I stare Louis down, demanding him to answer me in the silence, but all I get is a sigh and a shake of his head. Fucking coward. Shoving his way in, Louis sits on the couch near the door and stares up at me, his hands hanging in between his splayed legs, limp, just like him.
It’s a shock to see him like this. Whenever I stalked out the Ravens, Louis held himself with such arrogance, as if he owned the world. Seeing him like this, seemingly a shell of a man wracked with guilt, fills my brain with an incessant buzz of fury.
Where the fuck was he when I needed him the most? And how fucking dare he sit there trying to act like a father when he’s practically a stranger to me. The fact that he gave a damn about Mason, the psychotic freak that wasn’t even his own son, and spared no thought about getting me out of Ryker’s clutches, tinges my vision with red.
“What do you want?” I grind out, needing him out of my space so I can mentally prepare for what’s about to happen at the initiation.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know this isn’t ideal, but -.”
“No,” I shout back, the anger rising to the surface again. “You’ve tied my hands. If I go through with this, I can’t hunt down Micha and the rest of those fucking Ravens.”
He stands, his lips turned down into a fierce frown. I can imagine that a different person would cower beneath the fury of his gaze, but Louis doesn’t scare me. He’d have to do a whole hell of a lot more than frown at me like I’m some errant child.
“You have to put Micha out of your head. Leave it alone. I’ll never even hope for you two to reconcile, but for now, you need to at least abide by the truce set in place by your joining this society.”
“I’ll never rest until he’s dead and the other Ravens flit about in despair at their leader being deposed.”
“Luke,” he thunders, stalking toward me. “Enough. I get that you’re angry. I get that you want everyone in Ashen Springs to suffer, but at some point, you have to fucking let it go.”
I stand there for a moment, tapping my lips with my finger as if deep in thought. “You know what. You’re right. I’ll just let it go. Why didn’t I think of that? It's just so easy. I’ll let all the memories of the last twenty or so years just poof. As if they never happened. Thank you. Thank you so much for that insight.”
“You know what I mean. You’re just being difficult.”
“No,” I correct him, standing up to my full height. “I’m just being pragmatic. If you think I’ll just forget everything, you're living in a fantasy land. You may want to put your past sins aside, but it’s not that easy for me.”
“I know, son,” he sighs, his face sagging for a moment.
The word rankles across my skin, almost as if it’s a living thing. Son. A word that should carry a weight of emotion, but it’s just one more three-letter word for me. A curse, a thing spat out because it doesn’t feel good in the mouth. It’s the parasite that burrows into your body that you don’t realize is there until it’s far too late.
In that brief time, he looks so old and worn down. It’s evident that he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, but it doesn’t stir me. It doesn’t make me want to hold hands with him and sing kumbaya as we start to make up for lost time.
Sneering, I lean back against the wall. “I’m not your fucking son. I’m just a cum trophy mom decided to not abort, and you’re just the seed dealer.”
“I know I can’t make up for everything that happened -.”
“Then stop trying. I don’t know why you want to be my dad all of a sudden. I’m a grown-ass man. According to the law, I can partake in just about any legal vice I want. I don’t need you to come behind me and wipe my ass or kiss my boo-boos.”
Pain lances through my chest as I stare at the man that’s supposed to be my father. Anger, betrayal, and worthlessness all swarm until it nearly chokes me. How much pain could I have avoided if I was never put into the system? True, since Louis is King of Kings, I would have still been fucked up, but probably not quite in the same way.
There’s a chunk of my soul that’s missing, a piece of humanity that was ripped out and stomped on by Ryker. Pretty much every bad thing that happened to me could have been avoided if Louis had just claimed me as his son. I couldn’t give two shits that he “didn’t know.” He knew. Deep down, he had to know. It’s the only thing that kept me going.
If he didn’t know, then all this anger and blustering would have been for nothing. Just because he wasn’t told didn’t mean some part of him didn’t know. The silent agony that poured out of me, crying out to a God that didn’t exist, should have fallen on him as well. There should have been some part of him that felt like things weren’t right and would drive him to tear the earth apart trying to find it, find me.
Yes. It’s irrational. I know myself well enough to know that, but knowing it doesn’t stop the pain. It has to have a conduit, an exit, and right now, Louis is the perfect scapegoat. Rational or not, if he was able to search for Finn and Junior, if he was able to show love and affection to Mason, a bastard that didn’t even sprout from his seed, then he should have known that there was a piece missing. He should have known about me.
It wasn’t about the Order. It wasn’t about being the next heir.
I didn’t give a damn what those Ravens did. Micha could have his sycophants with no interference from me. But maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t want to destroy everything around me just to make it hurt as badly as I do. I might have had a normal-ish life. But no. That was never in the cards for me.
The fact that Louis wants to make things right is just too little too late. The damage is already done. I’m a hollowed-out shell of a man with nothing going for me except my love of track and field. It’s the one thing Ryker managed to help cultivate, the one thing that isn’t dead inside of me.
Tears threaten to prick my eyes, but I force them back. To cry would be to have emotion, a weakness, something that could get me killed. Even in this society where Micha can’t get to me, emotions would still be my downfall.
“If you’re not here to take me to the initiation, then just get the fuck out. Thank you for busting me out of jail and handing me over to Nikolai, by the way. The bastard is just as cold-hearted as Ryker. I felt right at home.”
“I never intended for any of this.”
“Save it. Pour out your false humanity on someone that gives a damn.”
With another shake of his head, he steps back through the door frame. I don’t even wait to watch him walk away. The moment his body clears the door, I slam it behind him.
I don’t need his pity; I don’t need his regret. What I need is to get my head on straight and gear up for this initiation. Though the Order was pretty harsh in their initiations, they were still hampered by rudimentary means. The dean pretty much summed it up when he talked about them throwing sticks and stones.
These Dominants are something else. They’ve trained for this for years. These aren’t high school kids trying to scare new members into submission. These are grown men with weapons of sexual torture.
A shudder wracks my body as I try to picture what they might do. Doubtless, they’d be able to match Ryker in his creativity. If I could withstand him, then I can withstand these guys. It’s just a matter of going to that secret place deep inside that no one can touch.
As long as I can find my haven, I’ll be fine.