They broke the kiss and she tipped her head to the side, a concerned look on her face. ‘What made you think I would?’
‘Because my mom stayed with my dad even though he treated her like dirt.’
‘Is that what you were trying to tell me earlier? That your reaction had something to do with your parents?’
A lump formed in his throat. ‘Yeah.’ He’d promised to tell her about it later, and he guessed now was as good a time as any. ‘I told you about my folks, didn’t I? The way they fought all the time. And my old man, how he used to run her down constantly, right in front of me.’ He tried to push the memories out of his mind, but they were insistent. Fleeting images of his father’s derision as he lashed out again and again. His accusations that his wife was flirting too much, that her dress was too short, that her smile was too wide. Anything she did was like throwing fuel onto an already burning fire, and it exploded inside his father like a nuclear bomb.
‘How often did he treat her like that?’ Juliet asked.
He shrugged. ‘It felt constant. I can’t remember a time when he didn’t criticise her for something.’
‘But she never tried to leave?’
Ryan squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then opened them again. The brightness rushed in, displacing the unwanted memories. ‘I think she was too scared. Or brainwashed, maybe. She’d tell me that it was okay, that it was her fault he got so angry. That it was just how marriages were. And I believed her. When you’re a kid you don’t know any better. You just want to be with your mom and dad, no matter how messed up they are.’
He was clutching the sheet with his fisted hands. His whole body felt tense and achy. ‘And then when I was eighteen my grandfather died. By that point I’d been formulating an escape plan for years. I’d go to college, get a good job, and save up enough to buy somewhere that she could escape to. Anything so she didn’t have to stay with my dad any more. When I got my inheritance, I didn’t have to wait until I graduated.’
She was still lying on him, her face screwed up with concern. ‘Oh Ryan … ’
‘The money was left in trust, but I could apply to have access to funds. I spoke to my lawyer, requested enough money to buy a small place in Annapolis. It was a new build, didn’t need any work. Close enough to Shaw Haven, but still far enough to put some distance between them. What I didn’t know was that my lawyer had decided my dad should be aware of what was happening. And as soon as I paid for that goddamned place, he called him up and spilled his guts.’
It was as though he was reliving that moment. The kid who thought he could save the world.
‘By that point, I was at home, telling my mom that she had the chance to be free at last. I told her to pack a couple of cases and we’d come back for the rest once she was settled in.’ He looked at Juliet, and saw his pain reflected back at him. ‘London, I really believed she’d come with me. I honestly thought it was that easy. All my life I’d waited for that moment, that time when I could save her from him. And when I asked her to come with me, she turned around and told me not to be so stupid. That she’d never leave my dad.’
Juliet blinked back her tears. ‘So what happened next?’
He swallowed hard. ‘I was still trying to reason with her when my dad came home. And as soon as Dad walked in, he wanted to know what the hell I was doing buying an apartment in Annapolis without running it by him first.’ He licked his lips – dry from talking so much. ‘I told him exactly why I bought the apartment, and that Mom would be moving in there to get away from him. I told him he’d lose everything he ever loved, that I’d make sure of it.’
‘And then?’ Her voice was filled with trepidation.
‘Then he started laughing. As though I’d told some goddamned hilarious joke. He told me to go to my room, and to stop being such a little kid. And I looked at Mom, asked her to leave with me. But she wouldn’t even look at me, London. She just turned away.’
She felt as if her heart was breaking for the young man he’d once been.
‘And I realised something that night. That you can be surrounded by family and still be all alone. My parents used to go on about my heritage, about the Shaws and Sutherlands that built up this town, but every day they were tearing each other apart. It was killing me.’ He rubbed the palms of his hand against his eyes. ‘I couldn’t save her. She wouldn’t let me.’
A tear rolled down Juliet’s face. ‘It wasn’t your job to save her, Ryan. It was her job to save you. She’s your mom, she should never have let you go through that. You were just a kid.’
‘The only time I heard from this place was when I got my dividends. All that time I was away and they didn’t try to talk to me. It was like they were pleased I had gone.’
Gently, she stroked his cheek. ‘They’re bastards, all of them. They don’t deserve you. No wonder you were so triggered after you hit Thomas. You must have thought I was the same as the rest of them.’
‘But you weren’t,’ he said. ‘Because you never rejected me. I just didn’t wait around to hear how you felt.’
‘That’s understandable, too,’ she told him. ‘Why would you? You thought I’d gone back to Thomas just like your mom went back to your dad. It must have felt like a kick in the gut.’
‘And yet I should have known you wouldn’t do that. You’re not her, you’re nothing like her. You’re good and you’re strong and you always put your kid first. Always.’
‘And so do you. That’s one of the things I love about you.’
‘One of the things?’ he whispered. It felt as though his chest was cracked open, exposing his heart to her in a way it had never been before. She had the ability to save him or condemn him, and feeli
ng this exposed hurt like hell. But he knew he had to do this, if he ever wanted to prove he was worthy of her.
‘One of the many things,’ she told him. ‘You want to hear some more?’
‘Yeah, I want to hear them.’