“What are you going on about?”
“Vince thinks you’re the love of his life. The one he let slip away.”
“He doesn’t. Either way I don’t care.”
“You deserved better than I gave. Maybe if I had never come between you, he could’ve given you a better life than me. Maybe he could have given you a kid of your own.”
“You don’t really believe that. I think you had too much to drink tonight.”
“I don’t know, babe. I thought I could be a better man. Be different. Break that family curse, but I’m as bad as my father.”
“You’re not your dad.”
“Cheated on you. I’m cut from that same cloth.”
“Yeah. You did. That doesn’t make you the same though.”
“I don’t know how you can look at me or be in the same room with me. Tried to play it off and act like it wasn’t a big deal, but I fucked you over. Ruined what we had. Made something so god damn beautiful ugly. Gave you to my best friend to fuck. What kind of man does that?” He shakes his head, and I don’t voice my opinion that a desperate man does that. “You want a divorce I’ll sign the papers. You want me out of the picture with Connor, it’ll fucking kill me, but I know I’m not good enough for either of you.”
“Do you even hear yourself right now? What happened to the man who said he’d make it right? You’re drunk.”
“Maybe I am, but that man you want—he looked in the mirror and realized what a piece of shit he is. Looked in the mirror and saw my old man staring back at me. Fucking sucks, babe.”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to give up because shit got a little too hard?”
“I watched my mother chase after my father wishing he’d give a damn. Wishing he’d choose her over the women and the booze. Not once did he ever put her first. I swore I’d never be like him and yet here I am following in his footsteps. So I’m telling you that if you want me gone, I’ll give you that.”
My first instinct shouldn’t be to go to him and wrap my arms around his waist but that’s what I do. As deep as he’s hurt me, I can’t bear to see him beating himself up like this thinking he’s the same scum his father was. Link may be a lot of things, but he is nothing like that trash. “You saying that you’ll do it again?”
Chapter Nine
Pam’s arms circle around me. The heat of her body presses into my skin, and I get a whiff of her hair, breathing in her scent. “I’m saying I want to give you better than my old man gave my mother. Don’t ever want to hurt you, but I did. Can’t change it. Can’t erase it.”
“We can’t go back, but we can go forward. I’m still pissed. Still hurt. Will be for a long time, but as far as wanting you gone, I can’t tell you to go. Do I need you to leave? Maybe, but I don’t want you to. You’re my husband, Brant.”
“You only call me Brant when you’re hella pissed,” he murmurs, stroking his knuckles along my jaw.
“Not always. I thought I made peace with certain things when I said yes to being your Old Lady. That if I didn’t see it or hear about it, I could look the other way. I knew what I was locking myself into. I just never thought I’d see it. I wish the sight of you with her would fade away.”
“Not asking you to look the other way. Don’t expect you to. Never did. I didn’t plan it. I know it’s not you want to hear, but it just happened.”
“I don’t want to hate you.”
The muscle in my jaw ticks. “Then don’t.”
“I know I pushed you away and I’m sorry for that. For ruining what we had and making you think I didn’t want you. Truth is I was fucked in the head over all the shit that went down. Nickel dying. Suddenly getting a son.”
“I know part of you cared about Nickel. I don’t begrudge you that. How could I? I set it in motion. Expected things to go back to normal when all was said and done. Didn’t pay attention to the signs that you were struggling. I shoulda forced everything out in the open.”
“What am I to do with you...with this...with us?”
“Forgive me if its in you to do so. I don’t deserve it and won’t ask, but it’s yours to give.” I sound and feel like a fucking pussy. If Nickel could hear me, he’d give me shit. I miss that bastard. He was one of a kind.
Silence stretches between us.
Pam stares at me, looking right through me. Seeing me for who I am. A cheating bastard. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and tell her she’s not through with me, but it has to be her choice. I won’t force her hand on this even if it kills me not to. Sharing my feelings goes against my nature. I’m a man who takes what he wants consequences be damned. That’s how I landed my woman in the first place. I saw her and wanted her, so I took her. I owe her this though. A chance to walk away free and clear.
“I forgive you, honey.” She grabs me between the legs cupping my manhood. “But if you ever and I mean ever do some stupid shit again I promise you that I’ll cut it off and feed it to you and your whore. Got me?”