“Do you know how?” I ask as he sits him in the car seat.
“Yeah, I had Daniel take the SUV to the fire station to have the car seat installed correctly and watched a few videos on the buckling part,” he says as he buckles him in easily. “In you go.” I slip in next. I suck in a breath when Jericho leans over and buckles me in. “Got you all in safe and sound.” He smirks, closing the door before he jogs around to the other side to slip in. Once he’s inside, we head toward the zoo.
“Thank you.” I let out a breath. Jericho’s hand comes down on mine, and I realize I’m wringing mine together.
“I didn’t realize my anxiety had gotten so bad about leaving the house.” I turn my head, hating the shame I feel. What kind of mother am I?
“We’ll get you through it. I’m glad I made some calls and shut down the zoo for the rest of the afternoon for just us. Well, us and the staff.”
“You’re being so kind.” I turn back to look at him. I didn’t even know someone could shut down a zoo.
“Fresh start. We can be friends.” I nod.
Friends. I can do that, can't I? Probably not, but what choice do I have?
7
JERICHO
I hadn’t donated seven figures to the zoo for an afternoon of privacy because Sera had anxiety issues. I hadn’t even known she had a fear of leaving the house. I figured she locked herself up on the nursery floor and the rooftop deck to avoid me, not because the outside world scared her.
The grip she has on the shoulder harness of the seatbelt is tight enough that her knuckles are white.
“You been nervous about crowds for a while or is it a new thing?” I ask as we drive north to the zoo.
“Not so new, if I think about it. I never much liked partying, and when Michael fell ill, there wasn’t any reason to leave. I guess it kind of built up inside of me.”
“When’d you first notice it?” I probe. I need to keep her talking, keep her mind off whatever fears she’s cooking up in her head.
“I’m not sure, but whenever someone suggested going to the grocery store or shopping, my throat would kind of close up and my hands would grow clammy. But those sensations faded when I realized I didn’t have to leave the house. Everything can be delivered these days. It’s convenient, but…” She stretches her neck to look at Asher tucked happily in a car seat behind me.
“But you worry about Asher,” I finish for her.
She nods. “He needs to be outside and to make friends and meet people. He can’t be like me.”
“Nothing wrong with you,” I say gruffly. I don’t like her thinking that she’s flawed. Who the hell cares if she doesn’t like crowds? I don’t like busy places either.
When we arrive at the zoo, Sera is tense. Her shoulders are bunched together, and she clings to Asher’s hand hard enough that he whines, “Mommy, you’re hurting me.”
I’m about to swing everyone back into the SUV when she lays her fingers on my arm. “Please, no. Asher is so excited. I’ll make it through.”
The temptation to say to hell with Asher is strong, but he’s three. I’m an asshole, but hopefully not such a gigantic one that I’d be cruel to a toddler. I give her an abrupt nod.
“Ash, let’s get you into one of those animal carts. Which one do you want?” I ask.
“Giraffe.” He runs over to one of the yellow vehicles and climbs in. His enthusiasm puts a small smile on Sera’s face. She really loves him. It’s irritating. I squeeze the back of my neck with frustration at my own jealousy. I’m worked up because she gave her son a smile, but I’d be lying if I didn’t want some of her sun to shine on me.
I slide my fingers through hers. “Stay close,” I order in a voice a lot harsher than I intend.
She doesn’t appear to notice but rather seems grateful for my touch. Today, she’s not cursing me out or trying to avoid me. Instead, I’m a safe haven for her.
It makes me think we should be out in crowded places all the time. Then she’d be forced to depend on me. What a sick bastard I am to play on her phobias like that.
“You look mad,” she murmurs. “We can go home.”
“Asher would murder us in our sleep if we left.”
She releases a half sigh, half laugh. “He’s three. How is that possible?”
“Never underestimate a child, Sera. They have devious minds. He could pour poison in our morning coffee. Suffocate us in a pile of stuffed animals. Things like that. I can’t come up with all the scenarios because I’m not three, but I’m sure they exist.”