“How could you even think it’s a good idea to offer yourself up as bait? Borovsky will kill you. And he’ll torture you before that.”
I don’t think it’s the words as much as my attitude, but Dozer flies off his stool to me and cups his hands around my face, bending close so we’re almost nose to nose. “How could you think I’d stand by and do nothing? Waiting for him to come kill you is not an option. We can’t keep you cooped up in here forever. For fuck’s sake, JJ… I want to start a life with you, and we can’t do that until this asshole is taken care of.”
“You want to start a life with me?” I ask, unable to control the dreamy tone. It’s something I’ve hoped for the last few days since things changed between us, but it’s never been the right time to talk about it.
“Of course, I want a life with you. I want everything with you and Thea. You’re my family, and I’m ready to get going on that. But we’ve got to make sure you’re safe.”
“But we can be safe right here,” I insist. “Holed up together at Jameson until he’s caught.”
“And what if that takes weeks? Months? How long are you willing to disrupt your life? You want to keep Thea locked up as if she’s in a prison?”
“Of course not,” I say, wrapping my hands around his wrists and pulling his arms away from me. “But I’d like to give the police an honest chance of catching him.”
Dozer shakes his head. “Their resources are tapped. Their informants know he’s in Miami, but his whereabouts are closely guarded by the higher-ups in the organization. There are orders to hunt you down and bring you in at all costs. There’s a huge bounty on your head, and it won’t let up until Borovsky is either captured or killed. Frankly… I’d prefer the latter.”
“You don’t mean that,” I gasp.
“I mean it, and I’d like to be the one to put him six under,” he rumbles fiercely.
“Dozer,” I chastise, which he clearly doesn’t like. He spins away from me and then turns back. He appears to want to say something, but snaps his mouth shut.
“What?” I implore, moving toward him. He steps away. “What’s wrong?”
Dozer raises his hands as if he’s going to use them to explain himself, but instead they curl into fists and his lips draw flat against bared teeth. His voice is almost inhuman. “When I think of that monster touching you… of the things you had to go through after you went to the police… I just…”
He doesn’t finish, but I know what he’s thinking. He’s never told me how he felt about it all, but I cried on his shoulder a few times after Borovsky was convicted. The guilt and shame I had from allowing Ivan to continue to touch me while the police solidified their case. It was self-preservation. I had no choice but to act normal, and that included letting him have sex with me.
Even now, thinking about it, a shudder ripples up my spine, and I force the thoughts away. Dozer and I spent a beautiful night together last night, and those are the memories of sex and love and intimacy I want to have.
I need Dozer to let these thoughts go. “It’s in the past, Dozer. I’ve moved on from it. I need you to as well, because if it continues to bother you, it’s going to keep it fresh for me.”
“Christ.” Pulling me into his body, he wraps me in a cocoon of love and regret. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you feel bad about any of it. You’re a survivor. You did the bravest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do, and you should be proud of every action and inaction you took with Borovsky to make sure he was punished for killing that family. I’ll let it go, I promise.”
I’m soothed by his pact, and I hug him in return. “Good. Now, can we talk about this crazy idea of you going down there as bait?”
Dozer pulls back. “Not an idea. A plan.”
“No,” I snap angrily. “Not a plan. We need to talk this through.”
“I’m doing it, JJ. I’m doing this for you and for us, and I trust my teammates. Nothing you can say will change my mind.”
“If I told you I’ll hate you for doing it, would that change your mind?”
“No, because at least you’d be safe once we take Borovsky down. If I lose you, it would be worth it.”
I growl and smack his chest. “Of course, I wouldn’t hate you. I’d love you even more. But I’m so scared, Dozer. We just found each other.”
“We’ve known each other for years,” he teases.
I stare at him soberly, and his smile fades. “I’m really scared,” I repeat. “I can’t lose you.”