My eyes sprang open as I heard the pleas coming from my dad. I didn’t know why this particular night I decided to see what was happening because things like this were a regular occurrence in our trailer. It was usually a dealer coming to collect the money that dad owed him.
I could always decipher which dealer it was from the voice but tonight was different. I didn’t recognize the voice at all which should have warned me to stay in my small ‘room’.
Instead, I frowned and pulled my thin scratchy blanket off me as I tiptoed to the bedroom door. Door was an over statement, it was basically a thin piece of curtain that gave me a small amount of privacy, although that privacy was always interrupted when dad begged me to go and get him his next fix; usually it was when he was coming down off his current high.
“The way I see it,” the deep gravely voice said to dad. “You have two options; I kill you now or...” He left something hanging in the air and I frowned harder, trying to work out what it was that he was trying to say.
We’d lived in this small trailer for years and we had absolutely nothing to our name apart from a few clothes and the moldy bread in the fridge. I hated living here and I dreamed daily of getting out of this place and starting a life far away. All I ever did was run around for dad, it had been that way ever since mom up and left us years ago.
Although that hadn’t been a bad thing, in fact, I was glad that she went. It was one less mouth to feed and one less drug habit to keep up with.
I didn’t know how they lasted together as long as they did. They were both junkies and I often wondered how I’d managed to keep my head above water and not go down the same path as them.
I had no doubt that at one stage my mom and dad had been happy and in love but that wasn’t what I saw with them, all I saw were the fights that they had and it was always over drugs.
The last time I had seen mom, I was sure she wouldn’t make it another six months. With the constant beatings, not just from dad but from other men too, added with dad loaning her out as payment for drugs. I had no doubt in my mind that the best thing she could’ve done was to leave but I just wished she would have taken me with her.
For that, I’ll never forgive her.
I saw what drugs did to people, not just physically but mentally too. The hair that grew limp and was constantly greasy, along with their teeth that would rot. Add that with the bad smell that surrounded them, it was enough to put me off for life. Dad now looked twice his age and the few teeth that he still owned were rotten to the core.
But mentally, it messed with you, it took away your ability to distinguish between reality and the high that it gave you. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve watched dad shout at his own reflection, thinking it was somebody else. They didn’t care about anything or anybody, the only thing that they did care about was getting their next high.
“I... I... I...” Dad stammered.
I pulled the curtain back a little, trying to see who was out there but I couldn’t see past the wall that divided my room from the living area.
The man laughed big and loud, the sound sinister. This was a man that you didn’t want to mess with and usually I wouldn’t care what dad had gotten himself into but, for some reason, I felt compelled to go out and see who it was.
Dad’s normal dealers all knew me and considering they provided him with the one thing that had completely ruined him as a person and a father, they all treated me with respect. They knew what I had to do to survive, after all, I was only months away from my eighteenth birthday and as soon that came, I was out of here.
I understood why they sold it, we were all doing what we could to survive and for that, I couldn’t blame them. Whenever they came here for payment, they would beat dad to get him to pay up but not once had they touched me.
Maybe that was why I felt safe to go out there and see who this new person was?
I shouldn’t have. I should have listened to my gut instincts and stayed where I was but curiosity killed that cat and out I walked into the living area.
“Ava,” Dad gasped, coming closer to me and grasping at my arm. “Help me out here, I don’t have what they want.” His putrid breath fanned across my face and I held in my gag.
“What-”
“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” My eyes turned to the man that took up most of the space and I swallowed.
“I... erm...” My eyes scanned the room, trying to look for anything that could get us out of this situation, only there was starting to not be an ‘us’ as I saw dad backing away, leaving me to deal with the situation that he’d got himself into.
“Wanna clear your debt?” The evil giant said to dad, his almost black eyes glinting off the small light that illuminated the space.
“Yeah,” he slurred, moving away from me and leaning on the wall, barely able to stand up. The needle on the table told me that he’d just taken a hit so there was no way he would be of any help now.
“Her.” The giant waved at me, his eyes squinting as he looked me up and down. I shuffled on the spot, my eyes flicking to the door.
I wondered if I made a run for it, how far I would get.
“Take her.” Dad stumbled and walked away, his eyes catching mine just before he went into his room. I saw it then, saw how much he didn’t care. I always suspected that deep down he loved me, that one day he would get help and treat me how a father should.
I’d been wrong. So very, very wrong.
I turned just in timed to see the giant’s hand come out and cup my mouth and nose. I struggled for breath as he pulled me closer to him.
“I think I’ll have fun with you.” He winked, right before I felt something pinch my neck and I passed out.
Even after going to college for a year, I still can’t bear to walk across this campus. The first time I made this walk, I nearly had a meltdown; the noise from all of the students was too much. The laughter, the shouting, I felt like they were all looking at me like they knew.
Rationally, I know it’s impossible because there’s only a handful of people who know what happened that day and even they didn’t know the full story. I don’t want anyone to know everything because then they’ll see just how tainted and broken I really am.
There’s only one person who knows more than everyone else but even h
e still doesn’t know all of what happened. I can remember the sympathy that shone through his eyes that day. I haven’t seen him for so long but I have no doubt that it would still be there.
I’ve changed a lot over the last eighteen months, I’ve learned to deal with things in my own way. Things like the noise on campus can be canceled out by wearing headphones. The brilliant thing about them is that they serve two purposes, they block out the noise but also stop people from approaching me.
Talking to people I don’t know is a big no-no. I’m better than I was but I’m still not quite there yet.
I keep my head down as I walk through the quad and to the main building. Monday’s have to be the worst day of the week for me.
Not only do I have the biggest class of the week but I also have my counseling session at the Medical Center with Anita. Every time I have a session with her, I come out feeling like I need to sleep for a week and tell myself that I’m never going back there, but I always do.
Pulling open the big doors to the building, I join the fray of the students all going to the same lecture. Turning my music down so I can hear everything around me, I take stock of my surroundings.
This place is your typical college, not so different from high school. There are still all the cliques that you get; the jocks, the popular girls, the geeks, the goths and the bad boys.
I go it alone, I always have.
It doesn’t bother me, only having one friend, I’d rather have one true friend as opposed to ten who were just there for the sake of being there.
The one friend I do have is the complete opposite of me, sometimes that’s what works best.
Keeping my head down I shuffle into the class and take my normal seat. Three rows back and three seats from the end.
I’d developed this slight obsession with the number three. Control. That’s what Anita said it was, I tended to agree with her but it didn’t make it any less paralyzing. Everything has to be done in sets of three, I washed my hair three times, I touched the end of my bed three times before I went to sleep and I tapped my pen on the table three times before I could write with it.
At first it was something I relied on but now it’s starting to get to me. I don’t want to be the person who lives like this.
I just want to be normal.
“Welcome!” A loud male voice booms. I jump in my seat and look up as I pull my headphones off my head.
My hands start to tremble at the new voice and my eyes scan the room looking for Mrs. Gill.