“I don’t know, although I rather doubt it.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “And I should point out I’m not exactly a stranger to her.”
He huffed out a breath. “I didn’t mean to imply—”
“No, you never do mean to insult people. But the insult still hurts.” Before he could try to apologize and instead make matters worse, she hastily added, “Anyway, as it happens, I believe she asked me because she trusted me. But you might wish to talk to her about it yourself if you need answers. And if you want her to stop asking other people. She wanted to know why your father asked you and the doctor not to tell her and your mother about the laudanum.”
“Good God,” he muttered as he turned to roam his study.
“What did you tell your mother and sister when he died?”
“Just what Father asked me to say—that he died of his stomach complaint. He’d had it for a while, and it was getting worse. Of course, I didn’t know Rosy had been listening and knew part of the truth.”
“You see? That’s what happens when you keep your secrets too close. It doesn’t just hold your enemies at bay—it holds your friends and family at arm’s length as well. And without any guidance, they tend to behave unpredictably.”
“Apparently so,” he bit out.
“If you keep insisting on fighting your battles alone, you may very well end up hanged for your trouble.”
He halted in front of her. “I’m just trying to protect my family, for God’s sake.”
“But your family might not want your protection if it means you either throw your life or your financial future away. They care about you. They might just prefer that you tell them what you need of them, so the three of you can act accordingly.”
She tried not to think about the fact that he would prefer not to marry her rather than take the chance that the truth coming out might hurt her.
“So what do you mean to do about Rosy?” she asked. “Would you tell her the truth? Or do you merely intend to demand she marry a peer of your choice so she can be saved from a possible disastrous future?”
He arched an eyebrow. “You know I wouldn’t do that. The whole point of giving her a spectacular début is to make sure she can choose a man worthy of her, one who will protect her if things get ugly.”
“The way my brother-in-law protected my sister when things got ugly with my parents? I thought he was a good man, too, but he may very well have run off to war just to escape the gossip, leaving Eliza to face it all alone. So, what if the saintly husband you wish for Rosy is mortified to find himself married to the daughter of a man who took his own life? Men are unpredictable when it comes to scandal. Eliza’s husband certainly proved that, and your scandal is far worse. It could easily scuttle Rosy’s marriage before it’s begun.”
“I think I know how to choose the right sort of husband for my sister.” He paused. “Not that I would, mind you. But I know enough to prod her to accept the right sort and refuse the wrong.”
“How dare you make decisions for your mother and sister? They have a right to hear the truth about your father, to be prepared for what could happen. You’ve already seen how your servants stand by you. How much more would your mother and sister? Because I am certain—knowing how much they both love you—that they would rather endure scandal and loss of wealth if that was the only way to have you hale and whole with them.”
He looked away. “If I tell them, I’ll be betraying my father and not doing the one thing he asked of me.”
“He had no right to ask!” She clasped his arms. “No one gets to keep making choices for their families from beyond the grave. Even wills can be challenged. But this is final. He chose the darkest path for himself, then left you alone to fight your way out of an impossible situation of his own making.” She reached up to kiss Geoffrey’s cheek. “The only way to win a rigged game, my darling, is to refuse to play. Then forge your own path. Rely on those who love you, those you love and trust yourself, and then muddle through.”
“You don’t understand,” he ground out.
“I do understand. That’s the trouble. I understand very well. It’s the reason I, too, never let anyone close, never considered marriage. Because too many things could go wrong. I might lack passion or my husband be a philanderer like my father. I might not enjoy being the wife of an engineer or a duke or a man from Newcastle and might find myself trapped in an unhappy marriage like my mother.”
She clasped his face with both her hands. “But it seems to me that worrying about every ‘if’ only leads to being alone and unhappy. Life makes us no promises. You and I both know that, which is the very reason we like each other’s company and understand each other so well. Surely that’s the most important thing to have if one means to marry.”
That and true love. But she didn’t dare mention love when she still wasn’t sure how she felt about it, much less how he did.
When he covered her hands, his face reflecting his own uncertainties, she added, “You keep looking for assurances that all will be well if we marry. And Lord knows I’d like the same. But no one gets those. Sometimes we don’t even get to choose our situations. Because if we did you surely wouldn’t have chosen a father who couldn’t bear to live, and I wouldn’t have chosen parents who couldn’t bear to live with each other.” She smiled through her tears. “We would have picked much tidier circumstances, I’m sure.”
“We certainly would have.”
“You have to give people the chance to show you their support. I know in my heart that your sister and mother would be at your side no matter what. Do you believe me when I say it would be the same for me?”
“It’s not a matter of believing. It’s a matter of figuring out what’s best for my family. And for you, too, if you ever give me the chance to look after you.”
“How will you look after me if we don’t marry?”
“We will marry, just not until I’m sure you won’t be marrying a pauper. Unless, of course, you find yourself bearing my child. You have endured enough scandal as it is without that.”
“First of all, it would be our child. Secondly, you’re not making any sense. If I find myself with child, you wish to bring both of us into your difficult situation. But if it’s just me, then no?”