I need this. To feel wanted. To be desired by a good man like him, but I can’t stop thinking about Chris and feeling guilty when really, I shouldn’t. The dude was awful to me. Downright terrible. Truthfully, he got what he deserved but what about Calder. He seems so sweet. He deserves something better than me. A girl on the run who may have killed her boyfriend and stolen (accidentally I might add) a shit ton of money and drugs from a bad guy like Flip. A guy so bad he had no problem beating me so severely that I had a miscarriage.
“Wait.” I pull back. “Maybe we should slow down.”
“If that’s what you want.” Hot and sticky his breath clings to me as he talks between peppering kisses along my jaw. It’s not what I want but it would probably be for the best. “Tell me to stop.” His teeth nip at my ear and the words are on the tip of my tongue, but I let out a moan instead. “Because if you don’t, I may break out my cuffs and keep you here all night, doing all the dirty things that raced through my mind when I first saw you tonight in this dress.”
“Calder,” I say his name ready to tell him to stop but I don’t. My pulse is racing, I like Calder. I really do but it’s as if Chris is popping into my head on purpose trying to sabotage me. I keep thinking about how he looked laying in the floor. Unmoving. So...lifeless and here I am with some new guy I hardly know having a great time. I feel guilty, but don’t I deserve a good guy? “Don’t stop.” My voice comes out unsure and he ceases kissing me.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry. I thought I was ready but I’m not. It’s too soon after my breakup. I just. I gotta go.” I pop up from the couch, leaving a bewildered Calder behind as I run out. When I get inside my apartment and the door shuts behind me, I sink down to the floor, holding my head in my hands.
I don’t know what I’m doing or why I just walked out like I did but it’s probably better that I don’t get involved with anyone. Who knows when something might happen or when I will have to pick up and leave? This is only meant to be temporary. I should be able to have casual sex, but I can’t because deep down I know Calder isn’t the kind of guy you have a one-night stand with. And I know that I really don’t know him well enough to make that judgment call, but I have this feeling about him.
That’s why I need to do this and put distance between us. If I don’t, I will only hurt him. That seems to be what I am good at. Hurting people whom I care about.