I swallowed. The whiskey wanted to come back up. “I’m here to ask for Josephine’s hand in marriage.”
“I see.” Lord Barnes studied me without blinking.
“I understand I might not have been your first choice.”
“Why should I say yes, then?”
“Because I love her like no one’s ever loved a woman. I’ll cherish her and take care of her better than anyone can because of it. I’ll do whatever it takes to provide a good life for her. She gives me something to fight for. I know I may not seem good enough for her.” I cleared my throat. “In fact, I’m not good enough, as you well know. But for some reason she loves me. Just as I am. I’ve come to her with nothing, but it won’t stay that way for long. If all goes well out at the ski area, that is.”
“I have great faith in you and Flynn.”
“You do?
“Without question. Your solution is a good one, as long as you really want to do it. What about your woodworking?”
“That can become a precious hobby,” I said. “Something I can do for our family.”
He narrowed his eyes as he observed me. “I do believe you’re sure.”
“I am, sir.”
“You’ve made all of my children happier by coming to us. Theo is free now to do as he wishes, with the blessing of his brother. You have my permission to marry Josephine.”
“Oh, well, thank you, sir.” My chest expanded with joy and relief. “I’ll do you all proud, I promise.”
“Did you think I would say no?”
“I wasn’t sure.”
“Put your mind at rest,” Lord Barnes said. “I hope this change will be what Theo needs.”
“I hope it will too, sir.”
Lord Barnes was quiet for a moment, sipping from his whiskey glass. “It all goes so bloody fast, young man. One moment, they’re little boys in knickers. Next thing you know, they’re marching off to war. Or marrying a young man with great promise.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“I only hope I’ve given them what they need to make it in life. Not financially but emotionally. My Theo.” He turned away, looking into the fire. A deep sadness came to his eyes. “I worry about him. All the time.”
What could I say that wouldn’t sound trite? I didn’t know how it was to have raised babies into young men. I didn’t even know what it was like to be someone’s beloved child. What would it have been like to have a father like Lord Barnes, championing your every move, loving you without conditions? “Sir, if I may say so, they’ve been lucky to have you as their father.”
“That’s kind of you to say. Sometimes, I wonder. I second-guess every decision, imagining what would have happened if I’d done this or that or the other thing.”
“They’re all good, kind people, sir.”
“Yes, this is true. If this is the measure of a father, then I’ve done well.”
“I’d say so, sir.”
“Those years my boys were away, there was a pressure on my chest all the time. The same question rolled over and over in my mind. Would my precious sons come back to me?” Lord Barnes spoke softly. “For the first year of their lives they slept curled around each other like they must have been in the womb.” He turned toward me, his eyes glassy. “I used to stare at them for minutes at a time, marveling over the miracle of their perfect fingers and toes and almost envious they would always have each other. I felt quite alone at the time. My first wife, you know.”
“Yes, I understand.”
“One day when the twins were about a month old, I found Josephine next to their cradle. She was three at the time—my little angel girl with hair so blond it almost looked silvery and eyes that seemed to have lived a thousand years. She looked up at me and said, ‘Papa, how come I don’t have another one of me? It makes me feel lonesome.’”
“What did you say?” My chest ached at the thought of Jo as a small child.
“I said I understood exactly what she meant. That I, too, envied them. Then I pulled her into my lap and assured her that I loved her very much. She nestled into my chest and, in the way children do, gave me her whole weight. She trusted me with her life. I can still remember the sweet smell of her hair and the weight of her. We sat like that, watching the babies sleep, until she lifted her face to look into my eyes. ‘Papa, I’ll be a good big sister, won’t I? Even though I’m jealous?’ I stifled a laugh at her earnest expression and assured her that she would. She was, of course, loving her brothers when her mother couldn’t.” He shifted so that his torso faced me. “Phillip, there was always something lonely about her. Perhaps because she was the older sister to twins and felt left out. Or because her mother was incapacitated. Her sisters, born three years apart from each other, have always been close, perhaps because they’re opposites. Until Quinn came, Cymbeline and Fiona were more like Jo’s children than her sisters. Even after that, she always had a distant, longing look in her eyes. I’d catch her staring out the window sometimes, as if she were waiting for someone to arrive.