“Well, get better quickly then, and you will get to.”
Chapter 43
April
I did get better and we did have a great time exploring the caves around the beach and going into the little town having French food in bistros, but then Yuri had to leave two days earlier for an urgent appointment in Venice, and I was left with Yulia. If I was going to leave, it had to be the next day. Otherwise, I would never have the guts to make that painful decision. I packed my bags during the night, but I couldn’t sleep so I called Charlotte.
“Have you told Yulia?” she asked.
I shook my head trying to hold back the grief that wanted to overwhelm me.
“You’re shaking your head, are you? I can’t see you, you dummy you,” she stated.
The insult somehow brought a smile out of me. “No, I haven’t,” I answered with a sigh. “I’ll do that tomorrow morning.”
“What about him?”
“He left ahead of us. All he said was that he would see us back in London.”
“How was your week with him?”
I told the truth, and this time I couldn’t hold back the tears. “I’m think I’m love with him.”
“So why are you leaving?”
“I can’t see clearly with Yuri. For starters, his world is not one I could ever be fully a part of. And I know he cares about me, but how far is he willing to go?”
“Have you asked him about any of this?”
“So that I can shatter my heart more than it already is?”
She didn’t say a word.
“I shouldn’t have agreed to this one week. It was a fucking mistake.”
“Did you enjoy your time with him?”
“I never wanted it to end.”
“But now reality is calling. If I were you, I would stay and damn the consequences to hell, but that’s where we’re different. You didn’t grow up using your heart because you didn’t have the luxury. It had to be ignored so that you could see through the hurt. I understand that, but even so, don’t you think a broken heart is worth risking for this beautiful thing you have.”
“Oh God, what do I do Charlotte?”
“I can’t tell you what to do, babe. You know what I would do. I would only leave when leaving is no longer a choice.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’d go when leaving is the only option on the table. Then no matter what happens, I’d never regret my choice.”
I fell asleep with Charlotte’s words echoing in my ears, but I realized I wasn’t Charlotte. I couldn’t play around with my heart. Wait until there was no option but to leave? The next morning, I went in Yulia’s room, sat her down on her bed while I sat on the floor in front of her so I could look into her eyes.
Her smile was so sweet and so unsuspecting that I almost didn’t continue with my announcement. For a while, I was unable to speak. Then I took a deep breath. Yulia had Yuri to take care of her, I had only me to take care of me. “Listen honey, I’ve loved being your nanny so much. You don’t know how much. You are such a beautiful, amazing girl, but I need to leave.”
Her smile died. She looked desperately around for her pad and pen.
The moment I saw tears fall from her eyes, I turned my face away to hide mine. I quickly dried my eyes and turned back to see what she scribbled almost illegibly on the pad.
Why?
How was I to explain my heart to this little girl?
Is it Uncle Yuri?
My heart hammered in my chest. I shook my head. “No, no, of course not. Your uncle has been very kind to me.” I sighed. There was no way she could understand that I couldn’t go against the one person I had vowed to protect at all costs—myself. It would sound exactly the way it was, selfish and without much concern for her wellbeing.
“I’ll get you another nanny,” I promised desperately. “Someone much better than myself. You’ll love her I promise—”
She gave a shriek of fury and pain then. When I tried to pull her into my arms, she wouldn’t let me touch her, so I sat there without a clue on what to do. I was terrified beyond words that I was harming her permanently. I wished I hadn’t told her now. I should have waited until we got back to London.
She wouldn’t stop crying, so eventually I rose to my feet. Perhaps my absence would calm her down just a little. It broke my heart to leave her, but I didn’t know what else to do. Just as I made it to the door, for the very first time since I had stepped foot in their home, I heard her voice.
“April,” she cried out.
I froze. At first, I was sure my ears were playing tricks with me, so I spun around to meet her gaze.