“I thought the grieving was behind me. I thought this year would be different.”
“I don’t think grief has a timeline,” Paige said, hugging Andi.
Andi hugged her back and then eased away. “We didn’t have a perfect marriage, but we were happy. I was happy. He was my best friend.”
“You were lucky.”
“I know. And with him gone, everything is just . . . empty. I hate living alone. I hate going home to an empty house every day.”
“What are you doing after work? Do you want to get a drink or dinner?”
Andi managed a small, watery smile. “Can I have a raincheck? Because I’ve planned to take flowers to Kevin’s grave site after work. It’s over in Corona del Mar and I imagine there will be traffic—”
“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? Go early?”
“No, I have an inbox full of paperwork to do, and Dr. Nair needs me to coordinate some travel for a January conference. I promised him I’d get it done before I left, but, Paige, I’d love to get drinks sometime. Thank you for that.”
Paige squashed the twinge of guilt that she’d never thought to invite Andi out before. They were both single women, relatively close in age, but Paige was always so busy it hadn’t crossed her mind that others around her might have too much time on their hands. “Let’s plan something soon.”
“I’d enjoy that.” Andi drew a slow, deep breath, scrubbed her face dry, and squared her shoulders. “Better? I don’t want anyone to know I’ve been in here crying.”
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“Good, because my job is to make things easier for everyone, not harder.”
* * *
Paige drove home thinking about Andi, and love, and marriage. She wished she’d had the kind of marriage Andi and Kevin had known, marriage where two people were best friends and treated each other with love and kindness. Respect.
Paige hadn’t felt respected in her marriage. Ted had always come first. His career, his goals, his needs. She and the girls were there to accommodate him, fit around his schedule, yield to his wants and dreams. No one else was as important. No one had the right to make demands on him, or on his time.
Paige thought of her dad and how he’d adored her mom. They’d been childhood sweethearts, too. Well, they’d met when Mom was a senior in high school and Dad was attending the community college. Mom had been working as a waitress at the local diner and Dad had come in with friends for lunch and left with Mom’s number. They had a first date and he’d proposed a year to the day later. Her parents didn’t always see eye to eye but when they’d had disagreements, the disagreements weren’t ugly. Hateful words weren’t said. No one went days without speaking.
What made some marriages work?
Why hadn’t she succeeded in hers?
Paige stopped at her favorite barre studio for the five o’clock class. She arrived later than she liked; the big room was crowded but she found a spot on the barre and slid in. The fifty-minute class challenged her, making her squeeze and burn. Muscles quivering, she returned to her car, glad she’d gone. The focus and discipline had been exactly what she needed after today. Today had been long. It felt like three days rolled into one.
Home, she showered, put on pajamas, and sautéed a small chicken breast with vegetables. Dishing her dinner, she carried her plate to the couch and ate as she watched David Muir’s evening news. David made her feel safe, and she’d always thought he was really good-looking, but it crossed her mind tonight that Jack King was actually more handsome. And every bit as smart. If not smarter.
Her phone rang just as the news ended. It was her oldest. Paige hadn’t talked to her in over a week and was happy to hear her voice. They chatted for a few minutes about Michelle’s weekend, and how she’d had a date with someone she really liked, a man Paige only remembered as being divorced and a single father. Paige had bit her tongue when Michelle told her last month that the man’s divorce had been acrimonious, and that he and his ex-wife only communicated through a family member.
She had to bite her tongue tonight when Michelle shared that her new boyfriend said his ex-wife was self-centered and not very loving, not with him or with the kids. Paige knew there were always two sides to a story, and she knew people didn’t marry to get divorced, but part of her longed to shake Michelle and ask her if this was really the man she wanted to spend time with. He certainly wasn’t the man Paige wanted for her daughter, but Paige didn’t say any of that.
Instead, she introduced the subject of Yellowstone, asking what Michelle thought of her going for a weekend. “I’ve been invited by a colleague,” Paige added. “We’re not dating, so I think it would be weird to go to Yellowstone for the symposium, but I’ve never been, and it sounds intriguing—”
“Is this with the Australian guy?” Michelle interrupted. “The one you were having a mad make-out session with?”
“It wasn’t a mad make-out session,” Paige answered crisply.
“That’s not what Nichole said.”
Warmth rushed to her cheeks. Paige muted the TV. “Tell me you haven’t told Ashley.”
“I haven’t, and Nichole and Ashley had a fight so they’re not talking.”
“Why are they fighting?”
“I think Ashley was upset that Nichole came home and surprised you for your birthday. Ashley felt left out.” Michelle sounded exasperated. “Anyway, I’m staying out of that one. But about Yellowstone. Go.”
“I shouldn’t. We’re colleagues and we teach together—”
“Is that written in your contract? Or are these your rules?”
“My rules, but I’m certain Dr. Keller wouldn’t want us getting too close. We have to think of the university.”
“Next, you’ll be saying you have to think of God and your country. It’s okay to do something for you. It’s time you put yourself first.”
Paige’s stomach did a somersault. “What if I’m supposed to share a room with him? I’m not ready for that.”
“Why are you being a ninny? You’re not a fifteen-year-old virgin. Ask him about the accommodations and then you’ll know.”
“If I ask him, he’ll think I’m interested.”
“Just because you divorced Dad doesn’t mean you’ve taken a vow of celibacy. I never thought it was good that you decided to swear off men. But ultimately, it’s your call. Do what feels right, and, Mom, sorry to cut the call short, but I need to go. Love you tons. You’re the best.”
Hanging up, Paige was even more conflicted than before. If she was this torn, she shouldn’t go.
But she didn’t like that answer. It didn’t sit right with her.
And yet, what was the point of dating at her age? It would be different if she were young and wanted children, or needed another paycheck to help cover the rent. Or, if she really craved sex, but she didn’t. Which was why she was good being single. Happy solo. It didn’t feel like anything was missing, and just because Elizabeth loved being married didn’t mean it was the right thing for every woman.
Paige went to the window over her kitchen sink, looked out at the metal roof over the parking lot. She wished she had a different view from her kitchen window, but at least she had that sliver of ocean from her balcony. It was better to have a little bit of ocean somewhere. She appreciated it. She was lucky to have—
Paige straightened abruptly, temper flaring.