Yes, it bothered me for many years. I could never understand why he let me see it. To punish my mother? To show he was boss? ‘Why?’ I whisper.
‘It was a warning to you. Disobey me and this is what I’m capable of.’
I feel her words like a chill on my skin, but I don’t allow myself to absorb that idea. It is too frightening. I don’t want to be dissuaded from my purpose.
‘It’ll be fine, Mama, you’ll see. I’ll convince Papa.’
Mama bows her head for a few seconds. When she raises her head, her eyes are troubled. ‘Whatever you do, do not tell him about Noah.’
‘I wasn’t planning to,’ I say quickly.
‘Good. Just tell him you don’t love Oliver and don’t want to marry him because he is a pervert who will make you unhappy. Don’t give him a focus for his anger, and do not be careless. After you tell your father, whatever method you are using to meet Noah, it would be wise to discard it and wait for the coast to completely clear before you attempt to see him again. Your father will immediately suspect that it is another man that has made you change your mind and he will be watching you closely.’
She looks sad.
‘In fact,’ she adds, ‘I believe it may already be too late. You have most probably done something to alert him. Look at your face. You are glowing. I knew the moment I saw you that you were different.’
I lean forward, my heart beating fast. ‘Do you really think he knows?’
‘If I know him as well as I think I do, then, yes. He can read people like a book. He is waiting for you to make your next move so he can make his. He already knows his move.’
I feel a shiver of fear go through me. ‘He loves me,’ I insist stubbornly, because it is too painful for me to believe that my father could be such a bitter enemy of mine.
‘Darling, darling Tasha. There is no other way to say this. Your father is a psychopath. Asking him to love you is like asking a plate or a table to love you. In fact, it would be unfair even to ask it of him because he can’t do it. He is incapable of love. There is no one he truly loves other than himself. You and your Baba are around only because it suits him. If it didn’t he would have no hesitation to get rid of either of you.’
I gasp.
‘If you look deep into his eyes you will see nothing. There is nothing at his core. There is only a naked, all-consuming, aggressive, grotesque obsession for more and more and more material gain and glorification.’
That afternoon I go to see Baba. She is sitting in the garden with her coat and hat on, and her eyes are closed as she soaks in the last rays of the sun. She opens one eye when my shadow falls on her, before closing it back.
‘Sit, Sergei,’ I say as I sink into the chair next to hers. He lies down next to me.
‘Baba,’ I say, gently tickling Sergei behind his ear, and keeping my voice neutral and casual. ‘Do you think that Papa loves me?’
She does a strange thing. She doesn’t immediately look at me and say, of course, he does. She takes a deep breath and doesn’t turn to look at me. ‘Why do you ask this?’
‘I don’t know. I just wondered.’
‘The honest answer is I don’t know. Let’s hope we never have to test his love for you.’
I chew at my bottom lip. ‘Do you think this great alliance he has planned with Oliver is more important to him than my happiness?’
She sighs softly. ‘I have always told you the truth, and no matter how much it hurts I will not lie to you. Your happiness is not more important than this alliance he has planned.’
‘I see,’ I note quietly. ‘What will he do if I refuse to marry Oliver?’
She turns to me then, her eyes urgent. ‘Do you really want your man?’
‘Yes,’ I say immediately.
‘If you really value your dream, then you’ll say nothing. You will give your father no warning, no opportunity to strike first. You will simply run away with your man. Take nothing that can be traced back to you. Leave every single person you know behind, and start again in South America, or Asia. Are you prepared to do that?’
‘I can’t leave you and Mama.’
‘Then you will not have your dream,’ she says with such finality that I grow cold inside.
I lean forward restlessly. ‘But even if I could leave you and Mama, Noah will not consent to run and hide as if we have done something wrong, anyway. We’d be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. Noah is not afraid of Papa. He says he is ready to take on Papa.’