“I know what happened to him. I knoweverything.”
He…he knew? This whole time he’d known about Kieran? About what had happened to me? Something bitter and acidic swirled in my gut. I thought Brandon had always been honest with me, yet he’d hidden this knowledge the entire time. Why hadn’t he told me?
Why didn’tyoutell him?The voice in my head was an annoying cow. She could shut the fuck up. I had reasons.
But this…this felt like a betrayal. I supposed he saw me as a tragedy.Poor Sage. Her life is such a pathetic mess.Fuck that. I didn’t want his sympathy. I didn’t even deserve it.
“How dare you bring him up.” My voice shook. “And now, of all times.” When he’d just had his mouth on mine and his fingers inside me. “You hacked into my private life? How could you do that?” Chest heaving with fury, I stared at Brandon, unable to believe that moments ago I’d dropped my guard and let him in. What a goddamn fool.
“After Dante and Maxim broke into your apartment and you refused to tell me the whole story, I had to know what your connection was to them. Besides, I’d hardly call it hacking. All it took was a Google search.” He shifted on his feet. “And don’t twist this to make me look like the bad guy. Why didn’t you tell me?” He stabbed his finger into his chest. “Why couldn’t you trust me with that information? I deserved to know the real reason we’re here doing this. I deserved to hear it from you.”
I turned my head, hating that he was right.
He continued. “I’ve told you things no one else knows about me. About my job. About Janie. I’ve been patient. So damn patient, and given you every opportunity to tell me what happened to you. Why couldn’t you give me that?” He clasped his hands behind his head. “Are you”—a pained expression flickered across his features—“are you still in love with him? Is that what it is?”
He’d gone too far. We weren’t having this conversation. I tried to shove past him to the bathroom, but he gripped my shoulders.
“You were only a freshman when he was killed, right? Have you been with anyone since?”
I swiped his hands away. “What does that have to do with anything?” I snapped.
“Just answer the question.”
I snatched my shirt from the floor and yanked it over my head. “I’ve fucked people. Sure.” I didn’t understand why I was being so crass. Probably because I wanted to hurt Brandon. But if my words shocked him, he didn’t let it show.
“Fucked them, okay. But have you had anything real? Anything more than a hookup and a quick release?”
“I don’t need anything more than that.” My jaw ached as I stared him down. “I suppose I should thank you for getting me off. Or is all this bullshit because I didn’t return the favor?”
“Return the favor?” Brandon’s face twisted in disgust. “I did that for you. I didn’t expect anything in return. God, I wouldneverdo that. Don’t cheapen what just happened here. It wasn’t some dirty, meaningless act. It was…” He raked a hand through his hair. “Dammit, Sage, it was fucking incredible feeling you come apart in my arms.”
Something stung inside my chest. It could’ve been a rib cracking, or a small blade piercing my heart. I didn’t even try to contain it. I let the pain radiate to every part of my body. The timely reminder was welcome.
This is what you get, I told myself.You knew better than to let this happen, and you’ve only got yourself to blame. As much as this hurt, it was a mere fraction of the agony that would annihilate me if I allowed Brandon into my life. If I allowed myself to rely on him, to fall for him, to make him my whole world.
And then lose him.
No. Never again.
“Move,” I growled and tried to get past him again.
He folded his arms and blocked the bathroom door. “Not until we sort this out. No more hiding.”
This wasn’t hiding, I wanted to tell him. This wassurviving.
“You think you know everything about me because you read a bunch of news articles?” I shook my head. “You don’t know a goddamn thing. You say I’m brave and smart and worthy. You’re wrong. I’m none of those things. Let me tell you something you won’t learn about me on a search engine. There’s a darkness inside me that can’t be fixed. It’s who I am now. I’m more broken than you’ll ever know.” I held Brandon’s stare. “You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror because you’re messed up, too. You think if you solve all my problems and save me from the men who hurt your sister, it’ll make everything okay? Newsflash. I’m not her. Saving me won’t bring her back.” Each malicious word I spewed only added to the rot poisoning my insides. I wanted Brandon to hate me as much as I hated myself. I’d taken his deepest fears and reshaped them to inflict maximum pain. There was a special place in hell for a loathsome bitch like me.
Brandon recoiled as if I’d slapped him. “You think I don’t know that? Protecting you from Dante was never about making up for what happened to Janie. I’ll have to live with her death for the rest of my life.Nothingwill ever make up for that.”
I glanced out the window, unable to meet his shattered stare.
“Why are you being like this? Dammit, Sage. Look at me!” he yelled, and the directness of his tone had me doing as he instructed. “This isn’t you. I know you’re trying to push me away, and if your intent is to make me as miserable as you, then congratulations, it’s working. But if you actually believe any of what you just said, you’re wrong about all of it.”
I’d never seen Brandon so worked up. Mr. Cool and Calm had well and truly lost his shit.
Way to go, Sage.Further evidence people were better off when they stayed far away from me.
“I see you,” he said. “I see your pain, and I see the walls you put up so no one can get close. You can’t keep living like this. You have to let people in. You have to let them help you.” He shook his head. “Don’t do this. Don’t shut us down before we’ve even had a chance. We’re good together in every way that counts. Tell me this isn’t something more. Tell me I’m wrong and that the chemistry between us isn’t off the fucking charts.”