7
Damon
Today, October 29,will always hold meaning in my heart. It’s the day I lost my wife and I take it off every year. It normally has me stuck on the couch for the first few hours, remembering all the great times, and then mourning her loss all over again.
“Good morning.” Emily runs out of the bedroom.
“Morning, sweetie.”
I’m not as chipper as I normally am, and I think she can tell. Instead of asking me what’s wrong, she crawls up on the couch and hugs me. How can anyone be depressed with her around?
Tessa is in the kitchen making breakfast and hasn’t asked either. Probably for the best. It’s going to be a long, hard day for me.
“Breakfast is ready.”
Sitting down at the table, I am not in a lively mood. I try not to show it too much because I don’t want them to worry.
“So, you’re off today, huh? Got any plans?”
Well, I guess that cat's out of the bag. Lying isn’t an option. “It’s the anniversary of Carol’s death.”
Silence takes over the room, and everyone eats without speaking a word. I didn’t mean to make them feel uncomfortable.
“If you’ll excuse me.”
I make my way to the bedroom to get dressed so I can run my errands before going to visit her.
“I’ll see you guys later. Have a good day at school, Em.”
As I get into my car, my chest begins to tighten, old memories of Carol and me seeping into my brain. How we met. Our wedding and honeymoon. Some of the happiest memories I had with her were by my side. Why did she have to be taken from me so early in life? We were supposed to grow old together, raise our kids, and then spoil our grandbabies. Except none of that happened because cancer decided to take her so young.
I back out of my driveway and head to my first stop, Paul’s Bakery. They know me pretty well there, as I used to go there every Sunday and get a blueberry scone and surprise her for breakfast, but now I get it to take with me. Next, Stella’s Flower Shop for a new arrangement to put on her grave, and they have it ready for me so I don’t have to wait around. Carol was well loved in the community and volunteered her time to many organizations in Grapevine.
The most surreal moment is when I pull up to the cemetery and memories begin to flood my mind, of her funeral, seeing her lowered into the ground, knowing it was the last time I would see her. Tears leave behind streaks on my face as I try to man up and keep it together. Hesitation hits me, like it does every year, whether I should visit or not. Many people say visiting a grave of a loved one only dredges up bad emotions, but to me it’s the one time a year I can converse with her like she’s still here with me. You can do this. I open the car door and shut it behind me, then walk to her grave, placing the box with her favorite scone and the flowers on top.
“I really miss you, darling. Every day.”
I like to think that she can hear me in the afterlife and watches over me. Carol truly was my best friend.
“The pain of losing someone you love never gets easier. Even after these past few years. My heart hurts like someone is squeezing it, trying to rip it out of my chest. What I would do to have you back in my arms... just for a few minutes.”
I take a seat on the grass next to her grave and unravel everything that’s going on in my life.
“This year has been tough. Everything reminds me of you. And every day I wonder what my life would be like if you hadn’t passed. How happy we would be... probably with kids running around the house. Oh, how I wish you were here...”
Sometimes I think about how different my life would be if she were still alive. Would we have had kids? How many? Would we still be happily married? Everything in my mind points to a solid yes, but life sometimes throws you curveballs. I like to think that Carol and I would have beat the odds. Together forever.
“I’ve got someone living with me... a single mom who lost everything... Her daughter, Emily, is the sweetest girl. You would love her. I’m trying to keep my promise to you, but it’s harder than I thought. Having them around has helped with my depression. Having someone to come home to and to share meals with.”
Sharing this wouldn’t upset her because on her deathbed, she told me not to be a recluse and let others into my heart, but it’s harder than she thinks. My feelings are growing for Tess, but I don’t know what to do with them. It’s like my body wants her so badly, but my mind is screwing me. When we kissed the other night, I saw Carol in my head and it ruined the moment for me.
“I know I promised you I would open my heart, but I don’t think I’m ready. I still love you. With all my heart. How could I fall in love with someone else? Open my heart to someone when you still have it?”
I know she can’t respond, but it feels good to talk to her about it. Let her know I’m still thinking about her.
“I love you, baby. Always have, always will,” I say, walking back to the car.
Things have changed since last year, and I believe Carol already knew that. I like to think she watches over me from up there. So she must know about them and how my heart has expanded since the fiery disaster. When Emily mentioned going to a shelter, I couldn’t let that happen. Those are last resort places, and they had me. No way was I letting them sleep on a cot when I had a perfectly good bedroom for them to occupy until she got back on her feet.