“You got it. Hey, Sara.”
I turned around to see Turner looking at me, his head starting to bob the way it did before a drunken night turned into a blackout.
“What’s the ‘F’ stand for?” he asked.
I felt Julian pull me slightly closer. I knew he didn’t understand the question, but somehow he knew it shook me. My hands were shaking, and whatever face I was making, Turner looked thoroughly satisfied.
“Goodnight, Turner,” I finally. “Drink lots of water tonight.”
He responded with a big laugh.
“Ain’t my first rodeo, love.”
I sat on the stone sink in the locker room, my back facing the mirror.
I was still able to hear the Roths and the girls outside, laughing and splashing in the pool. Either more girls had joined, or the same ones were getting drunker and louder. Their sounds weren’t particularly pleasant, but I concentrated on them to distract myself from the pit of dread building in my stomach.
My heart was pounding, and I was paranoid that each breath I sucked in was getting shorter. But I knew what this was, so I tried talking myself down from it.
You’re not dying.
You’re okay.
Just breathe.
I needed this to fade fast, because I had no doubt Julian would somehow find his way in here soon. I didn’t know how he would get in without attracting attention – I just knew he was perfectly capable of doing so.
More importantly, I knew he wanted to.
I felt it in our wordless conversation outside, and in the hesitation he had to let me go before I stalked off to the change in the locker room.
Not that I had started changing.
My hair was almost dry at this point, and my swimsuit as well. But I still sat there mentally walking the tight rope between normal and spiral. I hadn’t chosen a side yet by the time Julian’s low voice sounded before me.
“What did Turner say to you?”
I had heard his footsteps, so I knew his voice was coming. Still, it made my heart thump.
“Not much, actually.” My whisper was shaky in a way that drew him immediately close.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?”
I paced my breathing as I stared ahead at the buttons of his shirt. He was changed again, looking as if we’d never taken that pointless intermission. I closed my eyes as I let him tip my face up toward his. When I opened them, my body tensed.
He was looking at me differently than I’d ever seen.
Instead of looking knowing and at ease, like he could see under my clothes, even my skin, Julian’s gaze was exposed as he watched me now. I’d seen it when he helped me out of the pool. I thought it was just the reflection of water then, but now I knew I saw some glint of emotion. I wasn’t sure what kind, but it was there. It filled my lungs with air and snatched my breath away at the same time.
Not the best time for that sensation.
“I can’t…” I closed my eyes again to phrase this properly. From what I learned, blurting I can’t breathe around people not well-versed with my situation was anything from startling to fucking terrifying, so I looked for better words. “I need a minute.” My words sounded like a small car driving over speed bumps. Pressing his lips into a line, Julian tipped my chin up again.
“You’re having a panic attack.”
“I know.”
“If you’ve had them before, then you know everything is going to be fine. Just breathe,” he murmured, eyeing my fingers on the edge of the counter. I was wiggling them to shake out the numbness, not that that ever helped. “Do you know what triggers these?”