It was getting better. I came to a point where I was able to be in the company of huge men without freaking out. I could even hold a normal conversation, as long as they didn’t touch me. Yes, most people, especially men, are taller than me. But most of them don’t trigger a panic attack. I only react to men who are as tall as Brian had been, and who have significant muscle mass.
Roman looks nothing like Brian, who was blond and had a surfer look about him, but they have similar height and build. Maybe if I was warned in some way, or if I knew what to expect, I wouldn’t have reacted so extremely. But I was still sleepy, and with Roman suddenly towering in front of me, I just flipped.
I have to get out of this room. There is still work to do, people to deceive. I can do this.
Lifted by my self-pep talk, I get up from the bed, and with my head held high, I march out of the room.
Roman is sitting at the table, fork in one hand and holding his phone to his ear with the other. Judging by the dark look on his face, it’s not good news. I do my best to school my features and join him, picking the chair next to him on purpose. My action says, “I’m not afraid of you. The episode from the kitchen was just a misunderstanding. Let’s pretend it never happened.”
He’s still on the phone when I sit down, but he’s been following my every step with his eyes. Making sure that my moves are perfectly calm, I fill a glass with water and focus on the food in the middle of the table. There is a bowl of mashed potatoes, an assortment of fish, and some salads, so I take a plate and pile it up. I grab a slice of bread as well and dig in.
“I’ll be downstairs in twenty minutes,” Roman says into the phone, puts it down on the table, and resumes eating.
We eat in silence, the only sound coming from the cutlery and it’s strangely... domestic. I expected him to start asking about this morning, but he doesn’t even mention it, and I’m relieved.
“I sent Valentina to pick up some of your clothes,” he says finally. “They’re in a bag in the living room.”
“Peachy.” I grab a cherry tomato from my plate and throw it in my mouth.
Roman leans back and, crossing his arms in front of him, watches me for a few seconds. I try to focus on my food instead of his muscular arms which are stretching the material of his shirt. I fail miserably.
He tilts his head to the side and narrows his eyes at me. “You know, I find it very interesting that you are handling this situation much better than I hoped.”
“What situation?” I reach for the salad bowl and refill my plate with lettuce and more cherry tomatoes.
“This. Being blackmailed into a marriage with someone like me. Having to put your life on hold for six months. I expected you to be wary. Reluctant. Scared. You seem... unnaturally nonchalant.”
“You think I’m mentally unstable?” I take a leaf of lettuce, wrap it around a cherry tomato and dip it into the mayonnaise while Roman regards me with interest.
“Are you?” he asks. “Mentally unstable?”
“Of course, not. I’m the embodiment of mental stability. Ask anyone.” I point to my lettuce-tomato-mayo ball. “You want one?”
Based on the look on his face, he is not amused. I sigh and look him straight in the eyes. “Yes, I find this situation disturbing, but it is what it is. Do I have a say in it? No. Can I change anything? No, again. Whether I fight it or not, the result will be the same. The way I see it, it’s better to just accept the fucking thing and go along with it.”
“You’re a little nuts, you know that, right?”
“Life is crazy. You have to embrace it.” I shrug and motion with my head toward the crutches leaned on the table next to him. “Why the wheelchair when you can walk?”
“I’d rather call it dragging. And I still can’t manage the whole day on crutches. I plan on ditching the wheelchair at some point, but until I can make it a full day, I don’t want anyone to know.”
“Why not?”
“I have my reasons. Only Maxim, Varya, and my physiotherapist know. And now you. I want to keep it that way, Nina.”
“Nobody has caught you walking? A maid? Someone coming into your suite unannounced?”
“Only Varya is allowed in here. She handles the cleaning. Everyone else knows to stay out of my rooms unless they are specifically invited.”
“And what would happen if someone did catch you? Would that be a problem?”
“Not really. Because I would kill them on the spot.”
At first, I think he’s joking, but then he looks at me and I see it in his eyes. He’s dead serious.
“You are a scary man, Mr. Petrov.”
“It goes with the job description, Nina,” he says. “There are only three things people understand in my world: loyalty, money, and death. Remember that.” He reaches for the crutches. “I have to discuss something with Maxim. I’ll be back in an hour.”
I stand up quickly, take a deep breath, and will my legs not to move from the spot. There is no way I’ll allow the episode from this morning to repeat itself. He is not Brian. I will not let my unreasonable fear rule me.
Roman positions his crutches on either side of him and stands upright in front of me. Dear God, he’s huge. My heartbeat quickens but I manage not to flinch. I can handle this. I will be living with him for the next six months, so I have to get it together. Very slowly I raise my head and look him in the eyes without batting an eyelash. But I sure as shit make certain my trembling hands are hidden behind my back.
“I wonder what they fed you growing up,” I say, and even manage a small smirk.
He just watches me for a few seconds, and then reaches with his hand and trails his thumb down my cheek.
“You are an exceptional actress,malysh.”
His hand vanishes from my cheek and he slowly heads into his bedroom. I wonder what he meant by that.