“Hi.” She felt like a child who had just found her comfort blanket. Suddenly she could breathe again.
“Have you told her?” He had turned to Ruby, a slight frown marring his brow.
“Not yet, I thought we’d better do it down here.”
“Told me what?” Hanna asked, a feeling of apprehension washing over her.
“Mum and Dad want to see you.” Ruby blurted, her eyes darting over to Tom as she realized she had let the cat out of the bag.
“Right now?” Somehow she thought she’d have time before seeing them. She was so unprepared for their reactions to her reappearance in Ruby’s life.
Tom rose from his chair and carefully placed his guitar in the stand. Walking over to the two of them, he put his arms around both girls.
“It’s going to be okay. You had to see them again sometime.”
“But I’m not ready. I don’t know what to say.” Somehow “sorry” didn’t seem to cover it.
“It’s the perfect place to see them again. It’s a party, and you can’t even hear yourself think.”
Hanna stepped backwards and sank down into the overstuffed plaid sofa, her heart racing at the thought of having to explain to Claire why she disappeared from all their lives. From her therapy, she knew it was a necessary step to rebuild her relationships and reopen the dialogue. Now she was baulking, wanting to delay the inevitable. She wasn’t sure she could stand the rejection, or the look of derision she was bound to see in their eyes.
“Do they know I’m here yet?” It had been months since her last panic attack, but she recognized the signals immediately. She needed to get control of her breathing and work on getting the negative thoughts out of her mind. God, why wasn’t she taking the medication anymore?
“I told them you’d be here pretty soon. They’ve already seen Tom—“
“They’re delighted you’re coming, you have nothing to worry about,” Tom added.
“You weren’t the one who left their son.” Hanna pointed out. “Of course they’ll be pleased to see you.”
“We all know you weren’t well, Hanna.” Ruby stroked her hair. When did their roles get so switched? “You weren’t yourself, but you’re better now. Richard doesn’t hold a grudge, and neither do my parents.”
Closing her eyes, she reminded herself nothing was going to hurt her; she was going to be okay. She repeated the mantra her therapist had taught her: my heart is still beating, I am still breathing, I can do this. She inhaled through her nose, then exhaled through her mouth, gradually slowing her intake of air until her heart rate had calmed into a slow, rhythmic pattern.
“I’m okay.” She attempted a reassuring smile. “I haven’t had one of those for a while.”
Ruby looked frightened, worrying her lip with her teeth as she continued to stare at her with wide eyes. “I’ll just tell them to stay away, Hanna. You don’t have to see them.”
Hanna turned in her chair to look at Ruby face on. “I’ll be fine.” Her voice was stronger, and she hoped, reassuring. “I need to see them sometime. After all, we’re almost family.”
She had barely spoken before Ruby threw her arms around Hanna, nuzzling into her neck. “I’m so pleased you’re back for good. I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too.” Hanna found her eyes watering as she hugged her back. “I really did.”
CLAIRE WAS STANDING in the kitchen when Hanna finally found the courage to go and find her. It was like the clock had turned back seven years, and Hanna was seventeen again; unsure of herself and her place in life, feeling inferior compared to the rich Larsen family and their social confidence.
The absence of Richard was like a knife to the gut. Everywhere she looked there were reminders of what she’d had, and what she’d lost. A love so foolishly discarded. More than ever, she wanted to turn the clock back, to be that girl again, the one who joked with the Larsens, and helped her mum out at parties
“Hi.”
Claire turned around, her blank expression transforming into a bright smile as she put her hand on her heart. “Oh, Hanna, I can’t believe you’re here.” Dropping the napkin she held in her hand, she ran around the counter and over to the door, pulling Hanna into an all-encompassing embrace.
Hanna froze at first, surprised at the enthusiasm of Claire’s welcome. A moment later, she hugged her back, burying her head in Claire’s shoulders as she felt the first hot tears emerge from her eyes. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been held, not like this, and it reminded her so starkly of what she’d lost. Not just Diana—although her mother’s death had been devastating enough—but Richard, too.
A moment passed before she lifted her head from Claire’s shoulder, wiping the tears from her cheeks as she did. Claire moved her hands to Hanna’s bare upper arms and stepped backward, looking at her with a sad smile tugging at her lips.
“I’ve missed you so much. Don’t you ever run off again.”
Her reprimand made Hanna smile through the tears. Claire pulled her into the kitchen, pushing the door behind them to give them privacy, and some protection from the loud bass pumping out from the music system.