Letting his head fall back against the pillow, Tanner sighed. “Come and see me when it’s actually daytime.”
“The sun is up, there’s not a cloud in the sky. It’s a beautiful day.” Logan pulled the sheets off him, like he used to do when they were kids and it was his turn to wake his brothers up. “Come on, get dressed. We have places to go.”
Groaning, Tanner reached for his t-shirt, pulling it over his head. Logan was wearing dark pants and a white shirt, his hair wet as though he’d showered already. “What’s got you so chirpy?”
“I’m not chirpy, I’m busy. I leave for home tonight, and before I go I need to make sure you’re okay.”
“Can I at least brush my teeth?” Tanner asked, though secretly he was touched at his brother’s concern.
“Be my guest.” Logan grinned. “Though it’ll ruin the taste of the coffee.”
“I’ll risk it,” Tanner told him, walking into the bathroom. He closed the door and took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands before looking at himself in the mirror. It had been along, unrestful night. Every time he felt himself begin to drift off, he’d jolt awake, the memory of Van’s tear-stained face filling his mind, and his heart would race like a thoroughbred until he tried the whole going to sleep thing all over again.
It had taken an act of will not to message her. She’d made it clear she didn’t want to talk to him, both in the office, and again to Logan. He wanted to respect her wishes despite all the questions rushing around his head.
Why did she leave?
Why wasn’t she willing to fight for him?
Why would she give up something so goddamned amazing?
But he knew the answer to all of them. It had been there all along.
Because he wasn’t good enough. And it twisted his guts up so bad.
Ten minutes later, he was sitting next to Logan in the car he and Cam had rented at the airport. His brother hadn’t lied about the morning – it was beautiful. The sky was a deep blue already, the sun as golden as Van’s hair. Through the open windows of the car he could hear birds singing, as Logan turned left from the main road and into the country.
Tanner frowned as he looked ahead. “Why the hell are we coming here?”
“Because I want to talk to you.” Logan pulled the car up right outside the gate. “And this seemed as good a place as any.” He grabbed his insulated cup, and Tanner did the same, the two of them climbing out of the car.
“It’s locked up.” Tanner felt a wave of relief wash over him. The cemetery was the last place he wanted to be. It only held bad memories for him. Of being forced into a black suit. Of Aunt Gina trying to tame his mop of hair with gel and a brush. Of watching a bright white coffin being lowered into the dusty earth, and wondering who was wailing, before realizing it was him.
“We’ll climb over.”
Tanner eyed his brother carefully. “We’re almost thirty, bro. My climbing days are over.”
“Take this.” Logan passed him the insulated mug he was holding, then grabbed hold of the top of the iron railings, vaulting himself over. Reaching through the gaps, he had Tanner pass him the cups. “Come on, your turn.”
“You’re fucking crazy.”
“Don’t swear in a cemetery.”
“I’m not in a cemetery,” Tanner pointed out. “I’m outside.”
“Yeah, well I’m inside and I hear you. So watch your mouth.”
Landing inside with a thump, Tanner took his coffee back from Logan and lifted it to his lips. It was surprisingly good. He didn’t have to ask his brother where he wanted to go – Tanner knew where his mom’s gravestone was well enough. Even if he could barely bring himself to visit her.
He could count on one hand the amount of times he’d been here since he left for college.
“You gonna tell me why we’re here?” he asked once they’d been looking at her gravestone for a minute.
Logan took a sip of coffee. “Because this right here is the motherload, excuse the pun.”
“The motherload?”
“Where all your problems began.”