TANA
The cat wiggles once it scents the food, so I set her down on the floor with numb hands, my heart pounding in my ears. Frustration has my thoughts in a jumble—even more so than they usually are. I close my eyes to try to focus. A headache brews in my temples.
“Did you remember?” comes Alec’s breathless voice.
My gaze shoots to his. “No, I don’t remember. You need to accept my memories aren’t going to come back like that.” I snap my fingers. Throwing the paperwork on the dryer next to me, I bite out, “I found this in the closet. Explain it to me, Alec, because unless I’m mistaken, what I’m reading is that I—we—miscarried after the accident. Why didn’t you tell me?” The hurt I feel is so complex it feels like my insides have been scraped raw. “Is it because you think I wouldn’t care? That it wouldn’t matter to me?”
Alec may as well have been made of stone. “Babe, no. That’s not why at all.”
He tries to move closer, but I take a step back. He freezes in place, his eyes hurt and pleading. “Don’t call me that. I’m not your babe. I thought we were going to be honest. Did you want me to remember on my own?”
His hair stands straight up because he constantly runs his hands through it. “I don’t have the perfect answers for you. I should have told you before now, but Tana, I only just got you back. There never seemed to be a right time.”
“Of course there isn’t a right time to tell me something like that.” The maelstrom of emotion coursing through me makes my chest ache. “But if I had to guess, it would have been right away.”
He goes quiet, and he visibly deflates. “You’re right.”
“Then tell me now. Tell me everything right now, Alec, or I walk.”
He gives a stiff, jerky nod and moves to his bedroom, where he takes out the box from the closet where I found the discharge paperwork that had sent my world spinning. Inside the box—which I didn’t notice the first time around—is a strip of ultrasound pictures, a half a dozen pregnancy tests, a stuffed bunny, and a well-worn onesie. These items don’t mean anything to me, but I find my heart clenching at the sight of them.
Alec slumps on the chair, looking forlorn, his posture as though he’s carrying thousand-pound weights. “This was your keepsake box. We’d been trying to have another baby for a few months now. You were so excited when you got the positive test that you took about twenty of them and kept every single one. I was hesitant at first about starting over—that’s why I had been signing up for so many shifts at the time of your accident. We’re doing fine financially, but the thought of adding another kid to the mix made me realize I don’t want to just be doing fine. I want to give my family everything.” He sighs and puts everything back in the box, nudging it in my direction. “You’d been spotting for weeks, and at first, our midwife said it was probably normal. It happens sometimes, but I think you knew something was wrong. I could just tell. You seemed so nervous about this pregnancy, and you never had been before.
“That night, you called me at work to touch base, and everything was fine. We were cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy, even though it also terrified me. Later on, you knew something was wrong because you tried calling me over and over, but I was busy on another call and missed it. You were driving yourself to the ER when you were hit. After that, when you were taken to the hospital, I found out you did miscarry, and the baby was gone. I was afraid I was going to lose you too. It was the worst night of my life, bar none.”
“How far along was I?” I press a hand to my belly, trying to imagine a life growing there. I don’t know what to feel. I should be sad, but it’s clouded by the anger of having something so fundamental kept from me.
“Eleven weeks.” He hands me the ultrasound photos. “These were from eight weeks or so.”
I squint my eyes at the swipes of shadows and white space. If it weren’t for a little arrow pointing to a section with a heart rate strip at the bottom, I wouldn’t have even known what I was looking at. A knot forms in my throat. I’d already lost so much… so much. This, on top of everything else and combined with Alec keeping it from me, has the tears I’ve been holding back spilling over.
“I’m so sorry, Tana. I have no excuse for not telling you other than I selfishly thought I was protecting you. I didn’t want you to think it was your fault or keep you from making any progress in healing.” His head dips. “To be honest, I was also grieving the loss, and it felt like if I said it out loud, it would make it real. Too real. I’d lost the baby, and I didn’t want to lose you too if you found out and decided it was too much for you.” He lets out a ragged breath. “It was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have kept something so important from you. I won’t do it again. I promise you.”
And I can tell he means his words. The conviction in his voice and the certainty in his eyes are undeniable. I close my eyes against the waves of hurt and try to put myself in Alec’s shoes. He would have been facing the possibility of a life as a single dad raising Gemma and Paisley on his own. All without his wife and their future child.
Had he even had time to grieve his loss? For the baby who hadn’t made it and the wife he knew who might never come back?
I didn’t think so. When would he have had the time?
I sit on the bed next to him, our shoulders brushing. “I didn’t think things could get any worse. When I saw the discharge paperwork, it was like I’d been punched in the gut. I guess things can always get worse.”
He lets out a shaky breath. “They can also get better. I still have you. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you.”
“But I—”
“No buts,” Alec says firmly. “I can’t give you back the baby we lost or make your memory better, but I can show you why I’m the man for you. Why I’ve always been the man for you. If you’ll let me.”
My chest aches. “I don’t know if I can be the woman for you, though.”
He puts a hand to my cheek, and for a moment, I think he’s going to kiss me. But he only smooths it over my hair, then down my back. “You’re enough just as you are.” He leans forward and touches his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry for hurting you, for keeping that from you. It won’t happen again. I promise you that. Can you believe me?”
“No more secrets, okay? I need to know everything. Is there anything else you aren’t telling me about the accident? That night?” He starts to shake his head no, then stops. “What is it?” I ask. God, what else could there be?
“The man who crashed into you?”
I furrow my brows. “The drunk driver?”
Alec nods. “He was our next-door neighbor’s son. Leon? You may have met him. Kid was only nineteen. Not even old enough to drink, but he’d been out with some buddies and thought he’d be okay to go home.”
A memory comes back—nothing from before the accident but of the man banging on the door when Alec was at work. I tell him about the interaction with the drunk and his daughter. “Who was that?” I ask.
“Leon. The kid’s father.” Alec curses under his breath. “I’ll talk to him. He shouldn’t be bothering you. He hasn’t been around here any since then, has he?” Alec asks.
“No, just that one time. Is he someone I should be worried about?”
“I’ll talk to him,” he repeats. “I doubt he’ll give you more trouble aside from occasional benders. I can have one of the guys from work drive by when I’m on shift to make sure you’re okay.”
I scoff and roll my eyes at him. “I don’t need a babysitter. I’m sure it’ll be fine. He’s probably just distraught about losing his son like that. It can’t be easy.”
Alec thumbs my lip, his eyes heating as he stares at them. He gives himself a little shake. “That’s no excuse for scaring you like that. Not after what you’ve been through. Let me do this, Tana, or I’ll go crazy. Please.”
I start to argue again, but then I notice his hands are trembling, so I swallow back the words. “Thank you.”
It’s then I notice the dark circles smudged under his eyes which droop with fatigue. The normally clear, bright gray is abnormally dull. He looks so tired. Worn ragged. Had he looked like this the entire time? It hadn’t occurred to me how much strain he must be under. But learning he’d lost a baby and the woman who used to be his wife undoes me and breaks down some of the walls between us. He’s shouldered that burden alone to shield me. A thick, heavy knot rises in my throat, and hot tears sting my eyes and the back of my nose.
When he relaxes a little next to me, I hesitate for a second, then lean close to him and wrap my arms around his big shoulders. He stills with my touch until he realizes I’m hugging him. Then his big arms are wrapping around me in return, enveloping me in his warmth. He tucks my head into his neck, and I sink into his heat.
It feels good to be held—protected—but what I love even more is how he relaxes against me. How his body gravitates closer, trying to be as near to mine as possible. He trembles on a long, deep inhale like he’s been starved of this for so long, and he’ll die without it. My eyes flutter closed. I feel like I’m enjoying someone else’s man and the guilt gnaws at me a little. But he feels too good to let go.
I’m awestruck by how much he clearly cared about his wife and family. He must have loved her—me—so much to have put up with everything that’s happened. I was a lucky woman to have that kind of devotion.
He pulls back reluctantly and tucks my hair behind my ear. “Why don’t we just start over? From the beginning.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t think I’ve been fair trying to push you to get your memories back. It hasn’t been fair keeping such a big secret from you. Hell, I haven’t given you space to figure out what you want, and that’s really the only thing that matters.”
My heart thuds heavily in my chest. “What are you saying?” Is he going to suggest we strip down and get naked again? I mean, I don’t think I’d be mad about it, but…
“I’m just saying, why don’t we go out and do something fun? Something that has nothing to do with your memories or the accident or anything else. I think we both could use some fun time where we don’t have to think too much.”
I smile a little shyly. “Are you asking me on a date, Mr. Dorran?”
And I think I fall a little in love with him when he grins and says, “That depends on if your answer’s yes.”