Glossing over the gory details of the crash and the frustrating ones of the lawsuit and settlement, I moved on to the little things. The challenges that daily life gave me that most people didn’t think about. The phantom pains where it seemed like the toes on a foot that didn’t exist anymore tingled and ached. The occasional times where I would wake up from a nap or sleep and try to put the leg down off the end of the bed that wasn’t there, tumbling down to the floor with a thump.
I talked about the good things, about how I found resilience in myself that I never knew I had. I also talked about how my sister cared for me and gave me enough rope to be independent at the same time. The pain and the frustration, along with several little wins, came spilling out into the camera, and I felt it very cathartic.
I had only casually mentioned that I was going to do videos to Dee and Wendy. When Dee asked about it the other day, I downplayed it, saying I was focusing more on editing, jobs that I could take freelance and do at home. It wasn’t untrue—I was actively looking for things I could edit quickly to turn for cash, but I wanted to keep the vlogs as my own thing for a little bit.
I knew Dee would try to help, sharing the video far and wide, but for now it was just my thing, and I liked it. It meant I had somewhere I could vent and discuss my issues daily and not have to worry about judgment.
Eventually, I would tell them all about it. Dee might be hurt that I didn’t include her from the beginning, but that was a risk I’d have to take. Dee helped me so much on a regular basis that she inadvertently found herself in the middle of my business constantly. No matter what I was doing, she was in the middle of it, either wanting to talk to me about it or giving me unsolicited advice.
It was her way of being sisterly, I knew, but she had no idea that sometimes she was butting into things I would have rather kept for myself to figure out. I appreciated her more than she would ever know. And I loved her with my entire heart, but I needed her to back off and let me figure it out for myself.
Deciding to make at least one post every day and not try to get everything out at once, I elected not to follow up on that post and just publish it. The next day, I followed it up with one that explained a bit more about who I was and how the accident happened. This one was rough.
It took multiple attempts to get through it without bawling. I hadn’t really talked about the accident much since the last interview with the lawyer, and I thought that the time and distance from the event would give me a better handle on it. Instead, it brought up a lot of deep-seated emotions that had been lurking in the background.
Anger, disappointment, despair, all things that I thought I had gotten past, came bubbling up again. As I spoke to the camera, I felt them fill me up like one of those old thermometers running to the maximum temperature and then cooling off as another one came along. Every emotion only seemed stronger than the last, and it took almost all evening to make one video.
When it was finally done, I posted it and then shut my laptop off. It was too much. I just wanted to sleep. Emotionally spent, I crawled into bed and slept for almost twelve hours.
When I woke up, I realized I felt a lot better. The burden that I had been carrying with me felt lighter. I had told my story again, and this time to a much wider audience. For a long time, it felt like the whole thing had been weighing on me, getting heavier and heavier every time I thought about it or addressed it in passing without letting my emotions get involved.
During the next video, I talked about these new feelings and noticed when I posted it that I had already gained a few followers. Being open and honest had gotten some attention, and the hashtags I typed in helped me reach some of the community. There wasn’t much engagement yet, but that would come with time. I just needed to keep going.
For days, I would record a video, edit it, and then post it without checking the follower count or anything. Comments would pop up on the app, and I would respond to them almost immediately, but I tried not to pay attention to how many views they were getting.