“How is she?” When he comes closer I can smell the clean scent of his soap and the soft fragrance of his shampoo. He reaches out to stroke Allegra’s matted hair, his expression full of compassion. “Poor kid.”
“She’s been out for a while. It all got too much. The shock, her mum...”
He sits down beside us, lifting her legs onto his lap. The gesture makes me want to cry. Instead I look at him and he stares right back and it feels as if he can see right inside my soul.
“I want to take the two of you home and board up the door. Not let anybody inside.” When he strokes my cheek I have to close my eyes for fear I’m going to lose it.
“I think we might like that. At least for a while.”
He reaches out to squeeze my hand, and a single tear escapes from the corner of my eye, trailing down my cheek. I wipe it away almost angrily. I want to be strong. For Allegra. For me. But Niall’s having none of it.
“It’s okay.” He brushes my cheek. “You can cry, she won’t notice. Even if she wakes it doesn’t matter. You should cry, it’s worth crying about.”
The need to sob thickens my voice. “If I start I don’t think I can stop.” I can’t be the one to break down. When Digby died I barely surfaced for months. This time, though, Allegra needs me. Desperately. There’s no way I can wallow in useless self-pity.
“You know, my ma has all these stupid sayings and I can’t even come up with one right now. But I do know that crying isn’t weak. There’s a strength in showing your emotions. In taking control and letting them out. So don’t hold back on my account.”
My bottom lip starts to tremble. I try to still it with my teeth, but all that does is make my eyes water harder. I go to wipe them with my hand, but he holds on, not letting me pull away. When the tears start to fall he shuffles closer. Allegra’s prone body lies across us both, and he curls his arm around me. My head rests on his shoulder, and he strokes my hair when I start to sob. I cry for Daisy, for the futile pain of her death. I cry for Allegra, Niall holding me until I’m all out of tears.
Even then my shoulders shake with dry sobs.
* * *
We’re still huddled together when the duty social worker arrives. I don’t recognise this one, and from her relative youth and maximum unease I get the sense she’s newly qualified. In this case it’s a bad thing, because she’s trying to stick too tightly to the rules.
“I need to take her to the group home and we can assess the case in the morning,” she says when I ask if I can take Allegra home with me. “I can’t allow you to bring her to an unknown house. It’s against our guidelines.”
“Would you say the same if Beth was her aunt?” Niall asks. “This kid has just seen her mother die in front of her eyes and you want to take her away from the one person she knows? What
kind of fucked-up guidelines are these anyway?” He can be scary when he’s angry. The social worker cowers away. I reach out to calm him.
“I’m CRB checked and known to social services. I’m even known to the staff at the home. Can’t you let me take her home for one night?”
She shakes her head and I hear Niall mutter, “Fucking jobsworth.” In another minute I think he might actually explode. I’m so much calmer than him, icy even, because I’m absolutely certain I’m not going to let them separate Allegra from me. Even if I have to handcuff the two of us together, the only person she’s going to be waking up to is me.
“I’ll go with her to the home.” I don’t pose it as a question. “If it will help you sleep tonight I’ll stay there and in the morning we can talk custody. But I’m not leaving her tonight.”
The social worker flails a little, but then nods her head, relieved not to have to fight anymore. Niall bristles next to me, staring at her with a sullen expression. I want to stay here, in our little bubble of three because no matter how tortured and painful Allegra’s sleep is, it’s nothing compared to the pain she’ll face when she wakes up.
When she remembers her mum is dead.
In the end we get to the group home just after three in the morning. The night worker shuffles to the front door, opening it to reveal her Winnie the Pooh onesie tight against her body. Yawning, she shows us to an empty room. Niall walks in behind us, carrying Allegra in his arms, a tender expression on his face. He lays her down on the made-up single bed and pulls me into an embrace.
“Call me in the morning, okay? Let me know how she’s doing.” On the way over here we made hushed plans in the back seat, and agreed that I’d take the lead. Trying to present ourselves as some kind of viable couple when we’ve only just reconnected would be crazy.
Not to mention the fact I’m still married.
“I will.” My voice wobbles. No matter how determined I am, the future seems daunting. He cups my face with warm hands. I’m barely breathing when he brushes his lips against mine. I cling to the back of his shirt for a moment too long because I’m so scared this may be the last time we are together.
“If you need me I’ll be here. Remember that.” Another peck and he pulls away.
When he walks out of the door, the only thing stopping me from running after him is Allegra. Her tiny body is curled up on the bed, her One Direction t-shirt twisted around her waist. She sleeps fitfully, her body occasionally shuddering at some invisible monster haunting her dreams. I walk over to the ramshackle armchair in the corner of the room and pull it toward her bed as if I’m visiting her in hospital. Though it’s late at night there’s no possibility of me falling asleep. There’s so much to think about.
This morning I was a woman on the way to divorce, trying to juggle a burgeoning relationship with a desperately fading one. Living in a single bedroom in an insalubrious part of town. But now... now everything changes. It’s as if the world is twisting on its axis, shifting to the left until all I can do is cling on with weak fingernails, my legs flailing behind me as I try to find a footing.
As for Niall, I don’t even know where he fits in to all this. It was complicated enough as it was, with our shared history and our rocky start. That’s nothing compared to this new addition. I don’t even know how he feels about kids, let alone whether he would want to be involved in Allegra’s life. It’s not the sort of conversation I considered having with him in between kisses and dry humps.
As Alex would say, “Shit’s just got serious.”