“Is he high-maintenance?”
“Not really. He’s … particular. And that’s a great quality,” I add quickly, “but sometimes, if the vacuum lines don’t look perfect, I can live with that.”
“Apparently, you can live without him too.”
My smile fades as I see the truth in my brother’s words. “Yeah. I can. But I wish I couldn’t.”
Cross sits up and folds his hands on the table. He dips his head, looking at me with no levity at all. “I’ll be totally honest with you. When I met him a few weeks ago, I couldn’t figure out what in the hell you were doing with him, Had. You were blah. You didn’t laugh. You didn’t joke around or reminisce about stuff.”
It’s true. I know it’s true. I knew it was true then. That day, when Cross met Samuel, the shift started in my soul.
“I liked him,” I say.
“Did you, though?” Cross sits back again. “Or did you like him because he wasn’t Machlan?”
“Oh, he’s not Machlan.” The two of them side-by-side in my head is enough to make me snort. “I just … Is it wrong to wish I was in love with Samuel? Like I wish I wanted to get married and have his children. I just don’t.”
My brother studies me. His big, green eyes soften, filling with a concern that shine like my mother’s used to when she was alive. It rips at me and makes this harder and easier all at once.
A lump lodges itself at the base of my throat, swelling a little more with each breath I take. My chest stings like a fire is smoldering in the bottom of my lungs. If I was sitting across from anyone else, I’d be able to pretend there wasn’t the start of a wildfire burning inside me.
“I wish it wasn’t this way,” I say softly. My guard has fallen and broken into pieces at my feet. There’s a relief in being able to drop it for a while.
“What way?”
“Maybe Samuel isn’t for me. Maybe that was a decision I made when I was super lonely one night and we reached for the same ice cream, okay? But there is a guy out there for me, and I’ll miss him when he walks by because I’m stuck on Mach.” I blink back tears. “I’m so stupid.”
“You are not stupid, Had.”
“I am. I really, really am.” My hair swishes against my shoulders as I shake my head, blowing out a breath that takes way too long to expel. “I have the dumbest crush on him, which I know is weird for you to hear, being that you’re his best friend and all …”
“Not new information.”
I grin sheepishly. “Something is wrong with me because I can’t turn it off. It’s like a part of me thinks he and I have a future together, and it’s really messing with my life.”
Cross presses his lips together. The light in his eyes has dimmed.
“I think I’m emotionally unavailable to men because I feel like I’m in a relationship with Machlan, which is so ridiculous because he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want a relationship with me.” I suck in a breath. “I’ve heard him say this, Cross. This is not some unspoken guess on my part. Yet my heart refuses to get the message.”
“You can’t help who you love. But you can help how much you let them hurt you.” Cross’s face tenses. He’s clearly torn over what to do. He’s been stuck in the middle of this non-relationship between his little sister and best friend for far too long. “I’m gonna talk to him.”
“No, you aren’t,” I say. “Machlan doesn’t hurt me. Not intentionally. It’s my own damn fault.”
“Then we need to get you away from here. Finn Miller has a cabin up on the lake. I bet you could use it if they aren’t there.”
“No, Cross.”
“Kallie would go with you. Or take Nora. She put in her two weeks’ notice tonight at Crave.”
“She did?” I ask. “That surprises me.”
“She’s taking classes or something. I don’t know. Peck mentioned it. I’m sure this will add rainbows to Machlan’s attitude,” he groans. “Anyway, I could call Finn and see if he minds.”
Just when I think he doesn’t get it, I realize he does. There’s a hesitation in his tone and a cloudiness across his eyes that clues me in. It’s not that he doesn’t get it—he doesn’t like it. He knows this will probably get uglier before it gets easier … if it gets easier. But he’s trying to protect me from it.
“Thank you for offering,” I tell him, putting a hand over his. “But I didn’t decide to come here on a whim.”
“He’s my best friend. I see the good sides of him, and there are a ton of them. Hell, I’d congratulate a woman if she were able to wrangle that motherfucker into forever, but Had, you’re not just another woman. You’re my sister. That changes everything.”