“Hmm? In that case, how about you get naked, put on a top hat, and ride around on a unicycle screaming what kind of girls you like?”
“We’re not even talking about the same thing anymore!”
“Hey, I have an
idea, too, Detective Kunikida. How about you dress up like a clown and read—?”
“You stay out of this!”
Argh, the both of them! I’m slowly starting to lose my temper here.
“Dazai! When are you going to start taking work seriously?! Get it together!”
“What? But I always take work seriously.”
I really hope that’s just a bad joke.
“Okay, how about this: Starting real soon, I vow to become a detective you can count on. I will carefully and thoroughly investigate, examine, and reach logical deductions based on evidence. After that, you’ll be so impressed that you’ll immediately allow me to start investigating on my own, and my amazing detective skills will bring a tear to your eye.” Dazai rattles on, trying to persuade me, but his babbling means little to me.
“And how soon is ‘real soon’?”
“Right after we get out of this taxi.”
Oh?
“Is that so?”
“Indeed it is. A suicide enthusiast does not back down on his word… Also, in return, if you don’t mind…”
I knew this was coming.
“What do you want? I’m not giving you a raise or easier work, if that’s what you’re after.”
“Oh, it’s nothing that extravagant. It’s just, well, something piqued my interest a little earlier…”
Dazai steadily gazes in the driver’s direction, his eyes brimming with curiosity.
“…Let me drive.”
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa! I am the wind!!”
“Wai— D-Dazai, stop the car! Stop the car this inst— Aaargh!”
“GAAAAAAH!!”
“Blerrrgh…”
“Ta-daa! Here we are, safe and sound!”
“Never again… I’m never going to let you drive…ever again…!”
Dazai gallantly leaps out of the taxi as the door opens, while I stumble and almost fall on my face. The driver, on the other hand, is passed out in the passenger seat. He’s not getting up until morning, that’s for sure.
“Wait. Are you carsick? C’mon—pull yourself together.”
I get the sudden urge to kill him.