She wasn’t always going to be there with me. Practically speaking, I couldn’t always rely on the fact that I was going to be living with her and could depend on her to help me, transport me, and do all the other things she sometimes insisted on doing.
There would come a time when I was back on my own again, living my own life, and that was exactly what I wanted. I still had so much more ahead of me, and I couldn’t wait to jump in and discover what was waiting for me. I wanted to feel confident again. I needed to feel confident again.
I got into the elevator and rode up to the fourth floor. Navigating the wheelchair out of the elevator into the narrow hallway was tricky, and the doors closed on me more than once before I figured out the exact right angle to move so that I could get over the bumpy threshold and moving in the right direction toward the room. Once I got to the room, I tried the key card, and the little light on the panel glowed red rather than green.
I waited a second for the light to go out and then tried again. Again, it turned red. Either the clerk at the front desk had written the wrong number down on the envelope and I was currently attempting to break into someone else’s room, or they hadn’t activated the card correctly.
I reached for my phone and realized it wasn’t in my pocket. I’d taken it out and put it on the center console, then forgotten to grab it when I got out of the car. Now I had two choices ahead of me. I could either play the elevator game again and go to the desk to let them know what was going on, or I could wait for Dee to get upstairs with our luggage.
The thought of just sitting around in the hallway helplessly waiting made my skin crawl, so I headed for the elevator. I was sitting at the desk talking to the clerk when Dee came back inside with the loaded luggage cart. She looked at me questioningly.
“What are you doing down here?” she asked. “I thought you went upstairs.”
“Just doing the grand tour,” I said. “Hitting all the highlights. The lobby. The elevator. The hallway on the fourth floor.”
“Sounds riveting.”
“I’m considering starting a travel blog to chronicle it.”
“Did they get the key figured out?” she asked.
“He’s reactivating it right now.”
As I said this, the clerk reached across the desk with the key card. “Here you go. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. It should work fine now. I’ll need the other one to activate as well.”
Dee handed her card over, and he activated it, then we headed upstairs. Fitting both the luggage cart and the wheelchair into the elevator was a feat, but we managed it and finally got into the room. Dee shut the door and let out a sigh. We both glanced around the room, taking in how sparse it was. The word “utilitarian” sprang to mind. At least the service had been fairly decent. I could live with this. Not happily, but I could live with it.
While I got a bath ready and Dee unpacked, I thought about Gerry. Nashville was a lovely city, one I always enjoyed, and normally I’d have been glad to be there. But right then, I couldn’t bring myself to feel that happiness. I didn’t want to slip through the tourist recommendations or even look through the heavy curtains hanging on the window to check out the view. All I could think about was Gerry.
I was worried about him. Deep inside me, I knew that was ridiculous. He was a grown man who had functioned just fine on his own before I came along. Not to mention, it wasn’t even like we had talked about being in a committed relationship. Yet, there I was, worried about how he was doing back home with me here and how he was going to get through the week.
I knew part of that worry came from what he’d shared with me about his past and how much he struggled with abandonment issues. That it was dangerous in a way to trust anyone.
I wanted to be home with him, or for him to be there with me, but that wasn’t an option. All I could do was focus on what was right in front of me and get through it so that I could move ahead.
A couple days, a few more uncomfortable elevator rides, a clogged bathtub, scratchy sheets, a malfunctioning air conditioner, and multiple doctor’s appointments later, it was finally the day we were leaving Nashville and heading back home. It was such a relief to get the last bag into the car and go around to climb inside.