Eventually I showed her to her new room and put her suitcase on her bed. I looked into her bright green eyes, so full of wonder yet hesitant. Her jet-black hair was cut short back then, and I remember wanting to ask if she’d done it herself, just to make conversation. But the words stuck in my throat again, and I chickened out. Instead, she spoke first, thanking me, and gave me the prettiest smile I’d ever seen. It lit up the dark spare room that we’d never used, and suddenly the bare house we’d been living in became a home.
I lean my head back against the window of my truck and close my eyes, trying to picture those first few years living together. She was thirteen at the time and always wanted to tag along with me, whatever I did. I’d never admit it to her, but I always loved how she wouldn’t leave my side. When we’d walk out to the barn or through the woods, I took every chance I could to hold her hand to keep her from tripping, but I pulled mine away as soon as I could. I was so afraid that she’d be able to tell by my touch what I truly thought.
“Dammit, Jasper,” I say to myself, hating this train of thought.
No matter what I do, it happens every time I see her. One look and I’m propelled back to all the times we spent together…and then my reason for running. For getting out of town as fast as I could and only coming back when I had to. Banging my head against the glass, I try to stop the memories, but it’s no use.
I was nineteen when I finally moved out, unable to take another moment in the house with her. I’d seen her grow from an awkward teenager into a sixteen-year-old with a body of a much older woman. Her curves didn’t belong on a little sister. They belonged in the centerfold of Hustler. The thought of her being seen like that by other men makes me clench my teeth.
My dad calls me home at least once a week, and most of the time I’m able to avoid it. I used to say I was busy with school, but I finished up my certification last month, so I can’t give him those lines anymore.
I wasn’t sure what to do after high school, so I took some classes at the local community college and commuted from home. But after Libby’s sixteenth birthday, I had to get out of there. I was asked about working on large engine machinery for a few of the farms, and the college I went to offered courses on it. They set me up with a job once all my paperwork went through, and now I’m the on-demand mechanic for all the farms in the tri-state area. I never thought I could make this much money at twenty-one years old, but it turns out this shit pays extremely well.
I keep myself busy with work, and that seems to be the only thing that can quiet my mind. But even then, it’s not enough. Thoughts of Libby are always in the back of my mind, and it’s only gotten worse since I moved out.
Today my dad called me and asked me to come have dinner tonight. He said Carol missed me, and that I needed to see Libby. The way he said it made me think there was more to it. Like there was a specific reason I needed to see her. He also told me that we needed to have a man-to-man talk, and I don’t even want to think about what that might mean.
I lean forward, this time putting my forehead on the steering wheel and trying to will myself to leave this parking lot and go to my parents’ house. I was on my way there after I got my dad’s call this morning, but I stopped in town to have a slice of pie before I did. That’s when I saw Libby unloading her baked goods, and I sat here, watching her like a lecher.
There should have been a point in my life when I stopped having feelings for her. I should have gone out and found a woman and fucked this out of my system. But instead I’m a twenty-one-year-old who’s never so much as kissed a woman. I’m embarrassed for my own dick because there’s only one woman he wants, and he won’t be satisfied with anything else. Meanwhile, Libby is probably getting felt up and God knows what else by little fucking pricks who don’t know how to treat a delicate beauty like her. Baby-bitch boys who would touch her like they wanted and not understand that she’s the most precious fucking thing that has ever existed on this goddamn earth.