“Jesus, that’s terrible.”
She rolled her lips together and swallowed hard. “Dad started drinking after that. At least, that’s what Justin told me since I was too little to remember when it started. He blamed us for what happened to Mom. When he was drunk, he’d say all kinds of awful things about how her death was our fault.” She took a long drink from her beer.
I scrubbed a hand down my face. “Fuck, Cam.”
“What about your mom?” She eyed me with caution. “Has she passed too?”
Christ, I should have expected this, but I didn’t want to get into it. “No, she’s alive.”
“Oh?” Her brows pinched. “I thought you said your dad raised you?”
“He did. Since I was seven.” The silence lingered between us. Cam continued to stare as though waiting for something more. Her story was much worse than mine, yet here I was, clamming up over the prospect of talking about my childhood in any detail.
“We can change the subject if you like. I don’t mean to hound you.” She returned to her food, giving me an out, but after sharing her difficult history, it seemed wrong if I didn’t reciprocate.
“No, it’s fine.” Yet my chest tightened as if Ranger sat on it. I put my cutlery down and leaned back in my chair. “My mom’s kind, pretty, and far too good for my dad. She left his ass when I was six and had found another husband by the time I was seven.” I took a long pull on my beer. It didn’t take the edge off.
She winced. “Ouch. Sorry.”
I spun the leather band around my wrist as I considered how to explain the situation. “Her replacement husband’s a pompous dick. We never took to each other. Guess I was too much like my old man. Mom always said every time she looked at me, she’d see Dad staring back. And I think she wanted to forget about him and move on with her life. She didn’t push me away, but when she had kids with the new husband, I felt like an outsider. She didn’t argue when I told her I preferred to stay with Dad. Said it might be for the best since we were so similar.” I chugged the last half of my beer. At this rate, I’d be reaching for the scotch again tonight. “Anyway, I don’t blame her for leaving him. He wasn’t a drunk or violent, but he could be a real asshole.”
“She must’ve been in love with him at some point.”
I snorted. “Love isn’t a requirement for a shotgun wedding. Getting knocked up by my old man was the biggest mistake of her life. Yet another reason she resented him… and maybe me, too.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll give her credit for sticking around as long as she did. With Dad being in the Army, we moved a lot. Social circles are tight on the bases. The guys make friends and the wives form relationships within that group. So, it was hard for Mom to meet new people because Dad was… well… about as sociable as me. And when he wasn’t working, he’d take off hunting or hide away in the workshop to build stuff. Sound like anyone you know?”
One side of Cam’s mouth lifted, but it dropped a moment later. “I can’t imagine how lonely she must’ve felt.”
I nodded. “Being with my old man sucked the life out of her. She was a different person with her new family. Bright, bubbly. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but she made the right choice.”
I wasn’t sure if it was genetic or because he raised me, but I was my dad version 2.0. Us Shepherd men were suited to a solitary life so we didn’t drag anyone down with our loner ways and ornery nature.
Plus, in my case, it would never be safe to be involved with a woman. Loved ones were targets, and it was better to have none than risk being vulnerable in that way. I accepted those conditions a long time ago.