“You sure did, girl. On every surface at his office.”
“Lia.”
“Sorry, sorry. But please, please, Sara, don’t punish me for telling you this by blaming yourself and spiraling into some dark place. I know I’m biased here, but if this is anyone’s fault besides those nasty Perv Bros, it’s Julian’s.”
“Lia, stop – ”
“I’m serious. He chose to hire you when he already had feelings about you – even if they were just minor then, he knew the risks that came with this. He was just cocky that he could stay professional as always. He had no idea what the fuck he was up against with you,” she said, a grin in her voice.
“You’re taking way too much pleasure in this conversation right now.”
“Only because I feel the wheels turning in your brain right now, and it’s giving me this strange best friend ESP,” she said.
“Really. And what am I thinking right now?” I challenged.
“That you need to talk to him in person.”
“Fine.”
“In New York. Right?”
“Yes.” My stomach churned at the thought of going home. The idea alone snapped me out of the five-week daze I’d been in. “But just thinking about it scares me right now. I can’t handle the thought of going there, getting to his office and being told by reception that he has no time for me. Or worse, being told by Julian that he has no time for me.”
Lia sighed.
“Look, Sara. None of this would’ve blown up if Julian didn’t get emotionally invested in you. He could have closed the deal easy if it weren’t for the fact that he fell for you. Do you know how many other times he’s done business by looking the other way when someone got screwed? He’s a ruthless asshole,” Lia said.
“I don’t know where you’re going with this.”
“I’m saying he probably still cares about you. At this point, we both have reason to suspect that this deal fell through because he was in some way defending you. So why are you afraid to just fly home for the weekend and get yourself some real closure?”
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“Because I’ve seen how easily Julian can flip the switch, Lia, and it’s as hurtful as it is scary. He can go from loving one second to completely unrecognizable the next. He acts cold and distant, like he’s never even met you. It’s not something you can forget easily, and I’m afraid to see it again. I’m afraid it’s going to hurt me all over again.”
“Well, you stayed at June Magazine longer than you wanted because you were afraid that no other job would ever take you. Maybe you’ll stay in London longer than you want because you’re afraid of ever coming back to New York.”
“Jesus, Lia,” I said, unsure if I was impressed or pissed over the tough love.
“You know I’m right.”
I clenched my jaw. “I also know you’re doing something sketchy right now. Why are you typing so fast?”
“Searching flights.”
“Ugh.”
“Humor me. Tell me one good thing about Julian. Your favorite memory.”
“Why?”
“Just do it.”
I had floated over to the couch without realizing it. The dishrag was still in my hand. I tossed it aside and sat down so I could think.
There were actually too many good memories to choose from. I wasn’t even sure how we’d made so many in just a span of five weeks. I smiled just thinking about the way he cupped the back of my thighs as he leaned against his bike at that gas station. The sun was setting behind him, and he studied me like he was trying to figure me out. I thought about the nights we spent in bed, when I slept and he sat awake, tenderly stroking his fingers through my hair.
I wasn’t sure why those memories popped up, and I had a feeling Lia wouldn’t quite appreciate them the way I did, so I went with a different story for her – the first lunch he took me out on at the office. She said she was unimpressed with the story and asked for a new one. I rolled my eyes and told her, for the first time, actually, about the night Julian comforted me after the blowup at the fire pit.