“Logan, family can be more than blood relations.” Her voice sounded small.
“I get that. I have a lot of close friends here in Boston that I’m giving up, Court. For you. For us. Why can’t you do the same?”
“I knew this would happen. I knew it.” She let out a ragged breath.
“You knew what?” He frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“I knew you’d regret giving up the restaurant business and leaving Boston.”
Logan blinked. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t need to. It feels like because you’re giving things up, you expect me to do the same with the Roberts. Like a tit for tat or something.” Her voice wobbled. “Do you expect me to give up working on the farm, too?”
He gave a nervous laugh. “I was assuming you would. It’ll be impossible to combine that and the baby.”
She was silent for a moment. He could hear the rumble of conversation from the kitchen, alongside the low hum of traffic from the highway. Logan leaned back, raking his hands through his hair. “Court, are you still there?”
“Yeah.” She breathed out. “I was just thinking.”
His stomach tightened. “What about?”
“Maybe you should take a few days to think about this. About selling your interest in the restaurant, and whether you’re really ready to do that. Because it’s a lot to give up, Logan, especially when I can’t agree to give up the people that I love. It’s unequal, and I’m scared you’re going to resent me for it.”
Panic rose up inside him. “You want to break things off?” he asked her. “I can’t believe this.”
“That’s not what I said. I just want you to think about it. Go and enjoy your opening gala, and really think if you want to give this all up. Because I’d hate for you to do it and regret it one day. You can still be a dad if you stay in Boston. We can still have joint custody. You don’t have to give everything up because you think that’s the only way to parent. There are choices.”
“I choose you. I told you that.” His voice was low.
“But will you still choose me if I refuse to give up my family? My livelihood?” He could hear her swallow. “Things are crazy right now. You should take some time to think it all through. We both should.”
“I don’t understand. What does that mean?”
She paused, and he could feel his head begin to pound. All the things he thought he was certain about felt like they were slipping out of his hand. The panic that had started to curl around his guts radiated out, making him jittery. Afraid.
He was losing control.
“Look, we have the ultrasound next Thursday. Maybe we shouldn’t talk until then. It will give you a chance to think things through and decide what it is you really want. And if it means you stay in Boston, then we can work through that.”
“But I…”
“I know,” she said softly. “I know it feels painful. And it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, because I do. But I can’t go through a broken relationship again. I can’t be the one who lets you down because I don’t do exactly what you expect of me. Not when there’s the baby to think about.” She sighed. “This feels really unequal, because you’re giving up so much more than me. I don’t want you to resent me in the future because of it. I’ve had enough resentment and hate in my life.”
He was losing her. He knew it. And he had no idea how to stop it from happening.
“So we can’t talk until Thursday?” he asked, frowning.
“I just think it’ll help. This thing between us, it’s like a drug. A really, really good drug. But like anything addictive, it can make your brain go a little crazy. I think if we took some time apart, you’ll be able to work out what you really feel.”
“I know how I feel about you, Courtney.”
“And you’ve told me how you feel about the Roberts. One way or another they’ll always be in my life. They’re my family, and you need to think about that.”
A shot of jealousy worked through him. He hated the idea of not talking to her. She sounded so damn far away right now. All he wanted to do was hold her, to breathe her in. That would make everything right.
“And once I think about it? What then?”
“I guess we’ll talk about it next week. This is killing me as much as it’s killing you, Logan. I wish I could do everything you’re asking of me. I get it, I do. But for the past eight years, Mary and Ellis have been everything to me. They’ve always been there for me. I can’t abandon them now.”