my skin.
I keep my eyes open, at least for a few moments, knowing that each time I close them Amy floods my vision. The way she touched me like she had ten hands, the way I felt her everywhere all at once and still it wasn’t enough, the way she kissed me and devoured me.
I want to stop thinking about her, stop wanting her, but I can’t, and I don’t know if it’s the pleasure or the desire.
Can I keep lying to myself? Saying I was caught up in the moment? That it was just desire to have her and stop being a cop, stop being a husband or a father, just to be a man who craves to feel, to be touched by a 21-year-old woman?
But the reality is that I want more.
And there’s the guilt. And it’s not about what I’ve done, or how I had her, it’s that I want to do it again and again and again.
But of course, I can’t. There’s too much at stake…
* * *
Ifind Annie in the laundry room. She’s folding the clothes ready to be redistributed in cupboards.
“Thank you for my flowers, they’re beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful.” A red blush spreads across her cheeks.
“How was your day, did you speak to Superintendent Young?”
“Annie, don’t.”
“It’s only a question.”
“It’s not.”
“Well, did you?” She puts down a pink shirt and grabs another from the basket.
“No, of course not, it’s been twenty-four hours and we’ve been busy.”
“Surely you can find five minutes to—”
“Annie,” I warn her, “these things take time…”
“How much time, Joe? It’s been months! You’ve been punished enough. Just go into his office and demand your fucking job back.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” She puts the folded shirt down like an exclamation mark.
“You know that if I could—”
“You can, you just won’t. I don’t know, maybe it’s easier for you to work the long hours and stay away from us. Maybe it’s what you really want.”
I think about this morning, how she rode me without kissing me, how her smile didn’t touch her eyes at dinner, but still. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Yeah, I am. You can go in there at any time and—”
I slash the distance between us and get in her face, looming over her. My nostrils flare with every breath I take, and my heart pounds in my chest. My fists clench by my sides, and she shrinks back and cowers. “Do you have any idea what I did, Annie? How much shit I had to eat just to keep my job? And I did it foryouand the girls,” I hiss through an iron-clad jaw. “I can’t justwalkinto Tom’s office and demand shit. There are procedures and protocols, there are shrink appointments and psych evaluations and a whole bunch of other things you already know about, and the fact that Izzy has been put away changes nothing. So fuck off with this bullshit.”
I’m panting by the time I am done, and she’s shivering beneath me. I hate it when she does that; like I’m going to hurt her. She knows I never would, and yet each time I lose my temper she quivers. It riles me up even more.
My blood is hot in my veins and my body feels tight with anger that has no direction and bounces inside me in an angry mass.