“It’s not just a view,” she said, taking my hand and leading me up the rest of the way up till I was grinning wide because suddenly the woods opened up and there was open sky above us and a waterfall ahead.
It was a little hidden oasis surrounded my trees, with more than a few big, flat stones the perfect height above the open water.
Including the thirty-odd-foot one we were standing on now.
“Like I said, it’s not just a view, it’s a cliff,” Holland smirked as we stood together a few feet from the edge. “And what you’re going to do is jump off… and I don’t mean that you have to backflip like you used to,” she laughed, making me great into a big grin. “But you have to just jump so you can feel the thrill and know it’s okay. That you can do the things you want and have the things you love. And you’re still going to be the same person after. You’re still going to be as good and perfect as you’ve always been.”
I had to breathe out disbelief. Complete awe of her.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Holland,” I said genuinely, making her lips curve up.
“I do,” she said.
I smiled. “What?”
“You gave me the fighting chance to be happy,” she said.
And when I frowned in confusion at her, she looked briefly down at our joined hands before looking back up at me.
“It wasn’t as easy as you think,” she said. “Getting past all the things that happened to me in high school. I know it seems like I can be all rainbows and sunshine sometimes with my gratitude journals and my vision boards and my breathing exercises,” she laughed softly, so fucking beautiful when she smiled. “But all that happened way later, Iain. And none of it would have even had a chance to work if I went through with it.”
A knot formed in my throat as I squeezed her hands.
“Went through with what?” I frowned.
She took in a deep breath, taking a second to squint down at the sun reflecting over the water
“It might sound stupid, because I was a teenager,” she started quietly. “But I really felt like I was suffering for awhile. There was a period where it hurt too much. I lost all my friends overnight. I had to watch them parade around the halls without me. I sat alone for everything. Teachers, even the principal hated me. The way I looked at my mom was the way everyone looked at me. No one would go near me. I wasn’t invited anywhere. I’d known Kelsey and her family since I was six years old and she wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I tried to say hi to her mom at school and she looked away. Everywhere I went, I had to wear my mom’s shame, and I knew my mom wasn’t going to let me dorm at college, so it felt like there was no end in sight. I felt like I was suffocating.”
My heart hammered in my chest as I squeezed her hands tight. “What did you do?” I asked.
“I didn’t even know I started thinking about it. I didn’t realize. I knew I was sad, but I thought I was Googling things out of morbid curiosity. Maybe because I heard a story on the news. I didn’t think I’d ever do anything myself.”
My heart rioted inside me as I thought of Holland when she was that age.
Hurting alone. Hurting that much.
It made me want so badly to go back in time and find her. To wrap my arms around her the way I was doing right now.
“I think I’d spent probably months hoarding pills from my Grandma’s purse. I’d just take a
few every time she came over. Which was messed up because she loved me and she used to try to defend me,” she said into my chest, her hand curled next to her lips as I held her tight against me. “You and Adam just started working at Engelman. You were too busy to come home that winter. I hadn’t seen you in three months, and June felt like forever away, so I just… picked a day to do it. And that was it. But then you called.
“You called to talk to my dad first. But then he handed his phone to me without my mom knowing. You asked me if you could try to fly me out to L.A to celebrate Adam’s birthday.” She laughed at the memory, nestling her head against my chest. “And I said that would never happen. Right away. I think I asked you what you were thinking too, which might’ve been the meanest I ever was to you. And you laughed and you said it was worth a shot, because it would be a great surprise for Adam. You said he was upset he didn’t get to see me for Christmas. And then you asked me about school. And then we hung up.”
My words would barely come out when I tried to speak.
“I remember,” I whispered.
I just didn’t know what it had meant.
“It was the first time you and I spoke on the phone. The first time I ever pictured myself on a plane. Or being in L.A. I visualized palm trees. Venice Beach. All that jazz. You said ‘we’ll try next year’ and it made me think about next year. It made me think that there might be things ahead of me. Others firsts to look forward to. Which is why I still write all my firsts down in my gratitude journal,” she said, looking up at me with a little grin. “I know it was nothing on your end but it was everything to me. And it wouldn’t have been if you were just some random friend of Adam’s who called. It was because you were you. Because I trusted you, and because you meant the world to me.”
Surrounded by water, standing over the edge, I brought her face close to mine, kissing her softly, letting my forehead rest gently on hers as she spoke again.
“I don’t think you realize that I’ve loved you since I was a little girl,” she whispered right against my lips, making my heart swell so full I thought it could it burst. “And it wasn’t just the crush, Iain, it was because you were my one saving grace. You were the best person I knew. Even before I fell into my dark place. Even before you pulled me out. You were always there for me. Like no one else ever was. And it hurt when you left, but I never stopped being grateful for what you did for me. So do you believe me now?”
I looked at her. “Believe what?” I murmured.