“Neal would have killed me.”
“You stood by and let my reputation be trampled. You said nothing when Neal taunted Gary and finally drove him to suicide.”
“I couldn’t say anything, Jade. I had to go along with Neal. I’m sorry.” Tears shimmered his eyes. “You’re strong. You’ve always been strong. People look up to you. You don’t know what it’s like to have only two friends.”
“I know what it’s like to have none!” Those last, lonely months of her senior year, she had been snubbed by everyone except Patrice Watley.
Lamar was earnestly stammering his excuses. “You can’t imagine what it’s like to be under Neal’s thumb. It wasn’t until this year that I finally got away from him, and it pissed him off royally. We’d been living together in this old house—”
“I’m not interested.”
“Well, anyway, I moved out before the semester was over last spring, and he didn’t speak to me for weeks afterward. He acted the same way when Hutch got married. By the way, did you know that he married Donna Dee Monroe?”
“They deserve each other.”
“Hutch played football for a couple of years. Neal was even jealous of the team. After our sophomore year, Hutch surprised everybody by joining the navy. Neal said he just wanted to get away from Donna Dee because she kept hounding him to make a baby. They live in Hawaii now, but I hear they’re about to come back stateside. Hutch still isn’t a daddy.”
He might be. The thought made Jade shudder. “Is that why you came here, Lamar? To give me an update on my rapists?”
“Jade, I nearly fainted when you opened that door this morning. I was speechless with fear.”
“Fear?” she asked with a bitter laugh. “Were you afraid that I might kill you?”
“No, worse. I was afraid you might point an accusing finger and start screaming rape.”
“I tried that once, and it didn’t do any good.”
“Your contempt is justified.”
“Why, thank you, Lamar. I’m glad I have your approval.”
“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.” He lowered his head and stared at the floor, expelling a deep breath.
“I think you’d better go.”
“I still haven’t said what I came to say.” She gave him a level stare that demanded he not postpone it any longer. “I want you to understand why… why I had to go along with them that night. At that time in our lives, Hutch would do anything Neal told him to. Besides, I think Hutch had a crush on you.”
“How dare you dignify rape as being something romantic.” She lowered her arms to her sides, her hands forming fists. “The only difference between what you did to me and murder is that I’m still alive. And if Neal had told you and Hutch to kill me, I’d probably be dead.”
His eyes begged her for tolerance. “Everything you’ve said is true, Jade. It was a crime, a violent act of retribution aimed at Gary for besting Neal in that fight at the Dairy Barn. At least to Neal it was. And he was always mouthing about how high and mighty you acted around him. I think he resented that you preferred Gary over him. To Hutch…” He shrugged. “I have my theories, but only Hutch knows why he went along.”
He paused and took a deep breath. “For me, it was a test of manhood. I had to prove to them and to myself that I was a man. Unfortunately, it didn’t work.”
Jade glanced at him sharply. He raised his head and looked directly into her eyes. “I’m a homosexual, Jade.”
He gave a scoffing laugh. “I believe I am a classic case study—weak father, domineering mother. My suspicions about myself weren’t confirmed until after my morally depraved freshman year of college, when I fucked plenty, but didn’t enjoy it very much.
“The following summer I met a man in Palmetto. He taught at the junior high until he was discovered fondling one of his students in the boys’ restroom. My mother couldn’t have guessed how shattered I was when she called to catch me up on local gossip and told me the whole sordid story about my lover. I guess he got his kicks initiating young converts like me. Anyway, he went back east somewhere. My first love affair ended in tragedy.”
“So did mine.”
“Yeah,” he said quietly, looking away. “I attracted new friends and lovers at school. One became jealous of my sexual activities with women during Neal’s bacchanals. I participated because I didn’t want Neal to find out about me. God forbid that my mother ever does. She’d probably sic the Klan on me. Can you imagine what her reaction would be to learning that the Cowan family tree will die because her son is a queer?”
Graham might be a Cowan, but Myrajane would never know it.
“I haven’t come out of the closet yet,” Lamar confessed. “But, after seeing you today, I wanted you to know. I thought it might help explain why I did what I did.”
For several moments Jade regarded him with smoldering contempt. “You didn’t come here to explain anything for my benefit, Lamar. You confessed your dark sin because you want me to absolve you. Well, you’re out of luck. Your sexual preference doesn’t justify rape.