Some compulsion she couldn’t name moved her toward the closet and she opened it slowly. She looked at Jared’s clothes hanging there, an old pair of boots flung negligently onto the floor, a leather vest hanging on a nail inside the door.
“Jared,” she groaned, and pressed he
r face into one of the shirts that, even though it had been laundered, still retained his scent, the aroma of his tobacco and the faint smell of leather. She sobbed for several minutes into the cloth until she felt gentle hands on her shoulders.
“Lauren, are you ready to talk about it now? I’ll listen if you are.”
“Oh, Maria, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, especially not you, when Ben’s death is so heavy on your mind.”
Maria led her to the bed and they both sat down. The children’s exuberant exclamations came from the next room. Maria patted Lauren’s hand, giving her time to assemble her thoughts.
“I… this… my marriage is a farce,” she blurted out. Unevenly, brokenly, she told the whole story from the time she had met Ben to William Keller’s attempted rape and the Prathers’ censorious acceptance of his lies. She was ashamed to tell Maria about the terms of her deal with Olivia, but she related them dispassionately, omitting any mention of the Vandivers. “You probably think I’m terrible to sell myself that way.”
“I’m in no position to pass judgment on anyone, Lauren. But under the same circumstances, I would have done the same thing. Sometimes our choices in life are between the lesser of two evils. You did what you hoped would be the right thing. No one can condemn you for that. Besides, I think your motivations included something besides Ben’s wishes and the money, didn’t they?”
This was the question that Lauren had asked herself time and again. Had she been in love with Jared even then? Was that why she had gone along with this outlandish scheme? Nothing was clear to her anymore.
“You fell in love with Jared, didn’t you?” Maria asked softly. Lauren nodded and Maria continued, “And this marriage of convenience has become something else, hasn’t it? You’ve… been with Jared?”
Lauren covered her face with her hands and sobbed, “Yes, oh, yes. Not until just a few days ago and… oh, I don’t know, Maria. All my life I’ve been conditioned to believe that men did ‘bad’ things to women and that ladies protected themselves from that debasement. Even though we’re married, I know that Jared doesn’t love me. Is it sinful for me to feel what I do? To find pleasure in…”
“Did you think it was ‘bad’?”
“No,” Lauren answered vehemently, and Maria suppressed a smile. “When I first came to Ben, I was young and unsure, too. I tried to deny the joy he could bring me. But when I saw that I was giving him great happiness, I could share it without guilt or shame. I, too, was brought up to think that the woman should expect nothing but pain and degradation from lovemaking. God, not Man, created sex, Lauren. And even though Man perverts it and misuses it, it is still a gift to two people who love each other.”
“But Jared doesn’t love me. I’m terrified of the day he’ll grow tired of this farcical marriage and send me away.”
“I think Jared is fighting his own battle of feelings, Lauren. I don’t believe he could have been coerced into marrying anyone, no matter how high the stakes, if he hadn’t been attracted to her. He’s far too headstrong. And I think sending you away is the last thing he wants to do.” She looked at the tearful young woman and her heart went out to her. Ben had wanted them to be happy. He’d had such high hopes that their relationship would bloom into love.
“Lauren,” she said gently, “don’t be afraid of loving Jared. If I hadn’t loved Ben, think of the useless life I would have had. Think of the misery he would have had to bear alone. I don’t think you will regret loving your Lockett any more than I do having loved mine. The only regret I ever had was not being able to give Ben more children.”
Lauren sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with a lace-edged handkerchief Maria had extended her. “Thank you, Maria. You go on and join your… our… family. I’ll be out later.” She smiled tremulously.
Maria stroked the tear-stained cheek and then left Lauren alone to wonder where Jared was spending Christmas.
Chapter 20
Two weeks after Christmas, the residents of Keypoint enjoyed a few days of unseasonably mild weather. The old-timers predicted that the worst of the winter wasn’t over if the weather was this warm in January, but everyone was glad to see a respite from the howling winds that sometimes brought icy rains and sleet.
One morning, Lauren rode out by herself. Maria had a cold and she hadn’t wanted to bother Rudy or one of the vaqueros. It was amazing how much she missed Flame. But any recollection of the mare reminded her, too, of Jared. A Jared vicious and violent. She pushed those thoughts from her mind.
Never losing sight of the compound and judging her direction by the Rio Caballo, she cantered up and down several hills, grateful for the exercise. She had been gone about an hour and was on her way back to the house when she noticed her mount’s ears pull back sharply. About the same time, Lauren heard a mumbled curse followed by a moan. She reined in the gelding and listened. The moan was repeated, coming from the direction of a clump of cedars. She nudged the horse nearer. When she was a few feet from the grove, she could barely make out a form lying on the ground.
She dismounted cautiously and took a tentative step forward.
“Stay right where you’re at.” She heard the unmistakable click of a rifle being cocked and she froze, her heart jumping to her throat.
“Don’tcha come no closer.” The voice was sinister, but clipped as if the effort to speak was painful.
“Are you hurt? I heard you moaning.” Lauren was quaking on the inside, but she felt this person needed help.
“You Jared Lockett’s woman?”
“Yes, I’m Mrs. Lockett. Who are you?” She took one more step forward.
“I said don’t come no closer.” The last word raised an octave as the sentence dissolved into a long, heart-constricting wail.
Throwing caution aside, Lauren ran into the thicket. She pulled up sharply and covered her mouth to stifle the scream that rose from her throat.