“Because you will take the boys back to America and be their mother and you want me to understand?”
My mouth dropped open. Be their mother? I hadn’t been thinking of that at all. I’d taken them home to the apartment on an impulse, wanting only to extract them from immediate danger with no thought to their future. But this story I told Gabriella? Was it as a way to remind myself about what Mama had done for us? Welcomed us into her heart without so much as a thought to her own life? “Mama was only twenty-two when she married Papa. I never thought about it then. I was so little. I thought only of how happy I was to have her, not of what she had to give up.” Had she had dreams she left to wither away? Did she ever look back and wish she’d chosen differently? No. Not Mama. She and Papa were each other’s destiny.
What was my destiny? I’d thought it was Li and our music. I didn’t think so any longer.
“She loved your papa,” Gabriella said in answer to my question. “That was enough.”
“She loved us, too, even separate from him.” What is the quality that makes it possible for a woman to love children not born from her own womb? Did I have it in me?
Why was I thinking about all of this now? Was the answer simple? Confronted with these two homeless innocents, I supposed I’d been reminded of the way Mama had become our mother, regardless of blood. But she’d had Papa. They’d become partners and parents together. I had no one. I was too young. Wasn’t I?
“I don’t know if I can be their mother,” I said to Gabriella. “I’m only twenty. I have no husband. My life at home is busy with my music. I’m out late at night. I spend most of my days at the piano composing or practicing. In addition, I don’t know anything about raising children. I live at my Papa’s house still and probably will for the rest of my life.”
“Why rest of life?”
“I won’t marry. I’ll stay at home and take care of Papa and Mama when they grow old. My younger sisters will marry eventually, and it’ll be only me. Perhaps it’s what I was born to do.” A memory of sitting on Papa’s lap came to me. He’d held me tightly and promised I would always be his princess, no matter how much time passed. When had that been? Perhaps when Addie was born? I’d been only six when she’d come. I could remember the joy I’d felt when I saw her little face for the first time. I was a big sister. I’d felt important and necessary. “I’m the person in my family who looks after the others. That’s my life’s work, perhaps?”
“Music.” Gabriella made a gesture toward her throat. “To make beauty with your throat and your fingers. But also, you will marry Li, no?”
I flushed and pushed aside the tears that knocked on the back of my eyeballs. “No, he doesn’t love me.”
“I do not think you are correct.” Gabriella’s green eyes darkened. The knitting between her brows deepened. “He has passion for you. I see it in his face. Soft when he looks at you.”
I didn’t have the energy just then to explain that it was only brotherly affection Li felt for me. It was the same mistake I’d made myself, taking his affectionate ways as romantic love. Anyway, I had the problem of the boys to figure a way through. What was I to do with them? I couldn’t send them back to their current situation. That was not an option I would consider. I didn’t think I could be their mother, either. I didn’t know enough and didn’t have a home of my own. My best hope was that Papa would allow us to take them in and care for them as if they were members of our family. They could go to school with the other children in our little town. Delphia was around the same age. She would be their friend and show them around. A nagging guilt stopped me, though. Wouldn’t they be happier in their own country where they spoke the language? Louisa had needed a family, and the Linds had adopted her. Could we find a couple like that here in Paris? I asked Gabriella about the possibility of a childless couple who wanted to adopt. “Are there orphanages? A place I could take them where they would be looked after and perhaps adopted?”
“There are orphanages here. Run by nuns.” She shivered. “One of my friends here grew up in one. They are cold, harsh places. I don’t wish the little boys to go there. But it is better than the streets. No one will want them. They’re too old. Everyone wants babies. They tried to take my Lucien from me.” Her lips twitched into a smile at the memory of her little boy. “He had gold curls. Everyone likes that.”
I thought of my brother-in-law Phillip. He’d grown up in an orphanage and longed for a family of his own. A place to belong. People who loved unconditionally, even after terrible mistakes or misjudgments. He had that now, with Jo and their girls and with the rest of us, too. If only Mama and Papa were here, I could ask them what to do. Papa had brought Li and his family back to live with us without a moment’s hesitation. Would he do the same for Bleu and Beaumont?
What had I done? Opened up a mess, surely. Would I do it differently? No. I was a Barnes, and this is what we did. Impulsive or not, I had a duty to these sweet urchins, and I would not leave them to waste away on the street.
I returned my gaze to Gabriella. She remained on the edge of the chair, her tea untouched. Did God intend for me to take her back with us too? Had that been one of the reasons I’d come here? I didn’t know much, but studying with Mr. Basset was not enough reason for the expense and time. Thus far, that was the only thing truly known. The rest remained a mystery.
“Gabriella, do you have anything keeping you here besides the grave of Lucien?”
She studied her hands, red and chapped from her domestic duties. “Not here. Or anywhere. Dimitri is buried somewhere in northern France without a grave, just one of many bodies.” She wiped her eyes. “I would go to America if you would take me.”
“We’ll talk more about it later. It’s a big decision to leave everything you’ve known.”
“America is rich with chances?” Gabriella asked.
“It is, yes,” I said. “We can give you a position at the big house or with one of my siblings. My family will help you all we can. Ultimately, it is hard work and fortitude that will make the most difference.”
“I will think on it.” She tapped her temple. “But I think I would like to go.”
“All right, if that’s what you wish when the time comes, I’ll bring you back with us.”
“The boys too? Will they come too?” Gabriella asked.
I didn’t answer for a moment. A warmth that started from the top of my head, almost as if the ceiling had opened up and shed sunshine onto me, moved into my face and down the rest of me. I didn’t yet know how I would manage to help those boys, only that I would. Just as Papa had done for Li and his family so long ago, I would do the same for Bleu and Beaumont.
“If it is best for them, then they will come with us,” I said.
God would guide me.
I give it all to you, Lord. Allow me to be your vessel.