“How?”
“I figured when we all left NY, and there was stuff on the news about a new gang taking over… We were so young, and you had just lost your father and grandfather… Well, my family has always loved you and your family. I never wanted to push the subject.” I’m not sure what to say, and before I can, she seems to anticipate my shock. “No one else knows. Promise.” She holds out her pinky, and I take it and shake to the promise like we’re kindergarteners, like it means everything to me because it does. Her knowing might make things easier, but I don’t know if I should tell her more.
“Antonio and I are not really dating.” She scrunches her face up in such disbelief I’m a bit shocked myself.
“You two seemed so perfect, though….” She's studying the air, probably replaying every interaction to see a fault.
“Our families want us to get together for—“ her eyes widen.
“Family business stuff?”
“Yeah. But you know me—“
“You want control of your life.” I nod.
“Hm.” There is more silence between studying looks, and then she takes another breath to speak.
“So when did you guys have sex?” I gasp and slap her arm with the back of my hand.
“What the hell, Iris?” We are giggling into our pillows so we don’t wake the rest of the group.
“So you have.” She whisper-yells between laughter.
“Fuck. Yes.” I grit and facepalm dramatically.
“So wait! You like each other!”
“No!” I nearly say at talking volume.
“No?”
“No.”
“Stop. You do.”
“Are you joking? Did you see the way he acted tonight?”
“Stella, I didn’t ask if you were mad at him or if you hate the way he acts when he’s drunk and scared… I asked if you like him.” I suck my lips inward, bite the inside of my cheek so I don’t say anything I’m not prepared to hear from myself. After a second, I shake my head.
“I can’t.” She studies my eyes for a second before nodding.
“Goodnight, Stell.” She gives me a sympathetic smile before turning around and leaving me in an even worse state than she found me. How the fuck am I supposed to sleep soundly now?
All night I toss and turn, in and out of sleep, so it feels like I’m not really getting any rest. Every time I become the least bit aware of myself, I begin to groggily analyze every bit of the last two weeks with Antonio. What the hell have I done to deserve such a complicated, confusing, and honestly frustrating situation.
I don’t want to even see his face again because all I can think of when I picture him is the emotions he makes me feel.
No matter how pissed I am at him, he somehow makes me forgive him and want to be around him. I don’t think that’s healthy— don’t thinkwe’rehealthy. I should just plan to avoid him and everything that reminds me of him.
He fucked up, so he should apologize. End of story. We both need this to work to get what we want, so if he’s out, then so am I. I’ll just have to figure this out another way.
After tossing and turning for a few more hours, I decide to watch the sunrise. Remember that staircase I was talking about last night? The one I can’t walk up alone when it’s dark. Well, it just so happens to face East and is the perfect view for some spectacular sunrises. Quietly, I leave the room while everyone blissfully sleeps, and I’ll admit I’m a little jealous of them.
I go to the third level and sit right at the corner of the landing, regretting not bringing a blanket because the marble steps are always cold. I bring my knees to my chest and rest my side against the window, looking out over the field that’s beginning to brighten at the tips as the sun slowly lifts over it.
“It’s beautiful.” Brandt alarms me as he slaps his bare feet down the steps. I don’t look at him until he’s right next to me, a blanket in hand. He sits down next to me and covers both of our shoulders with it.
“It is.” I finally say, continuing to watch as bursts of purple and red explode across the sky in slow motion.