I was crying so hard now that I could scarcely breathe. “Is there nothing in your heart for me?”
“I can never allow myself to entertain any such thing. Don’t you see? There are certain things I cannot have. You’re at the top of that list.” His voice cracked. “Please, let this go. It’s what’s best for both of us.”
With that, he rose to his feet and stood with his hands at his side. “I’m sorry you’re hurting, However, this will go away when you’re in Paris. Soon I’ll be a distant memory. I’ll be someone you had a girlish crush on—you’ll laugh at yourself later. We both will. When you come home and we resume playing music together and you’re married to a count or lord or whomever, you’ll know I was right.” He trailed off, obviously unsure what to say next. “Please, Fiona, I’m not worth crying over. I’m nothing.”
“Don’t ever say that again. You’re everything to me.”
“I’d never forgive myself if anything were to happen to you because of me.” He brushed strands of my hair from my damp cheek. “All I want in the world, more than anything else, is for you to have a good life. That would not be possible with me.”
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t care. You’d find the risk worth it.”
“If only things were as simple as that.” Even in the dim light, I could see how his eyes had dulled. He loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. “Do you see this?” His collarbone was bruised an ugly purple. “This is from a man’s boot. They kept kicking me even though I was on the ground, defenseless. Do you understand that if I were to have the audacity to love you I’d put you in danger of the same thing? I cannot live with that. If anyone were to hurt you—I’d rather die.”
“Oh, Li.” Who was I to know what it was like to live in his body, to feel fear wherever I went? “I’m sorry.”
“Go to Paris, Fi. Have the time of your life. Don’t look back for me. There’s no reason to do so. Only misery would come to you. Take it all. Take everything this life has to offer you. No one deserves it more than you.”
My throat ached; I could barely swallow. Hot tears melted into my cheeks. His face swam before me. “I’ll do my best.” I wanted Cym suddenly. She would let me cry for as long as I wanted.
“Goodnight, Fiona. Happy birthday.” Li disappeared into the darkness, his feet crunching the frozen snow until I could no longer hear him. I sat on the steps and wept, sure my heart would break into two right then and there.