Her emotions shine from her eyes like a beacon. Even if she’d never told me before, I’d know she loves me just by looking at her. It makes me feel like a caveman who wants to beat his chest and claim her and also scared as hell.
“You're telling me you love me. I don't know if I have that in me. Not the way you need me to. And you deserve so much better than that.”
Her ex probably had no problem telling her he loved her whether he meant it or not. But I can never lie to Josie even if it means I get to keep her special smiles and love all to myself.
“I’m going to go.”
“Don’t leave mad. I won’t be able to sleep knowing we’re angry with each other.”
“When we started this, I promised I would be careful with you.”
“You have been. I couldn’t imagine a better or more considerate lover than you’ve been. I hate to think of how it would have been if I’d tried to do this with anyone else. You would never hurt me.”
Her faith in me makes my inadequacy all the more obvious.
“Don’t you see? I’m already hurting you.”
“You’re only hurting me if you run away.”
I nod and then pull her into the cradle of my arms. Cuddling with her has become one of my favorite things in a very short time. I didn’t get nearly enough time to enjoy having her warm, curvy body in my arms last time before we were interrupted.
“Go to sleep, sweetheart. I promise I won’t leave until you fall asleep.”
She stretches against me trying to get comfortable. Then she tucks her hand under my stomach and rests her head on my arm. She blinks sleepily a few times, then yawns. Eventually she ends her fight to stay awake and I watch as she sleeps trustingly in my arms.
If someone had told me a few weeks ago that I would be wearing tuxedos and covering my tattoos for a girl, I wouldn’t have believed it. But here I am and I can’t deny that I’d do it all over again if I had to. This entire time I’ve been warning Josie about not equating sex with love but it turns out that she’s not the one in danger.
I was so busy warning her that sex would change things that I never considered that it might change me.
There’s no denying that I have changed. And I kind of like it.
But what happens when she meets someone who fits better into her world? A guy who doesn’t come up with an idea to help others to impress her parents but just because he’s a nice guy?
I can put on a performance but what happens when she pulls back the curtain and discovers it’s all a show?
chapter ten
†
JOSIE
Something hits me in the side and I startle awake. My eyes dart around, trying to figure out what woke me. The dark in the room is broken only by the sliver of moonlight coming in between the curtains. It’s quiet and still. Then I turn over and see Zack.
He didn’t leave.
I watch his chest rise and fall slowly. He must have pulled the sheet over us at some point because all I can see is his naked chest. He’s so beautiful like this and without his usual scowl he looks younger. Unburdened somehow. Kind of like how he looked when we first met. Propping myself up on one arm, I watch him sleep, thrilled with the opportunity to observe him while he’s unaware. No one else gets to see him like this but me. My heart beats a little faster just looking at this face I love so much.
I could look at this every day and never get tired of it.
That gives me an idea. Carefully I climb out of bed, hoping my movements won’t wake him. Our clothes are still scattered all over the floor from our mad scramble to get in bed earlier. My camera is sitting on my desk so I turn it on and then open the curtains slightly to let in more of the moonlight. Zack doesn’t stir as I take pictures of him from every angle. For the first time in years I’m given license to do what I want.
Stare at him.
Through the lens you can see things that you’d otherwise miss. He’s such an interesting puzzle to look at. All hard angles and lines from his cheekbones to the lean muscles in his chest but then he has the most enticing spots that show a hint of vulnerability. The way his hair curls right behind his ears, the long lashes and elegant fingers that I know can work magic on the most sensitive parts of my body.
Just thinking about what he can do with those beautiful fingers sends a warm flush of heat straight between my thighs.
Zack grunts and then one eye opens. His lazy smile is so adorable that I take a picture of that, too.