Several moments, actually. My heart pounded like it had grown ten sizes, and I could almost feel how rocked Julian had been standing next to his bike all those years ago, in a different state, helpless and broken by the news. I had no idea how he could even go on talking, but he did. His voice was mostly steady, but his grip choked the wheel as he steered and explained everything.
His dad had passed that very night, and by the next, his heartbroken grandfather left them as well. And of course, the Hoults were in shambles – at least Julian’s grandma, mom and brother were.
The real estate wound up going to his vile aunt, uncle and cousins. His mother obviously didn’t care. She had never wanted it in the first place. And now, all she wanted was her husband who was suddenly gone.
Apparently, she took her grief out on her son.
“She’s apologized profusely since, but she blamed me then. She said I drove my father to that point. And I did. You can’t deny that,” he said, knowing well I was about to try. “You really can’t,” he repeated with the most faintly detectable tremor in his voice. “I shocked him, and I angered him so badly it killed him. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. We just left off. It still feels like we’re up in the air, and wherever he is, he’s always wishing he could say something to me.”
My heart was completely broken for him. I could tell from the way he cleared his throat that he was choked up, and more than anything, I wanted to just crawl into his lap and give him the biggest hug, but he was still driving. I took a moment to sort through my fractured jumble of thoughts.
“You have to know he’s proud of you, Julian,” I murmured. “How could he be anything but that? You put his early business lessons to work, you founded your company – you even followed through on your grandfather’s promise to buy the New York Empires. That’s crazy, Julian. You and the people around you might be used to your success and achievements at this point, but as an outside party, let me tell you that I am constantly in awe of you. You are unstoppable, and considering the unreal accomplishments you’ve had so far, I can’t imagine a greater honor than being the motivation for your success, the way your family is.”
Julian said nothing but squeezed my hand hard, rubbing his thumb over my palm.
“You told me yesterday to stop blaming myself and trying to repent for the past,” I pointed out gently, “so I’m telling you now to allow the same for yourself. A part of you has to know you deserve it. You gave your grandmother the opportunity to be Rosie The Reaper to a bunch of big pro ballers. Your grandfather is definitely somewhere laughing with your dad about that,” I said, a little smile touching my lips as I watched Julian grin.
“They’re definitely pleased about that.”
“Exactly.”
Julian smiled for a bit, and I let myself enjoy it. But I knew there was more.
“My guilt doesn’t end there,” he finally broke the silence. I took in a deep breath.
“What else happened?”
“I was estranged for years from my mother and Emmett.”
I raised my eyebrows. Judging from his relationship with Emmett now, it was hard to believe that Julian was ever anything but close to him. But evidently, there was a period where they had gone years without speaking.
“I went home for my father and grandfather’s funerals, but I moved overseas shortly after. Just weeks after. There was a sudden wall between me and the rest of my family. My mom couldn’t look at me. She didn’t want to. Emmett claimed it was because I reminded her too much of our father, and not because she blamed me for his death, but I knew that was a lie. So, I moved to Stockholm.”
“Stockholm? As in Sweden?” I said with surprise.
“Yes. People don’t associate the city with being the tech hub it is, but it was there that I wound up starting the company that would become Hoult Communications. It was Hoult Media at the time, and it offered mobile content like news, sports scores, et cetera. Once we developed a mobile payment technology, the company surpassed a billion dollars in value. I was twenty-seven when I sold it.”
“Holy shit.” I let it all process for a bit as the boat slowed significantly, humming along the water now. “So you spent four years away from your family,” I murmured. My mom was exhausting, and my dad was a lot of talking to handle at a time, but I couldn’t imagine going even a year without seeing them.
“It wasn’t easy. But as time went on, the wall between us just got higher and higher. More and more miscommunications built up. My mother can be incredibly proud and hard headed, and when I asked if I could send her money, she took it as a slight. She thought I was trying to buy her forgiveness for abandoning them when this entire time, I swore she was the one who abandoned me. I was so angry for so long, and I missed my dad. A lot. I had always grown up telling myself I would be exactly like him, so with my mother and my relationship on the rocks, and Emmett just doing whatever he could to keep her afloat, I filled the void with a woman I worked with. Elizabet. Or Liz.”
“I’m going to guess she’s French.”
“Yes. She was something of an assistant to me at Hoult Media.”
“You were in love with her?” I asked, doing my best to sound casual despite how fast my heart was beating.
“I thought I was. In reality, I just wanted to replace the family I lost, and I was hasty. I picked someone I thought was important to me because I conflated her significance to me with the success of my company. She was in the office every day watching me grow it from a startup, and my perception of her was skewed thanks to that. After we split for good, I made a rule for myself.”
“Zero tolerance. Never sleep with or date an employee,” I recited so dryly Julian looked at me with a laugh.
“Yes.”
“Split for good?” I recalled what he said. “What caused the final split?”
From Julian’s pause and the way he drew a palm over his jaw, I knew we’d reached another painful peak in his story.
“Liz said for a long time, it was easy to pretend I loved her the way she loved me. But then Lucie came along, and she saw what real love looked like in my eyes.”