“Want to talk about it?” she asks.
“Not really. Not right now.”
“Fair enough.”
I love that she knows not to push. We’ve known each other long enough that we both know when something’s not going to happen. I sigh, this really is delicious. I shouldn’t be eating my feelings, but fuck it. I grab another one of the treats.
There’s a commotion near the house, and Ellen and I turn to look. There are some raised voices, including my mothers. Suddenly I hear a shout. “Audrey!”
It’s not my mother’s voice, it’s Christian’s. He pushes his way through the crowd and is coming straight for me. I feel frozen to the spot, and I’m not sure what to do. How did he get here? How did he even know I was here? I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Suddenly, Ellen pats me on the arm. “Audrey, I think you should hear him out.”
I whirl to face her. “This was you?”
She nod., “Yeah, and you have every right to be pissed at me. I’m ready to take that from you. But you should hear him out.”
There’s not time to respond to her because suddenly Christian is in front of me. “Where the hell have you been?” he asks. “You don’t answer my calls or texts for days and then you do just to tell me to fuck off?”
His voice is louder than I want it to be. “Fine,” I say in Ellen’s direction, then to Christian. “I’ll give you five minutes but we’re not going to do this in front of everyone. So follow me.” I lead him deeper into the backyard away from the other guests. “What do you want?” I ask when we get there. I know we’re being watched, but at least we’re not being listened to.
“An explanation. You disappeared.”
I laugh. “I disappeared? Me? You’re the one who left the apartment. Left me sitting there in tears because you won’t answer questions that I have a right to know the answer to. Do you get that, Christian? I’ve never had closure from you. I tell you I want a family, you freak out and go get wasted. Then I make the idiot decision to let you back into my life and you won’t even give me a reason for why you did it. If this is fine with you, and what you want our relationship to be, I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough. So right here, right now, you give me some answers. Or get the hell out.” I’m breathing hard when I finish, but the fresh anger has given me strength, and I finally feel empowered. Those have words have been lodged inside me for a long time and it’s such a relief that they’re out. But there’s more. “I don’t need you to get me pregnant. I’m with a clinic now. You don’t deserve to be the father of my child.”
“Oh, then why did let me fuck you in the first place?”
I go pink, hoping no one heard him say that. “Because I hoped you would be. But it’s not enough. If you can’t give me the one thing I need, then you can’t be a part of my life, let alone the father of a baby that you would never want to see.”
Christian just looks at me, and I shake my head. “Silence isn’t good enough anymore,” I say, turning to walk away.
He catches my wrist before I can leave. “Not silence,” he says, “just trying to figure out the right words.”
“Any words will do, Christian. Start talking.”
I can see his jaw clench, like he’s gritting his teeth. “You think you have it all figured out,” he says, “but you don’t. You have no idea what I went through when we broke up. I was devastated. I honestly wasn’t sure if I would ever recover.”
I go still. “Then why didn’t you try to talk to me? Tell me something? Anything?” After I left I heard nothing from Christian until the day I walked into that apartment and found out my mystery man was him.
“I tried!” he explodes. “I came here. I called. I did everything I could, and I was told every time that you didn’t want to talk to me. That you didn’t want to see me ever again.” I glance toward the rest of the party and my mother, and realize what happened. “So after a while I gave up. I tried to move on. Audrey, I’m sorry for what I did. It was a stupid reaction. That night, I had been laid off. I had lost my job and I didn’t know how to tell you. And then there you were, perfect and telling me that you wanted a family with me. I never wanted anything so badly, but I was terrified. I didn’t even know how I was going to be able to pay the rent, let alone afford a baby or a wedding or a ring.”