I wiped the wetness from my cheeks. “You can’t guarantee that. There are so many risks. You said so yourself. You can’t tell me for sure you’ll come out of this unscathed. You could die at Dante’s ball, and it would be all my fault. And that…that would kill me.” The knot in my throat was unbearable. I’d finally voiced it, this terrible thought that had plagued my mind since Brandon had suggested breaking into the vault. He might be insanely skilled, but he was still human, not invincible.
“Any danger I put myself in would never be your fault,” he said. “I make informed decisions based on each mission, my capabilities, and my limitations. Unless you shoot me yourself, you’re not to blame. Just as you’re not responsible for what happened to Kieran. Yes, there was a turf war going on, but it was still a one-in-a-million chance of catching a stray bullet from a drive-by.
“I can’t guarantee I’ll never get hurt again. I’ve been shot too many times to think that. But nothing in life is certain. All we have is right now. This very moment. That’s the only thing we can control.” He narrowed his eyes. “This is why you’ve been pushing me away?”
“It’s the only way I can cope. You don’t know what it was like for me when Kieran was killed. I can’t go through that again.”
“So you’d deny yourself happiness for the rest of your life? You’d choose to live in fear of something that might never happen?” He shook his head in disbelief. “That isn’t you.”
“I can live without the kind of happiness you’re offering, but I can’t live through having my heart torn from my chest again when someone I care about dies because of me.”
Brandon held my gaze, and the look of anguish on his face told me he understood the place where my pain festered.
“I’m all too familiar with death, Sage. It’s taught me life lessons I never wanted to learn. And I can tell you those close to my fallen brothers didn’t wish they’d never been in their lives. They only wished they’d done more with whatever time they’d had together.”
I thought about his words. It was painful to send my mind in that direction, but if Brandon had been killed at Dante’s tonight, what would I have wished for?
It struck me with the force of a Category 5 hurricane.
I’d have so much regret.
I’d regret putting my stupid fears above truly living and experiencing everything Brandon offered. I’d regret not giving him all I had in return. I’d regret hiding behind my carefully constructed emotional barriers, denying myself a chance at love, because this wasn’t living.
When Kieran had died, part of me had died with him. Since that day, I’d focused all my energy on seeking justice for his murder. I should’ve made more effort to bring myself back to life.
I was a shell of my former self, but being with Brandon, I felt truly alive for the first time in three years. And even if something unthinkable happened at the ball and it meant I’d only have two more days with him, I’d still take them and cling to the treasured memories for the rest of my life.
I must’ve spent too long pondering Brandon’s words because his hands shifted to the nape of my neck, snapping me from my thoughts. “Do you think any of this has been easy for me? Knowing that if anything goes wrong and Dante gets his hands on you, you could end up like Janie? And that I might not be able to save you, either? Those fears have gripped me from the moment Dante and Maxim walked into your apartment. And they’ve only gotten stronger because these feelings I have for you are—” He clutched his chest like he was going into cardiac arrest.
I stared into Brandon’s eyes, those vibrant aquamarine pools that stole my breath every time. This man, this generous, cocky, sexy-as-sin man. Yesterday, he’d told me I was his weakness, and perhaps I’d thought he was mine. But the truth was, he gave me strength I’d never known I had. It was still there, the fear of what might come tomorrow and of history repeating itself, only it wasn’t strong enough to stop me anymore.
I lunged for him, clasping his jaw between my palms and relishing the roughness of his stubble against my skin. And then I kissed him. Hard, heated, urgent. He wasted no time responding. His lips moved with as much desperation as my own.
Brandon’s arms went around me as he deepened the kiss. God, I’d missed him. He moaned against my lips, then placed both hands on my shoulders and pulled back. He breathed heavily as he stared deep into my eyes. “Sage, are you sure you want this?”
I’d given him good reason to doubt my intentions. “I’m sure.”
“But last time—”
“Jesus, Brandon. Don’t make me beg.”
“Beg?” His sly grin sent a shiver rippling across my skin. “I like the sound of that.” His growl as he picked me up, wrapped my legs around his waist, and carried me toward the bed made my stomach hollow out.
He lowered me to the duvet, and the searing look in his eyes had me burning up. He met me on the bed. The feel of his weight above me had me arching into him.
Brandon braced one elbow beside my head. With a gentleness that surprised me from someone of his strength, he brushed my hair aside before tracing his fingertips along my cheek until he gripped my chin, tender but unyielding. He held my stare. “I’m not interested in playing games. This isn’t a one-night thing for me.” His gaze roamed my face. “I’m all in from here. You’re mine and I’m yours. No hiding, no pretending. We’re together, and the whole world is going to know it because I’m about to fuck you so well you’ll be screaming my name at the top of your lungs. Do you understand?”
He wouldn’t need to remove my panties. I was pretty sure they’d just combusted and their ashes were all that remained.
Brandon ground his hardness against my core, sending shudders through my body. I opened my mouth to answer, but only a small whimpering noise came out.
“You don’t need to say anything,” he said and pressed into me again. “Just nod if you agree.”
I nodded, then licked my dry lips. “I want that, too. All of it.”
“Could you be any more perfect?” He kissed me hard, his tongue parting my lips as he laid claim to them.
And then he was gone, and I might’ve whined again at the sudden loss of his body. He went to his bag, then tossed a long strip of condoms on the nightstand. I lifted one brow.