He met my gaze for a second or two longer than one would expect. “But there’s nothing here, is there? Nothing but friendship?”
I touched my fingers to his shoulder. “Friendship isn’t such a bad thing. One can never have too many friends. Anyway, it’s best not to confuse ourselves with hope of falling in love. It’s not meant to be, is it?”
“I suppose not. Still, I’m at your disposal. However I can be of service, I am here.” He cut another section off his steak and stabbed a slice of potato to go with it but didn’t lift the fork to his mouth. “What about you? Have you loved anyone?”
I glanced out to the street. During this time of the evening, the street was quiet, free of cars and delivery trucks. Across from our building were several more cafés, a bakery storefront, a bookseller closed for the day, and a market with various meats and cheeses displayed in the windows.
“I have loved someone. But it’s hopeless. He doesn’t love me back.” I squished a soft carrot between the tines of my fork.
“Is that one of the reasons you’re here in Paris? Running away from some heartless American bloke who has broken your heart?”
“Partly, yes.” I lifted my gaze to meet his kind eyes and softened, safe to speak the truth without fear of judgment. That was the thing with James West, I decided. He was easy to be with and talk to, perhaps because tension between us did not exist. It might be simply him, though. His unguarded and sincere way of speaking about himself made it possible for others to do as well. “Everyone seems to think that Paris was what I needed. I’m not so sure. Love doesn’t vanish because of a trip overseas.”
“Do you want to tell me about him?” James’s hair rustled in a sudden breeze, causing several strands to catch in his long eyelashes. I’d wondered since meeting him who he reminded me of, and in that moment I knew exactly. He was like my brother Theo, quiet, reticent, deeply intelligent. Perhaps that’s why I felt so comfortable with him?
For the next few minutes, I described how the Wu family had come to live with us as well as Papa’s insistence that all children go to school. “We didn’t think anything was different between us and any of the other children in town. They were our friends. But we didn’t understand what it was like to be Fai and Li—how their differences were always forefront in their minds. I was insensitive and naive not to see how it affected him.”
“The world can be cruel,” James said. “Especially to those who are different.”
I nodded, describing the way Li was attacked outside the club. “I didn’t think anyone in our town would do such a thing. Sadly, I was wrong.”
“And you’re sure he’s aware of your feelings?” James asked.
“I told him, yes. Before I came here and just after he was hurt by those men. It didn’t go well.” I flushed in remembrance of my humiliation. “I don’t know why I assumed he would feel the same way. There are too many differences between us. Our ages and backgrounds make it impossible for us to ever be together.”
“It’s possible that he can’t allow himself to feel any other way,” James said. “We do that, you know. Deny ourselves what we can’t have, as if we had any control either way. We’re born into a set of circumstances and there’s not much we can do to get out of them. He might have felt that even more keenly after being beaten up in a place he’d felt safe. It may have emphasized how hard it would be for you and him if you were to marry.”
I nodded, miserable. “Yes, and he’s right, of course. It’s only that I wish it were all different but even if it was—Li wouldn’t love me. He sees me as a child. Someone to take care of, not love.”
“Those are not mutually exclusive, are they?” James asked softly.
“I don’t know.” I pushed a chunk of chicken around my plate. “I don’t know anything about love, other than my heart feels shattered and I wish I could wake up tomorrow without the heaviness of unrequited love.”
“I’d like that for you too,” James said. “But love doesn’t always behave as it should.”
“In America, we see circumstances as something we can overcome through hard work or cleverness. Love is not one of them. Hard work or cleverness or even how good you are means nothing when it comes to romance. Our hearts choose from an entirely different set of things. One can’t make another love them by sheer will.”
“True,” James said. “It’s not only romantic relationships. My mother and father are abysmal at showing affection. Very English, you know.”
I didn’t know but nodded, as if I did. Parents who withheld affection were as foreign to me as the streets of Paris.
“It might be difficult to believe this, but I think coming to Paris was the right thing. You’re away from everything you’ve known, including Li. Give it a little more time. I think you’ll soon find that your heart has mended. Maybe you’ll find a nice man here to fall in love with. Not me, obviously.”
We laughed together and clasped hands on the top of the table.
“It’s easier to be friends. There’s no possibility of separation.” I ate some of my dinner, forcing myself to take bites, knowing that it was good for me to eat. “There’s something else.”
“What’s that?” James lifted his glass and looked at me as he took a drink of his wine.
“I’ve received a letter from Li. He’s coming to Paris to make sure I’m all right. It’s all my fault.” I explained about my letter telling Li too much about my experiences here. “I shouldn’t have said anything about Mr. Basset. Now he’s leaving everything to come take care of me.” And what had I expected? Knowing Li as I did, what did I think he would do if he thought I was in peril? “I’ve disrupted his life by behaving like a child.” For that matter, when had I ever taken care of myself? I’d been the pet of my entire family. Sweet little Fiona, who needed looking after. Even after my little sisters came, I still remained the youngest of the original five of us. The moment I had trouble, I’d written to Li. No wonder he couldn’t see me as anything but a burden.
“When will he arrive?” James asked, clearly untroubled by my consternation.
“He’ll be here in a few weeks. Right now, he’s on the ship. I’m assuming, anyway.”
“Good, I’d like to get a good look at him.” James grinned before stabbing another bite of steak.
“He’s purely good,” I said. “His only fault is that he doesn’t love me.”
“He must love you a little to come halfway across the world.”
“As a friend, like you. Isn’t it strange, James, the way I can welcome friendship from you and wish it were otherwise with Li?”
“The ways of the heart are mysterious.” His gaze flickered to the setting sun, peeking through the upstairs windows of the building across from us. “Still, I wonder about this visit. It’s quite something to come across the world to ensure your well-being.”
“Wouldn’t you do that for me?” I asked, teasing.
“That’s just the thing. I’m not sure a man would do that for anyone he didn’t have deep feelings for.”
Despite my attempts at the contrary, a trifle of hope arose in me. “Guilt, maybe? Because of my father’s aid all those years ago?”
“He turned down Paris the first time, didn’t he? I think there’s more to Li’s motivations than guilt. But we’ll see, won’t we? I’m going to do a thorough investigation when he arrives.”
I laughed when he wriggled his eyebrows. “Until then, I’m glad to be here with you.”
“Likewise, dear lady.”